Sunday, December 30, 2007

Run where you'll be safe

I'm having a really bad day. I don't use this much anymore. Probably because I have nothing to say anymore. All I talk about is work. I love work. I love my jobs. Thats the only good part of today is my work christmas party. work work work work. yay. I guess I also don't use this because I don't talk to anyone who reads it anymore. Whats the point of personal blogging to strangers? Gay. Gamestop is my safe haven.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Living in those days that hold me back, they hold me back, they hold me down

Christmas is coming up soon, but instead of looking forward, I'm looking back. I'm realizing things I am most thankful for, maybe a couple weeks late. First and foremost, I am thankful for ICA. I may complain about the school, but the people there are the most phenomenal and most accepting people I've ever come into contact with. Petty, yes. Judgemental, yes. Corrupt, yes. But not at all to the degree I have seen in others. I've made maybe one or two good friends there, and I don't hang out with ICA kids outside of school, but I really consider them my family. Being grounded has made me really appreciate my other friends also. Cody, the insanity that keeps me sane. Enough said. I could go on for days, but I won't. Genya, my soulmate. I love this girl and miss her so much and can't wait to get ungrounded so we can start our adventures again. I miss Nick more than almost anyone. My best guy friend that isn't Cody. Nick's wacky stories, most probably exaggerated, and just the way things work out in his life always keep me entertained. Josh Ladd has become one of the most important people in my life also. We always used to fight, but now I can tell him anything. And you people, cough Zach, who said we should just date...um ew. Josh and I have always been ridiculously platonic, always will be. I'm thankful for my Nick's Bar and Grill family. The people I work with make my day better, time after time. Eric, the "jolly" waiter, who Genya and I love more than most people on this planet. Because he puts up with our fake flirting, fake flirts back, and think we're funny!!!! Maureen because she is an English teacher, and I'm heavily considering asking her to adopt me. Brett because his initials are B A Champion. hahaha, be a champion. Emily because she's...out of control. Just the entire setting. I don't want to leave that place. I also got hired at Gamestop. I think that job will be a lot of fun. Because just talking to people about games and electronics is pretty fly if you ask me. And last but not least, I am thankful for my little brother. He has kept me company while I'm grounded, helped gang up on our parents, and been the stupidest person ever to come into my life. Oh yeah, and Jude Law for accidentally being naked on the internet.

Monday, November 26, 2007

If I stay awake tonight I'll gain much more than growing old.

MY
EYES
ARE
GLUED
OPEN
I'M
RAMBLING
TO
CODY
ABOUT
WIKIPEDIA
I'M
LISTENING
TO
COMEBACK
KID
ON
REPEAT
ALL
IN
A
YEAR
HAS
THE
BEST
BREAKDOWN
NORTH
OF
BOSTON
AND
LA


I just want to find more people who get as amped as Cody and I do about good tunes. Hardcore lives on at 3:45 AM, suckaaaas. I love insomnia. I've missed it. I'm going to stay up more often. I guess that means no movies for me, heehehahahhooohooooo. I love Ames, I don't love Des Moines. Des Moines is a pile of crap I drive through to get to Ames. I love kids from Boone County apparently. Yay. I'm really tired of school. It is not cool. I just want to get out of herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre. Go to Ames. Save gas. Learn something useful. Sick of high school. Sick of learning crap I could just read about on Wikipedia. So sick of people with crappy music taste. I'm sorry, normally I try to be diplomatic. Dave Matthews likes dong. Yes, dong. OAR? MORE LIKE NO-AR. Boys Like Girls? Lol get me a gr8 escape away from Crappymusicville, population 10000000. Get educated n00bs. You people need to understand subcultures. Hardline Manifesto Get pure!

Look, this is my best friend. He is from Ceremony.



He's tough as nails and has an Out Of Step tattoo. BFFS!!!!!! NO WAI ROSS. I AM OUT OF STEP TOO. CAN YOU NOT KEEP UP? ME TOO.

Ceremony pwns your acoustic crap so hard.
Except Bright Eyes. Conor Oberst I love you.

ITS 4 AM. I WILL NEVER SLEEP. WAHAHA.

Monday, November 05, 2007

My pen is the barrel of the gun.

There are very few things that mean as much to me as writing does. I have so many struggles with it. But it all comes down to my burning passion for writing. I love writing, cutesy love letters, pissed off rants, persuasive speeches, you name it. I have a 4000+ word paper due at the end of December and I'm killing myself over it. I'm seriously having such a hard time because I know I'm going to kill myself if it isn't perfect. Twenty+ pages, and I will make it shine. My topic: genocide in East Africa. That alone is getting me down. I don't sleep, between stressing about solutions, and stressing about homework. I want to go to Africa again. I just want to make a difference, and this paper is pulling at my emotions so hard already. I'm reading a book about a guy's experience in Darfur. The preface alone made me want to cry. He met a woman who's sister had died in the rebel war, and she had her niece and nephew. The one year old had a bullet wound in her back, and although the author gave the paramedics her name specifically, his one regret to this day is not taking that little girl with him. I really wish I didn't take English classes and writing so seriously all the time.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

The way we dress disturbs them all

So I was talking to a friend last night. We were reminiscing about our childhood, specifically Peanuts. We were discussing who we liked most and who we were most like.

After serious contemplation, I am...............



