Take apart your head

Turn that beat up

2008-06-15T06:37:00.002-06:00

My two favorite things. Ames in the summer, and Ames on a Sunday morning. Sunday morning Ames is recovery time. Barely anyone is on the road, and are usually sleeping in. Summer in Ames is half-full, at that. So, on literally zero minutes of sleep, after pedaling back at 7:15 this morning, I turned around and took a ride through campus at 7:30 am. I just went down to Lake LaVerne and rode around that once. It was cold out, but not too cold. I passed two people on the entire trip, and it was a wonderful feeling. I love this city for what it is. I love the weather lately, and the shape I'm getting in. I like being able to ride anywhere in Ames in about 10 minutes, and actually getting a tan. I like parties, and no curfew, and working enough to make bank, but not enough to burn out. I like tights and bandanas and v-neck t-shirts. I love summer. I love Ames. I love old friends. I love love love new friends. I am so content.

Indecisions lasting for years.

2008-05-12T18:54:00.003-06:00

I think everything has changed since January. I guess for the better? I live with my best friend. I live in my favorite town. I guess things are awkward around this place though. Two days in and already I feel out of place. But I guess that is just one of those things I will be forced to get over. This is my town, this is where I call home. So I have just as much of a right to it as you do. I sometimes don't know who I am anymore. Then I realize, that I don't care. Right now, I'm in survival mode. I often look at the corruption and failure in this world and seriously just feel on the verge of suicide. You can't escape it. I get worried.

I need God to make boys not my vice anymore.

lets make this interesting:

You will all suffer as a pig might. You all will suffer as the swine you are.

The good advice that you just didn't take

2008-01-16T20:09:00.000-06:00

I fit the female stereotype more than I ever want to admit. Sitting around, being bitchy, eating chocolate, and listening to Alanis Morissette.

mmmm

"feel good" revolution

2008-01-10T18:08:00.001-06:00

Today starts a set of blogs. Specific, themed blogs, meant to release some anger, and to get my writing going again.
The first in the series, disorganized at best:

War is unending. Our country began with a war. I'm convinced it will end the same way. We will soon lose our status as the number one empire in the world. Corrupted reasons, nine trillion dollars in debt (and growing every day), and a lack of our own resources will do us in. We borrow, borrow borrow. Print, print, print. When will we have enough! When will it be enough! A war on terror, sans weapons of mass destruction, turned into a war for oil. We need our gasoline and petroleum so badly that we're sacrificing American lives. Our world is a world that would shut down without war. Why? What is the need for such an unsettling force? We are driven by conflict as humans. Plot, controversy, things like that move us along. Driven by murder and scandalous government decisions. So why are we so adamant about the importance of war? Why is peace such a hard concept to grasp? Human nature destroys me. It rips my heart into a million pieces. Genocidal killers, with no heart, where killing is no object, and they block out remorse. What gives? I ask this; why are these people deserving of the ability to block out trauma. Trauma they have caused. They are not. In war, not only are civilians and casualties victims, but everyone involved in a war is a victim in my eyes. Those who fall for the corrupted ideas of war, those who fight for a country with ideals they don't believe in. Whether these soldiers are added to mortality numbers or their souls are just demolished, they are victims. Leaders of war, Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, (in my opinion) George W. Bush, all victims. Misguided victims. Whoever started Vietnam, the generals of the Confederate states. War is a victimizing, humiliating time for all parties involved. What war are we 100% free of shame over? What war were we, or the opposing side completely moral? War is nothing but a blemish on history, that we can't seem to cure.

Hey, how could you love me this way.

2008-01-03T23:08:00.000-06:00

Today is the most disappointed I've been in a long long time. I feel betrayed all over. By my country, by my community, by the person I should be closest to. I am really starting to consider moving away and skipping Iowa State. I want out of here. By here, I do not mean Iowa, I mean the country. I have no use for America anymore. I have no use for "friends" who don't have the common courtesy to be decent.

Run where you'll be safe

2007-12-30T15:43:00.000-06:00

I'm having a really bad day. I don't use this much anymore. Probably because I have nothing to say anymore. All I talk about is work. I love work. I love my jobs. Thats the only good part of today is my work christmas party. work work work work. yay. I guess I also don't use this because I don't talk to anyone who reads it anymore. Whats the point of personal blogging to strangers? Gay. Gamestop is my safe haven.