LUCY!!
Lucy Van Pelt works hard at being bossy, crabby and selfish. She is loud and yells a lot. Her smiles and motives are rarely pure. She's a know-it-all who dispenses advice whether you want it or not--and for Charlie Brown, there's a charge. She's a fussbudget, in the true sense of the word. She's a real grouch, with only one or two soft spots, and both of them may be Schroeder, who prefers Beethoven. As she sees it, hers is the only way. The absence of logic in her arguments holds a kind of shining lunacy. When it comes to compliments, Lucy only likes receiving them. If she's paying one--or even smiling--she's probably up to something devious.
I highlighted the things that apply, if anything else applies, I probably just don't want to admit it!
As much as I don't want to relate to Lucy, I really do. I mean, I upload a new picture on the space, and I'm almost in that exact pose
Ridiculous!

Monday, October 29, 2007

Someday, we'll look back and laugh

Genya and I have big plans and even bigger enthusiasm for them. April we turn eighteen. May we graduate. Our grad party is going to be awesome. It really is. June-ish we move to Ames. We're getting an apartment and probably missing out on dorm life. Genya's parents are moving to Colorado, so this way she doesn't have to move twice, and gets in state tuition. Plus I need to get out of this house. Honestly, rent will probably equal about what we pay for gas driving to Ames all the time. I'm excited though. Our best friends are there. Then we're going to Iowa State. Everything is amazing. I'm so excited for this all to kick into gear.

In the meantime. I write a darn good speech, and an even better love letter.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

When you're 16 you don't know what forever means.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about old people lately.
First and foremost is this man:

I stand behind him 100000%. The quote floating around the internet, "Dr. Paul cured my apathy" is right on the money. I feel like he is the only candidate that can turn this country around. Watching him speak again yesterday again reassured me in his campaign. Working downtown at the headquarters to recruit help is also so validating. Genya went with me to the "Ruckus Rally", which oddly enough, was tamer than any Ron Paul convention I've been to, and decided to join the Revolution. I was so thrilled that I took the opportunity to tell everyone about converting her to "Paulism." Including the man himself, which was followed by the three of us saying "FREEDOM" in unison, and me getting a HIGH FIVE from Ron. Seriously, high fives are the coolest thing ever. I truly feel like the only reason this man is not the front runner is because of ignorance. I highly suggest starting here: Writings of Dr. Paul

Second old person.
There is a man who comes into Nick's Bar and Grill, where I work, quite regularly. I haven't worked many times, but he has been in there almost every time. He is old, and super nice, and likes booths. Friday night Genya and I were working, and Mr. Brown had to be helped to a chair. Everyone was super worried about him, but he was apparently fine enough to drive himself home. Whether it was his three or so glasses of wine, or just old age, we're not sure. Genya heard from a waitress that Mr. Brown and his wife used to come into the restaurant all the time. She had a tube in her nose, and he would always help her around. Then one day, Mr. Brown started coming by himself. Everyone just knew. And he still comes to Nick's, probably because it reminds him of his wife. Gen pointed out that Mr. Brown still wears his wedding ring. I was suddenly in such a sad mood. I didn't know how to feel. I mean, that is what everyone wants in their life. Love that is so unconditional and consuming that after you're gone, your other has to do things to remind them of your presence. I don't know.

Third old person.
Zach's Blog
I read this and it hit home with me. I did telemarketing for State Farm for three or so months. Not only was I so happy to see this side of Zach floating around, this really is my favorite side of him haha, but I was glad someone else could relate. I think part of the reason I'm calling for the Ron Paul campaign is because I miss stories like this. If you're too lazy to click the link and haven't read it yet, in summary:
" “My name is Zach and I am a student here at Iowa State…” BAM I GET CUT OFF
.
“I have told you and told you guys to stop calling! My husband is 83 years old, and he is very sick in the hospital, EIGHTY THREE YEARS OLD! YOU GUYS JUST KEEP CALLING! and I asked the last person to take us off the list…”"

I can testify to that being the worst feeling in the world. Your heart drops, you feel like crying, and sometimes you do. The people who have to tell you "Thats my husband, he passed away *insert amount of time here*" are the people who stand out. Or the old guy who I talked to for ten minutes, because he told me that I was the first and probably last person he'd talk to all day. He told me of a book about a cat named Molly, and how he strikes back against life insurance people and retirement homes who call him. He would act all interested and then once they took him out to a free lunch, never pick up their phone calls again. I told him that I would try my best to get my boss to do the same for him, he obviously found great joy in it. Then there were the old ladies, who always called me "sweetheart" and "honey" and always were eager to give me information for quotes, even though they rarely even knew what kind of cars they owned. A lady I called and said "Saturday mornings are my gardening days sweetheart! Call back in two hours!" brought me so much joy. For as truly CRAPPY cold calling can be, it is also so rewarding and develops character. I feel like the Ron Paul calling will do this even more. It is so easy to relate to people when they want the same man in charge of the country. I already had a conversation with an older lady about why we supported him. It was awesome how we liked him for such different reasons, but also the same ones.

...OH OLD PEOPLE, BEING SO OLD AND FUNNY.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I've spent my life questioning everything

Whoah, long time no blog!
The true sign that things are going well for me.
This school change was the best idea my mother has ever had. I already feel immersed in the love of God and I feel a change already. The reluctance I felt even a week ago is quickly dissipating. A trip to California made me realize a lot of things about my dad, and start to forgive him. Amazingly. I have the most amazing people in my life. I wouldn't have it any other way. In health today we were talking about depression, and I realized I wake up truly happy now. Such a change from sixth grade, from seventh, from eighth, all the way up until May. I remember being such a downer around that time, I don't know what changed. I have had one true bad mood in the past month. It used to be the exact opposite.




Monday, October 01, 2007

Please take my life and use it, I'm ready.

I'm making the choice to come clean about some things. I'm putting this on the internet because it it benefits no one to keep it in my head. I don't want to hide things, nor do I want to keep them this way. That being said, this is not easy for me.


My struggle with faith is coming to a fork in the road. Christianity is always a struggle, but I keep to myself about it, for the most part. A few close friends and I have been talking a lot today about our struggles. Most likely provoked by talking to someone at the show in Ames on Saturday. This guy was going around asking about how we were with our faith. What? No one actually cares about where other people stand with Christ! No one actually out of the blue will offer to help. I'm so envious of the way he goes about his life. While to non-believers, it was annoying and unwanted, to at least three of us it made a huge impact. I am admitting that I have not fully given my life to God. I am holding back huge parts of my soul. Being a Christian is so hard, and I haven't put in the effort. For a couple of months I've been trying to remain a Christian, and failing at that. I know in the back of my mind, and in my heart that I haven't given Christianity the shot it deserves. I was contemplating giving up on something that I never really understood in the first place. I have encouragement now, and have been opened up to people who stand at the same place as I do. One of my closest friends, raised Christian, chose Atheism, is more vocal with his faith now than he ever was. A friend who I used to see eye to eye with, and he fell away, and then I started to slip, now is truly giving it a shot. I'm not going to let these people fail, I will lift them up and encourage them as they will do for me. I am truly choosing God this time, not just giving it a trial run. I really do regret living as a "Christian". I will until I truly have become one with God. I don't want any of this fake Christian stuff anymore. I'm not calling myself a Jesus follower until I actually follow through. I don't want to contribute to the bad name Christians already have at my age. I'm terrified to actually change the way I live my life. I'm terrified to actually do what God tells me to do. I'm terrified to go beyond the realizations of God's work, and the occasional reading of my bible. I'm scared to do more than pray to a God I don't honor every night. Because that is what I truly do.

I'm leaving myself vulnerable and open right now. I need this more than anything.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

This is me saying words I actually mean.























This weekend, as always, was amazing. Wii parties, Ames life, accidentally touching tongues with Josh Ladd, Welching it up, the Quaz's house, being with Genya all weekend.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Come on guys, lets get it going on!

I hate when people act like they know everything about something they've only known for less than two months. You don't know jack. Stop acting like it.



^^My Genya

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

But what I hold in my heart is real

This is my 100th post, just throwing that out there.

I just feel like writing some more, publicly.

I'm sittin in my onesies, about to go watch American Hardcore and eat soy ice cream, and things couldn't be better. I'm excited for the weekend, and excited for life. Did some more senior pictures, s to the toked, STOKED. Just for the record, does everyone think its creepier for Justin to send me private messages about my blogs than actually commenting on them, since he thinks he runs the risk of being "that creepy 25 year old"....oops, sorry J dawg! Cody called me today and told me he bought Halo 3. I instantly knew that I had lost the best friend I've ever had. He said he thought of me while he was buying it and that he felt slightly guilty, but to try calling him in a week. Halo really does ruin lives, Emily. I dyed my hair back to "Dark Ash Brown." Ugh, such a good name.

You know that typical essay your lit teacher will make you do about a book you read in class? The one involving notes on characterization, writing style, what is and isn't effective? Yeah, I did that in my journal today. N to the ERDY. Helter Skelter seriously is my number one non-fiction...ever. It really makes me want to look into being a paralegal or something along those lines. I know right?

Are we scared of progression? Sometimes it seems we've lost our sense of direction

Perspective is amazing. Getting over bitterness because you realize you're doing the same exact thing is amazing. Self-actualization is amazing. Realizing things that were in your head is amazing. Starting over is amazing. Starting up is amazing. Relating to people is amazing. Having nothing in common but still having a great time is amazing. Being obvious is amazing. Living away from home 2-3 days a week is amazing.

My life is absolutely fabulous right now, and I have plenty of guilt in saying that. But it's the truth, and I will express it as I see fit.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

To live our lives with unwavering intent and in the spirit of a new romance

My life is currently under construction. I'm taking initiative, and self-actualizing by the day. Writing again has helped me with this tremendously. Also, those tough decisions that are hard to make are logistically written in ink, making it nearly impossible for me to ignore the facts. I feel so at peace with everything right now. For the first time in a long time. That being said, I will admit to recently making some not so moral choices. Nothing that society would shun me for, yet things that wouldn't be too happy to hear. No drinking, no drugs, no sex. Just things that I'm not proud of, but are very minor to say the least. I love my life so much right now. The way I can get out of bed in the morning smiling, and go to bed smiling. I love living in Ames on the weekends. I love the friends I have up there, and the pseudo escape from my everyday life. I'm so over high school it's ridiculous. Valley I guess, to be specific. I went to an Ogden football game on Friday and I.........actually didn't hate being there. I just hate the environment of Valley's ridiculous games, and how "West Des Moines" it all is. Next week is homecoming week. Genya and I are not going to the game, but going to Ames, of course. We don't need to see the people we see daily, we need our friends. The typical Friday "Spirit Day" is going to get dominated by Lindsey Adler this year. Wearing Ogden Basketball sweatpants and some Ogden pride shirt, I'm going to show those Valley n00bs what the heck is up. I'm incredibly excited to do it.