Living in those days that hold me back, they hold me back, they hold me down

2007-12-05T23:24:00.000-06:00

Christmas is coming up soon, but instead of looking forward, I'm looking back. I'm realizing things I am most thankful for, maybe a couple weeks late. First and foremost, I am thankful for ICA. I may complain about the school, but the people there are the most phenomenal and most accepting people I've ever come into contact with. Petty, yes. Judgemental, yes. Corrupt, yes. But not at all to the degree I have seen in others. I've made maybe one or two good friends there, and I don't hang out with ICA kids outside of school, but I really consider them my family. Being grounded has made me really appreciate my other friends also. Cody, the insanity that keeps me sane. Enough said. I could go on for days, but I won't. Genya, my soulmate. I love this girl and miss her so much and can't wait to get ungrounded so we can start our adventures again. I miss Nick more than almost anyone. My best guy friend that isn't Cody. Nick's wacky stories, most probably exaggerated, and just the way things work out in his life always keep me entertained. Josh Ladd has become one of the most important people in my life also. We always used to fight, but now I can tell him anything. And you people, cough Zach, who said we should just date...um ew. Josh and I have always been ridiculously platonic, always will be. I'm thankful for my Nick's Bar and Grill family. The people I work with make my day better, time after time. Eric, the "jolly" waiter, who Genya and I love more than most people on this planet. Because he puts up with our fake flirting, fake flirts back, and think we're funny!!!! Maureen because she is an English teacher, and I'm heavily considering asking her to adopt me. Brett because his initials are B A Champion. hahaha, be a champion. Emily because she's...out of control. Just the entire setting. I don't want to leave that place. I also got hired at Gamestop. I think that job will be a lot of fun. Because just talking to people about games and electronics is pretty fly if you ask me. And last but not least, I am thankful for my little brother. He has kept me company while I'm grounded, helped gang up on our parents, and been the stupidest person ever to come into my life. Oh yeah, and Jude Law for accidentally being naked on the internet.

If I stay awake tonight I'll gain much more than growing old.

2007-11-26T02:25:00.001-06:00

MY
EYES
ARE
GLUED
OPEN
I'M
RAMBLING
TO
CODY
ABOUT
WIKIPEDIA
I'M
LISTENING
TO
COMEBACK
KID
ON
REPEAT
ALL
IN
A
YEAR
HAS
THE
BEST
BREAKDOWN
NORTH
OF
BOSTON
AND
LA

I just want to find more people who get as amped as Cody and I do about good tunes. Hardcore lives on at 3:45 AM, suckaaaas. I love insomnia. I've missed it. I'm going to stay up more often. I guess that means no movies for me, heehehahahhooohooooo. I love Ames, I don't love Des Moines. Des Moines is a pile of crap I drive through to get to Ames. I love kids from Boone County apparently. Yay. I'm really tired of school. It is not cool. I just want to get out of herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre. Go to Ames. Save gas. Learn something useful. Sick of high school. Sick of learning crap I could just read about on Wikipedia. So sick of people with crappy music taste. I'm sorry, normally I try to be diplomatic. Dave Matthews likes dong. Yes, dong. OAR? MORE LIKE NO-AR. Boys Like Girls? Lol get me a gr8 escape away from Crappymusicville, population 10000000. Get educated n00bs. You people need to understand subcultures. Hardline Manifesto Get pure!

Look, this is my best friend. He is from Ceremony.

He's tough as nails and has an Out Of Step tattoo. BFFS!!!!!! NO WAI ROSS. I AM OUT OF STEP TOO. CAN YOU NOT KEEP UP? ME TOO.

Ceremony pwns your acoustic crap so hard.
Except Bright Eyes. Conor Oberst I love you.

ITS 4 AM. I WILL NEVER SLEEP. WAHAHA.

My pen is the barrel of the gun.