If you know of the song "Soulja Boy", I suggest you listen to this.
The breakdown makes my life
Click "Crank That Cavalry Boy"

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

I find satisfaction in what they lack



Thanks Justin for actually making me look 10% less un-photogenic.
Oh, and for having the same weird sense of humor as I do.

Monday, September 17, 2007

I can't keep up I can't keep up I can't keep up

I wish there was some justification for when people "go downhill." Whether in their choices of entertainment, physical appearance, or overall demeanor, it happens more often than not. There are of course the exceptions, but in general I’ll be quoted as saying it to be laziness. Not always the typical “sit around the house” laziness, but the lack of motivation. Lacking motivation to stand up for yourself, make the often hard but right choice, keeping your pride +.
I feel that recently I have let myself go with the way I treat others. I’m filled to the brim with resentment, bitterness and anger. I love letting people feel my wrath, as weak as it always is. The absence of real power and wrath of my words is irrelevant, it is the thought behind that counts. Seniority complex has also caused me to unjustly “death glare” people in the halls of my school, or anywhere else where I feel that sense of rank. I do realize that I’m seventeen years old and know nothing about precedence, so what am I doing?
I’ve seen so many of my peers fall away. From God, from Straightedge, from simple everyday morals. It terrifies me. Scares me for them, and for what is in store for me. I don’t want to be the “what happened to her” girl. I feel like I can’t keep up, and that I’m out of step with the world (Copyright Minor Threat 1981. Dischord Records). Is it part of growing up to dumb yourself down? To make stupid choices just because the law will go easier on you? What does my generation not understand about the feeling of striving for knowledge. To make yourself more intellectual and cultured. The feeling of correcting your mistakes, and how it feels to know you’ve done well. It baffles me, and plenty of others the way my generation uses our media. More than any other time, we have the world at our fingertips, and we seem to put it to waste.
Maybe this is part of growing up. Standing strong and rising up while others might stay stagnant. No one says it is enjoyable to watch the people you love fail. Maybe these are the years that people prove or disprove themselves. I feel like I’m thirty sometimes, really.


+Pride in itself is a hard concept for me. As a Christian, pride is looked down upon, and we are to realize we are all sinners. I also see that the pride I have in most of my elementary choices is a big part of why I don’t backpedal. I feel joy in sticking with my original morals and standards. i.e. : Straightedge. Which in and of itself needs a footnote. The real Straightedge that many people outside of the situation aren’t able to grasp the concept of.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Every time I open my mouth I always wish I had kept it shut I gotta spill my guts

I just had a very embarrassing run in with my Advisory teacher, and a lit teacher, and a bio teacher.

and a secret crush

hahahahahahahahahha
I hate my life.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place If we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday

Things haven't been going this smoothly in a long time. School is good. I have a shortened schedule, good classes, good teachers. I don't have a lot of old friends in my classes, so I've been forced to meet new people. I really like the juniors in my Advanced Comp class, and the other people around us. I've gotten closer to acquaintances and drifted from people who I really have little care for. My hatred factor is down significantly. I've stopped being so angry, and got over that week of pure disgust in the world. There is one person directly in my life who I can not bring myself to like. I truly try, but I just keep getting more and more annoyed. One other person is not on my good list, not for anything they've done to me. In fact, I've never met this person, I just know how they affected my friend and the effects remain strong enough to break my heart day after day with empathy. My friendships are going great. I have my best friend, who is starting to act like the person I used to know, before the chronic sadness. I have my other best friend, who I see daily, we're always together, and get each other fairly well. I have my newest friend, who I trust more than most people. Another person I don't see often, but last Saturday was absolutely ridiculous and fun. I have my long time friend who I just started to get close to, and we have immense amounts of fun. These four people alone keep me going. Things with Bry are going decently, despite the fact that he is four hours away. I'm starting to get used to it and learn how to deal with the distance. I'm comfortable with the choices I'm making. I've been affirmed in my sobriety, and am more confident in it than ever. I love coming home and eating vegan Pad Thai and drinking some soy milk. I came home from school and had a Tofutti fudgesicle, and it was the best thing of my life. Justin Meyer is doing my senior pictures next week. We're doing ridiculous ones also. I'm stoked, they'll turn out well. Talking to Nick last night made me realize how well things are going, and how long its been since they've actually been this good.

WASSUP HAPPY!?!?

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Please take my life and use it, I'm ready

There is one living person who has been there for me more than anyone else. Who has shown me things and made me truly happy on numerous occasions where I was down. Who has given me an escape, and something to even live for at times.
I told him tonight of the ways he has affected me. Word for word it was:
"I just need to thank you for the way you've shown me how to live a joy filled life for Christ. The way no one else has been able to"
Between sobs and tears I was able to utter the most meaningful statement I've ever come up with. I have never had any confidence to say that sort of thing to someone. I got the most embracing and meaningful hug in a long time, if ever.

It was the first time I had ever met him in person.

Five minutes can make a heck of a difference.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

dear missing piece, I've missed you since the day we met.

One of my best friends did this, and I figured this was a better place for it than MySpace.

These are in random order to make them more discreet?

1. I've known you longer than almost anyone in Iowa and I'm so glad we finally got our problems worked out. You have a big heart that gets in the way of your decisions sometimes, and I hope to never use you as the crutch other people have. You mean more to me than nearly anyone, and I want the best for you.

2. You have shown me what honesty and a little courage can do. You've shown me love you show no one else. I miss your good moods and hope that things do get better one day. You of all people deserve the best. I find it sad that you are one of the most genuine, good hearted people in my life, yet you base your life around superheroes. I'm starting to think introducing Vonnegut to me was also one of the best things you've done.

3. You have my heart. Every emotion I act on, every time I fall, you are there. I don't realize the way you care most of the time, but I know deep down that "cutesy" words aren't what is important. I hope to get a firm grasp on that the way you obviously already have. No matter what I say, I know that the love you show me is so much more valuable than any compliment you can ever give. I do have a hard time forgiving you for a few things, but you have more than proved yourself.

4. I find you so easy to relate to. At first our friendship was based around how much we worry about someone and how much we want him to get better. Then it was connecting on a spiritual level. Having someone who is in my exact situation has helped my confidence in Christianity and my own faith immensely. I know we're nerdy and play video games too much, and hang out primarily in book stores, and bash Young Adult Lit books, but it means a lot to me to have such a solid friend my age with my interests.

5. You used to be such a terrible person. I don't even see you as the same as I used to. I honestly forget I knew you back then. I hate that this change happened after you lost your faith. I hope you can find that again, and I know you were genuine about it. We are so much fun, and I have no problem saying that. People love us. I know you have my back, and I have yours. I love how every time we hang out we walk in circles and talk about stuff. But we also know how to party hard!!


I'm waking up for the first time.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

But words mean nothing when you can’t back them up and you’re not worth my time so go get fucked.

My journey to misanthropy has finally come to a conclusion. It's funny how when Genya tells me "I love you so much Lindsey, please don't give up on people you know that there are good people out there. And I promise you that I'll never let you down, okay?" I can hear myself saying the exact same thing to Cody hundreds upon hundreds of times. And when I think "If I don't depend on anyone, no one can let me down." I hear Cody telling me that hundreds of hundreds of times. I can tell you this much, I don't want to hate everyone. I don't want to turn into the hate filled person Cody is, and I know how miserable he is. We even talked about this on my way home from Ames at four in the morning. Haaaah. I am blessed that I have productive(ish) stable coping mechanisms. Where Cody has the internet, I have Jesus, The Bible, other books, and even Mario Kart. I just can't seem to find good people to surround myself with. Everyone lets me down. I just keep choosing the wrong people to let back into my life. I forgive always, I become friends with the person again all too often. I always choose the wrong ones though. From now on, people have two chances with me. If they blow it, they blow it. I'm not letting people screw me over all the time anymore. I got pushed to the edge when people let me down six different times yesterday. SIX. I've decided against anyone but Bryan, Cody, Dylan, Nick and Genya. No one is worth my time anymore. I just can't trust that I'm not going to end up getting hurt by other people's stupidity. I made a vow never to sleep in my Jeep again. I refuse to wake up in Lot 60 to the sounds of drunk people at 2:30 am. To not be able to sleep because I'm shivering my brains out. I'm at such a loss for words now, I think I'll just sleep the rest of this weekend. All I know is I won't be in Ames until I can find some decent friends.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

You've so convinced me theres a life worth living for

Okay, I avoided it in my last post.

I'm having a really bad week. We don't need to say why, but it sucks. I've wrathed a few undeserving people, and one girl who needed a life lesson. I know in my heart that being mean is not the right thing to do, but between being a senior and trying to compensate for my own hurting has pushed me so far away from what I want to do. I don't know how long I'll let it go on. I'm on an insane power trip and I'm going to let it take its course a little bit longer. I love the friends who have actually been there for me the past two days though. I've had fun times on top of bad days. Not much beats that.








(me and nick fishing in animal crossing!!!)

We are the bright lights in these dark times.



Hahahahaha.
Sweet sign brah!

I officially have that syndrome so stupidly coined "Senioritis".
I have such easy classes this semester, life is a breeze right now. I feel like skipping first period almost daily. I get out at 1:15 or 1:45 every day. Wednesday I'm at school from 9:45 to 1:15. Not bad at all. I spend first period in Independent Lit Survey reading Mein Kampf, and occasionally playing my DS Lite. My next class is French 3, which I'm re-taking for a better grade and a filler class. Then photo, where I sit and watch how naive all the n00bie sophomores are and look up vegan recipes online. Fifth I have Advanced Contemporary Lit, where I sit and stare at my teacher, haha ;). Sixth I have Advanced Composition, so I actually have homework assignments that I don't mind doing at all. I've been out late every night this week. Enjoying my life as much as possible. Making Thai noodles with tofu and drinkin soy Chai. Today, Genya and I are making Vegan Brownies and Snickerdoodles. So frickin solid.

Sup n00bs.
Make your own KFC sign at peta2.com

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Your victims have been voiceless so we've spoken for them

Vegan: a strict vegetarian : one that consumes no animal food or dairy products

I cut eggs from my diet. Now I've started drinking soy milk only. I next am cutting cheese and yogurt from my diet. Then after that it gets serious. I have to watch everything I eat and avoid all dairy and animal products. I'm more excited for this I have been for anything in a while. One more standard of living for me to hold myself to. One more goal to reach. One more thing to be proud of.