2007-11-05T21:00:00.000-06:00

There are very few things that mean as much to me as writing does. I have so many struggles with it. But it all comes down to my burning passion for writing. I love writing, cutesy love letters, pissed off rants, persuasive speeches, you name it. I have a 4000+ word paper due at the end of December and I'm killing myself over it. I'm seriously having such a hard time because I know I'm going to kill myself if it isn't perfect. Twenty+ pages, and I will make it shine. My topic: genocide in East Africa. That alone is getting me down. I don't sleep, between stressing about solutions, and stressing about homework. I want to go to Africa again. I just want to make a difference, and this paper is pulling at my emotions so hard already. I'm reading a book about a guy's experience in Darfur. The preface alone made me want to cry. He met a woman who's sister had died in the rebel war, and she had her niece and nephew. The one year old had a bullet wound in her back, and although the author gave the paramedics her name specifically, his one regret to this day is not taking that little girl with him. I really wish I didn't take English classes and writing so seriously all the time.

The way we dress disturbs them all

2007-11-01T19:18:00.000-06:00

So I was talking to a friend last night. We were reminiscing about our childhood, specifically Peanuts. We were discussing who we liked most and who we were most like.

After serious contemplation, I am...............

LUCY!!
Lucy Van Pelt works hard at being bossy, crabby and selfish. She is loud and yells a lot. Her smiles and motives are rarely pure. She's a know-it-all who dispenses advice whether you want it or not--and for Charlie Brown, there's a charge. She's a fussbudget, in the true sense of the word. She's a real grouch, with only one or two soft spots, and both of them may be Schroeder, who prefers Beethoven. As she sees it, hers is the only way. The absence of logic in her arguments holds a kind of shining lunacy. When it comes to compliments, Lucy only likes receiving them. If she's paying one--or even smiling--she's probably up to something devious.
I highlighted the things that apply, if anything else applies, I probably just don't want to admit it!
As much as I don't want to relate to Lucy, I really do. I mean, I upload a new picture on the space, and I'm almost in that exact pose
Ridiculous!

Someday, we'll look back and laugh

2007-10-29T21:47:00.000-06:00

Genya and I have big plans and even bigger enthusiasm for them. April we turn eighteen. May we graduate. Our grad party is going to be awesome. It really is. June-ish we move to Ames. We're getting an apartment and probably missing out on dorm life. Genya's parents are moving to Colorado, so this way she doesn't have to move twice, and gets in state tuition. Plus I need to get out of this house. Honestly, rent will probably equal about what we pay for gas driving to Ames all the time. I'm excited though. Our best friends are there. Then we're going to Iowa State. Everything is amazing. I'm so excited for this all to kick into gear.

In the meantime. I write a darn good speech, and an even better love letter.

When you're 16 you don't know what forever means.

2007-10-28T11:29:00.000-06:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking about old people lately.
First and foremost is this man:

I stand behind him 100000%. The quote floating around the internet, "Dr. Paul cured my apathy" is right on the money. I feel like he is the only candidate that can turn this country around. Watching him speak again yesterday again reassured me in his campaign. Working downtown at the headquarters to recruit help is also so validating. Genya went with me to the "Ruckus Rally", which oddly enough, was tamer than any Ron Paul convention I've been to, and decided to join the Revolution. I was so thrilled that I took the opportunity to tell everyone about converting her to "Paulism." Including the man himself, which was followed by the three of us saying "FREEDOM" in unison, and me getting a HIGH FIVE from Ron. Seriously, high fives are the coolest thing ever. I truly feel like the only reason this man is not the front runner is because of ignorance. I highly suggest starting here: Writings of Dr. Paul

Second old person.
There is a man who comes into Nick's Bar and Grill, where I work, quite regularly. I haven't worked many times, but he has been in there almost every time. He is old, and super nice, and likes booths. Friday night Genya and I were working, and Mr. Brown had to be helped to a chair. Everyone was super worried about him, but he was apparently fine enough to drive himself home. Whether it was his three or so glasses of wine, or just old age, we're not sure. Genya heard from a waitress that Mr. Brown and his wife used to come into the restaurant all the time. She had a tube in her nose, and he would always help her around. Then one day, Mr. Brown started coming by himself. Everyone just knew. And he still comes to Nick's, probably because it reminds him of his wife. Gen pointed out that Mr. Brown still wears his wedding ring. I was suddenly in such a sad mood. I didn't know how to feel. I mean, that is what everyone wants in their life. Love that is so unconditional and consuming that after you're gone, your other has to do things to remind them of your presence. I don't know.