Thanks Iowa State Fair for showcasing the fact that most animals are only raised to be killed. Thanks a lot.


“On November 17, 2003, [an employee] twisted the neck of a live chicken until the
head popped off; he then used what remained of the bloodied body of the chicken to
write graffiti on the wall.”

“On November 17, 2003, [an employee] intentionally squeezed two live chickens so
hard that feces squirted out of them. [He] directed the feces into the eyes of seven
other live chickens, exclaiming, ‘They shit all over us every day.’”

“On December 22, 2003, [an employee] placed a live chicken on the floor and jumped on the bird; the
bird exploded under his weight, and her intestines were visible.”

“On April 9, 2004, [an employee] placed a latex glove over the head of a live chicken and watched as
the chicken gasped for air and then died.”

I refuse to ever step foot into another KFC
heartless.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Where is your faith

Done with Tropical Sno. Done with summer. Done with adolescence. I sort of stole the latter idea from a friend, but it makes sense. In two days I start the last year of high school. And that is so awesome. I'm ready to be a big kid. After spending the night/day in Ames and having it during the school year, I'm itching for it. The past two days were so nice. ATA's last show. Bittersweet, but not dramatic. Typical ATA fashion I guess. Hanging out, getting lost in Friley. Awkward hellos during awkward goodbyes ;). Mario Kart. 3:45 fire drills. 4 am trips to Wallace to hang out. Basically having therapy in that 2.5 hours. Only sleeping less than 3 hours. Cornerstone messages that speak directly to me and make me so full of emotion. Seeing Cliff at the UDCC. Hanging out with Tyler, and Facebooking?

Then, my life snapped back to reality and I had to come back to Des Moines. Bum out.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

I hate everyone, and everything

I'm so stressed out I can't handle it. Tropical Sno is ruining my life, day by day. I feel forced to work long hours, with kids who don't know what they're doing in the first place. The kind of people that shouldn't be working there are, and it is the most aggravating situation yet. I miss my friends. I miss working with Aubrey because even though she was lame at working, we had the best time ever. All Bryan and I do is work and sleep. Work work work, sleep sleep sleep. Get up too early, go to bed too late, be crabby the next day. Vicious vicious cycle. I don't want school to start again. I don't like girls my age. I don't like guys my age. Minus like, two. I don't like Valley. I want to be in Ames with all my friends. I know I'm going to need them a lot this year, and I hope I can arrange that. I love my friends so much. I love sitting on bridges over highway 30 at 1 am and just talking about "surprise sex" and other things like that. Having dramatic battles with Cody, and getting home hours after curfew. I love Dylan and Carlos, and being bitter and spiteful, and trying to ruin lives. I have a great senior schedule though, filled with English classes. No math, no science. I just need God to keep me informed on who to know and who not to know. To trust that when I go with my heart, it is for a good reason. We'll see what this year brings. Hopefully not too much lonliness and stupidity.

Friday, August 10, 2007

#23

"He is retarded. There are things that he understands. He can get along on his own ok. The doctors say that his condition is deteriorating rapidly. Last year he understood this, now it isn't clear. He has never touched a woman. He knows that he never will. He eagerly awaits the day when he no longer feels the attraction for them. As it is right now, it hurts so much, so deeply, that he cries and loses control of himself. He has caused many embarrassing moments for his family. They don't what know what his problem is, why all of a sudden he'll cry and start to scream. They can't take him out anymore. He is smart enough to know that he's not like the rest of them. He waits for this deep pain to end."

This is part of a book I wish I hadn't put off buying. You know, a friend tosses the name around, you see it at Barnes and Noble multiple times, pick it up quite a few times. The guy from Black Flag, that band you should listen to, but don't. The band you want to listen to, but don't. You see American Hardcore, you see that this guy isn't another burnout and he knows his stuff. You go to Barnes and Noble. You buy Black Coffee Blues by this guy. You sit at Java Joe's waiting for your vegetarian Canadian Bacon sandwich. You read the first few pages. You want to read more. You eat your sandwich outside of Vaudeville Mews. You read the book. You get offered marijuana. You find the blurbs presented in this section more interesting than the local band, or the pipe five feet away. You show a friend, you tell another friend to read it. You carry it around in your purse. You want more from this author. You write blogs about the book.

Thank you Henry Rollins.

revolution!

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Destroy everything.

I've really enjoyed this week. I haven't gotten to see Bry much, but that is the only downfall. I've hung out with Genya a lot, and I'm so glad. She is one of the only girls I can actually stand to be around. I hate females. With a burning passion. I hate being one. So it was nice to have a good week with one, ya know what I mean? Hanging out with Nick was fun today too. It is nice having someone my age who understands where I'm coming from on so many high school frustrations. Like people who read bad literature, and people who get drunk every night. Its also nice to have someone to talk about Christianity with and not feel inferior. Coming from the same religious background helps enormously. I faced my fears and went into Mayhem today. The comic book store on Lincoln Way. The nerds hate me and I went in there, being all brave and stuff. I wish I was brave in other aspects of my life. I wish Cody wasn't so right all the time. About me being too nice and how its stupid I don't stand up for myself. I truly feel like Bryan and Cody are the only people who look out for me and want the best for me. And I'm not saying that to be passive aggressive. But the two most honest people in my life are honest because they're sick of me being upset. I'm freaking out about Bryan going to Minnesota. I'm glad Code will be in Ames this year though. Even if he's being stupid and anti-social, it'll be helpful.