Third old person.
Zach's Blog
I read this and it hit home with me. I did telemarketing for State Farm for three or so months. Not only was I so happy to see this side of Zach floating around, this really is my favorite side of him haha, but I was glad someone else could relate. I think part of the reason I'm calling for the Ron Paul campaign is because I miss stories like this. If you're too lazy to click the link and haven't read it yet, in summary:
" “My name is Zach and I am a student here at Iowa State…” BAM I GET CUT OFF
.
“I have told you and told you guys to stop calling! My husband is 83 years old, and he is very sick in the hospital, EIGHTY THREE YEARS OLD! YOU GUYS JUST KEEP CALLING! and I asked the last person to take us off the list…”"

I can testify to that being the worst feeling in the world. Your heart drops, you feel like crying, and sometimes you do. The people who have to tell you "Thats my husband, he passed away *insert amount of time here*" are the people who stand out. Or the old guy who I talked to for ten minutes, because he told me that I was the first and probably last person he'd talk to all day. He told me of a book about a cat named Molly, and how he strikes back against life insurance people and retirement homes who call him. He would act all interested and then once they took him out to a free lunch, never pick up their phone calls again. I told him that I would try my best to get my boss to do the same for him, he obviously found great joy in it. Then there were the old ladies, who always called me "sweetheart" and "honey" and always were eager to give me information for quotes, even though they rarely even knew what kind of cars they owned. A lady I called and said "Saturday mornings are my gardening days sweetheart! Call back in two hours!" brought me so much joy. For as truly CRAPPY cold calling can be, it is also so rewarding and develops character. I feel like the Ron Paul calling will do this even more. It is so easy to relate to people when they want the same man in charge of the country. I already had a conversation with an older lady about why we supported him. It was awesome how we liked him for such different reasons, but also the same ones.

...OH OLD PEOPLE, BEING SO OLD AND FUNNY.

I've spent my life questioning everything

2007-10-16T10:49:00.000-06:00

Whoah, long time no blog!
The true sign that things are going well for me.
This school change was the best idea my mother has ever had. I already feel immersed in the love of God and I feel a change already. The reluctance I felt even a week ago is quickly dissipating. A trip to California made me realize a lot of things about my dad, and start to forgive him. Amazingly. I have the most amazing people in my life. I wouldn't have it any other way. In health today we were talking about depression, and I realized I wake up truly happy now. Such a change from sixth grade, from seventh, from eighth, all the way up until May. I remember being such a downer around that time, I don't know what changed. I have had one true bad mood in the past month. It used to be the exact opposite.

Please take my life and use it, I'm ready.

2007-10-01T17:50:00.000-06:00

I'm making the choice to come clean about some things. I'm putting this on the internet because it it benefits no one to keep it in my head. I don't want to hide things, nor do I want to keep them this way. That being said, this is not easy for me.

My struggle with faith is coming to a fork in the road. Christianity is always a struggle, but I keep to myself about it, for the most part. A few close friends and I have been talking a lot today about our struggles. Most likely provoked by talking to someone at the show in Ames on Saturday. This guy was going around asking about how we were with our faith. What? No one actually cares about where other people stand with Christ! No one actually out of the blue will offer to help. I'm so envious of the way he goes about his life. While to non-believers, it was annoying and unwanted, to at least three of us it made a huge impact. I am admitting that I have not fully given my life to God. I am holding back huge parts of my soul. Being a Christian is so hard, and I haven't put in the effort. For a couple of months I've been trying to remain a Christian, and failing at that. I know in the back of my mind, and in my heart that I haven't given Christianity the shot it deserves. I was contemplating giving up on something that I never really understood in the first place. I have encouragement now, and have been opened up to people who stand at the same place as I do. One of my closest friends, raised Christian, chose Atheism, is more vocal with his faith now than he ever was. A friend who I used to see eye to eye with, and he fell away, and then I started to slip, now is truly giving it a shot. I'm not going to let these people fail, I will lift them up and encourage them as they will do for me. I am truly choosing God this time, not just giving it a trial run. I really do regret living as a "Christian". I will until I truly have become one with God. I don't want any of this fake Christian stuff anymore. I'm not calling myself a Jesus follower until I actually follow through. I don't want to contribute to the bad name Christians already have at my age. I'm terrified to actually change the way I live my life. I'm terrified to actually do what God tells me to do. I'm terrified to go beyond the realizations of God's work, and the occasional reading of my bible. I'm scared to do more than pray to a God I don't honor every night. Because that is what I truly do.