I bought a prepaid phone so that I can text again. Social anxiety outlet!

To look into my heart was to look into hell




hahah, i love my life and love my friendssssssssssssssssss
genya adventures and ames/nick adventures r00l!

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

You tell me what to say, and when to say it. You tell me what to do, and how to do it.







Probably the best week ever. Get ready. Thats only Monday.

Oh, and P frickin S:
If one more person tells me not to dye my hair and criticizes my choices, I think I'm going to snap. Stay out of my life and my choices, because I can and will make my own decisions. I'm seventeen, I've been dying my hair since the seventh grade. I'm pretty sure I'm more experienced with it that anyone who has told me how bad it is for my STILL HEALTHY hair. I don't understand why my choices are actually supposed to be everyone elses. I just wish people would leave me alone and not tell me who to hang out with, or what to wear, or what to listen to, or how to dye MY fuggin hair. I like the music I listen to, I like the people I hang out with, I like the clothes I wear. Just because its not what you like, or who you like, doesn't mean I don't. I'm so frustrated I just want to get out of here.


...oops. angry rant

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Histories

It's coming to a head. Tensions are building up inside, crashing towards an ugly end. I can't think straight and my mind is shut when I'm in this state. I'm just a kid with a key hole heart, locked up and shut down by hate. Sometimes love is not enough to clear my clouded head. Mind like fist, closed and violent. Hands knuckled white, twisting emotions against themselves, stealing form my life. Anger is a loyal companion, it won't leave me alone. We walk the streets together at night, a faithful friend like a thorn in my side. Sometimes love is not enough to clear my clouded heart, strangled by a mistrust. Sometimes love is not enough. I'm trying to sort through the way I feel and getting nowhere quick. This chip on my shoulder feels more like a ten pound brick. You want to know what's smashing through my mind? Well, take a number and get in line. I'm being pulled in two difference directions: love and hate, getting confused inside.

I wish I wrote that.
Thanks Go It Alone for the life story

Friday, July 27, 2007

What makes us strong

My life is so sweet. Stayin up all night, havin good talks with good dude friends, realizing who really means most to me, sittin in my star wars underwear, discussin politics, facebooking aimlessly, driving to ames daily, eatin Jimmy Johns everyday, only listening to Bane, Modern Life Is War, Go It Alone, Ceremony, and Give Up The Ghost, lovin my kitten.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

"I can't sleep while she's lovin me!"

Controvery. Scandal. Pre-marital sex.
Seriously, I have my opinions on it, and I'm strong on them. I believe that pre-marital sex is stupid and wrong. You can start with the biblical reasons.
Acts 15:29
You are to abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality. You will do well to avoid these things. Farewell.
Romans 1:24
Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.
1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.
Hebrews 13:4
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

And it goes on...and on...and on.
I don't think that if you are ready/have committed yourself to a person, that you are ready to sleep with them. I see it all too often that there are relationships that are ridiculously pointless, and you wonder why someone puts up with that kind of stuff. And then, you find out they're having sex. Attachment. If I'm so attached to someone that I can't break up with them no matter what, I don't want it to be over something physical. And to get married, and know that someone has already been doing whatever they want with someone else, or anyone else, that'd break my little heart. It just isn't fair to the people you're actually going to be with for the rest of your life, in my opinion.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Somewhere, somehow, everything has changed

"I wish that I could spread my arms so wide that I could wrap them around everyone I've ever known and loved. Protect them from the crashing waves. The storms that will take us all one at a time. The unheard goodbyes that we are never ready to whisper. Turning once strong men into lost little boys, standing well dressed staring into six-foot holes"

Brand New? As Cities Burn? Rilo Kiley?

BANE.



I don't think people give the music I listen to enough credit.

I think I'll leave it at that.
Before I insult Dave Matthews and Dierks Bentley and make myself out to be the total hypocrit I am.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

If only time flew like a dove





A wedding and therapy session. Yikes. Talk about an emotional week. I went to Pella with Kayla and we went to THE cutest wedding ever. It was a friend of hers from high school, and I swear, although I didn't know anyone there I wanted to cry. Weddings are so cute. I love seeing people in love, but I couldn't help but think about divorce. That sounds so bad, and I'm not saying anything about the people in this particular wedding. It reminds me of that Paramore line: "I've seen love die, way too many times, when it deserved to be alive". True that Haley Williams. I bet my parents were happy at their wedding. So what happened then? What happened to "love never fails"? It is a scary and controversial topic. I'm taking a risk here, but I'm not sure that anyone in high school has the mental capacity to know what "love" is. I just don't see how it is possible. That is just my opinion, but nothing has changed my mind. But I guess I can't talk about what I'm unexperienced in. Someone prove me wrong, and show me a high school relationship that I can't argue against being love. I know I have NO right to say who loves who and stuff, but when signs are there, I'll see em and call em.
I went in for my last medicine check yesterday. I decided that therapy and medicine are not working for me, and I need to figure my life out myself. I don't want to be on 300mg of an anti-depressant. Age 17 shouldn't hold so many struggles. My doctor said that he is concerned that I show so many apathetic signs. I'm sorry, but there are things I just don't care about. He also said that my emotional state is very "fragile and easy to break". Kaboom. Atomic bomb right there. That is the last thing I'd ever like to hear about myself. I'd rather be called a whore or something. But what Dr. said is too true, and scares me. I want to be a strong person. I want to not have so many ups and downs. But no one wants to be called fragile. In my mind he might as well be calling me so many worse things.
So yeah, it was an emotional few days.
Good days, but emotional.

Ps: Pressure by Paramore is one of my all time favorite songs.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Explain to me, this conspiracy against me



Bryan won't watch Bambi with me. And I just remembered how cute bunny rabbits are. I want a big lot with 15,00 bunnies running around and enjoying themselves.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Some days, they last longer than others

I'm only excited to see two people when I get home. That is majorly depressing. If it weren't for them I'd probably just stay out here all summer. Screw senior pictures, screw Iowa shitty hardcore shows, screw humidity.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

"tinted windows don't mean nothin, they know who is inside!"

We all know the weird turn of events my life has taken over the past two weeks. Well, yeah, about that. I'm in California right now and as much as I hate it, I'm really glad I'm here. I feel like things with my friends are nosediving, and I'm really glad to be able just to get out of the situation. Most likely, it is my fault though. But what good are friends when all they do is make you feel bad about yourself and your life. My best friend tells me the stupid choices I make, and gives me advice, but when I don't take it, I don't get called an idiot. I don't get made fun of and called a slut, because most people would make the same choices as I do. It really isn't enjoyable having the people you care about most making you doubt yourself constantly. But I guess I'm too sensitive. I've started reading Mein Kampf. I picked it up just to make myself more cultured, you know? Plus, I think the author is brilliant. And no neo-nazi jokes please, because just because someone is smart doesn't mean you agree with them. I don't agree with Hitler for the main things he is known for. But to take such a crappy idea and convince so many people of it, it takes a lot of intellect. So why can't I do that? I want to learn how to be so persuasive, because I know in my heart that my opinions are not to cause mass genocide. Haha, in fact, if I could persuade people of anything, it would be to end genocide. There is a good quote in the book though: "retain the essential, forget the non-essential". Now, coming from the mouth of Adolf Hitler, it sounds a little harsh. But in any situation it is very true.

In other news, new Rocket Summer soon!

Friday, June 01, 2007

"Some things won't end up your way, but in the end they'll turn out okay!"

I have two easy finals on Monday, so I am considering school out. It is eleven o'clock on a Friday night, one of my first nights of summer. And I'm at home. I've been home for a half hour. Tonight did not go so well. This whole recluse thing I talked about didn't really happen, but it should. I just want to sleep for three months and wake up when the school year starts again. I'm so sick of people screwing with my emotions over and over and over again. It isn't fair to me, and I'm not strong enough to handle it. I had an acquaintance sit and pull me out of my almost disconsolated state. It was really nice. I just want things to be the way they were last week. Not complicated, and hidden from me. I really don't appreciate my friends keeping things from me, even if they know it'll hurt me. But whatever, whats done is done. And all I can think about is how there is nothing to do in Des Moines and I want to sleep for a long long time.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

because I make things hard and you're just trying to help.

This week I think I might just become totally reclusive and listen to nothing but Rufus Wainwright
I dig myself into holes, and I've got a mighty good one to fall into now. I had a nice talk with two friends last night and they gave me great advice. Yet, I can't follow it because I have no courage. None, nada, zip, zilch. So here I am, sitting in the school library with my World Peace Chai just hoping for some inner peace instead.

Once I find a working scanner I'll have about 10000000 pictures to add to this. Yeah, whatever.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Not sorry, not sorry, not sorry, not sorry.


These are my girls. I have so much history with both of them. Good, and plenty of bad. We hated each other a few months back. Forget that. We grew up, got over it, and now everything is back to the way it should be. Yesterday we took a road trip to Ames. It was quite possibly the weirdest evening of the past few months. Between boys, Dave Matthews Band, and Facebook notes, there was plenty of conflict. I don't understand how we always pick the wrong boys. Whether it be that they are just plain stupid, or that there is just no possible way we could ever date them, due to circumstances beyond our control. And how we always have to have at least one major let down each. I don't get it. We are cute girls. We are catty and sassy, and have eye conversations, but other than that, we're nice kids.



Look at this girl. We get called twins by almost every new person we meet. We both have a Jewish nose, and a love for vegetarianism. I think she deserves the best of the best. So suck on that.

I love her no matter what. She can be cute and sweet, or bitchy and harsh. AND ITS AWESOME. She never realizes when she is so blatantly obvious about her emotions, and its always a good time to point them out. That little fight we had a few months ago, hilarious.

I love them.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Mama didn't raise no fool.

I hate feeling like my friends ignore me and have forgotten about me. The people this year I never thought would abandon me.

I like how my friends change with the seasons. Except not.

dresses, J.D. Salinger, Sylvia Plath, Charles Bukowski, sass, The Lifestyle, Maddie, Amanda, Pom, Bane, Genya, Cody, green tea...

my life.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

You may be big but our bodyguard is bigger!











It's been a good couple of weeks. I love these people + some and its more than they will ever know. My friends mean the world to me.