I'm leaving myself vulnerable and open right now. I need this more than anything.

This is me saying words I actually mean.

2007-09-30T12:52:00.000-06:00

This weekend, as always, was amazing. Wii parties, Ames life, accidentally touching tongues with Josh Ladd, Welching it up, the Quaz's house, being with Genya all weekend.

Come on guys, lets get it going on!

2007-09-27T11:01:00.003-06:00

I hate when people act like they know everything about something they've only known for less than two months. You don't know jack. Stop acting like it.

^^My Genya

But what I hold in my heart is real

2007-09-25T20:06:00.001-06:00

This is my 100th post, just throwing that out there.

I just feel like writing some more, publicly.

I'm sittin in my onesies, about to go watch American Hardcore and eat soy ice cream, and things couldn't be better. I'm excited for the weekend, and excited for life. Did some more senior pictures, s to the toked, STOKED. Just for the record, does everyone think its creepier for Justin to send me private messages about my blogs than actually commenting on them, since he thinks he runs the risk of being "that creepy 25 year old"....oops, sorry J dawg! Cody called me today and told me he bought Halo 3. I instantly knew that I had lost the best friend I've ever had. He said he thought of me while he was buying it and that he felt slightly guilty, but to try calling him in a week. Halo really does ruin lives, Emily. I dyed my hair back to "Dark Ash Brown." Ugh, such a good name.

You know that typical essay your lit teacher will make you do about a book you read in class? The one involving notes on characterization, writing style, what is and isn't effective? Yeah, I did that in my journal today. N to the ERDY. Helter Skelter seriously is my number one non-fiction...ever. It really makes me want to look into being a paralegal or something along those lines. I know right?

Are we scared of progression? Sometimes it seems we've lost our sense of direction

2007-09-25T06:58:00.000-06:00

Perspective is amazing. Getting over bitterness because you realize you're doing the same exact thing is amazing. Self-actualization is amazing. Realizing things that were in your head is amazing. Starting over is amazing. Starting up is amazing. Relating to people is amazing. Having nothing in common but still having a great time is amazing. Being obvious is amazing. Living away from home 2-3 days a week is amazing.

My life is absolutely fabulous right now, and I have plenty of guilt in saying that. But it's the truth, and I will express it as I see fit.

To live our lives with unwavering intent and in the spirit of a new romance

2007-09-23T15:34:00.000-06:00

My life is currently under construction. I'm taking initiative, and self-actualizing by the day. Writing again has helped me with this tremendously. Also, those tough decisions that are hard to make are logistically written in ink, making it nearly impossible for me to ignore the facts. I feel so at peace with everything right now. For the first time in a long time. That being said, I will admit to recently making some not so moral choices. Nothing that society would shun me for, yet things that wouldn't be too happy to hear. No drinking, no drugs, no sex. Just things that I'm not proud of, but are very minor to say the least. I love my life so much right now. The way I can get out of bed in the morning smiling, and go to bed smiling. I love living in Ames on the weekends. I love the friends I have up there, and the pseudo escape from my everyday life. I'm so over high school it's ridiculous. Valley I guess, to be specific. I went to an Ogden football game on Friday and I.........actually didn't hate being there. I just hate the environment of Valley's ridiculous games, and how "West Des Moines" it all is. Next week is homecoming week. Genya and I are not going to the game, but going to Ames, of course. We don't need to see the people we see daily, we need our friends. The typical Friday "Spirit Day" is going to get dominated by Lindsey Adler this year. Wearing Ogden Basketball sweatpants and some Ogden pride shirt, I'm going to show those Valley n00bs what the heck is up. I'm incredibly excited to do it.

If you know of the song "Soulja Boy", I suggest you listen to this.
The breakdown makes my life
Click "Crank That Cavalry Boy"

I find satisfaction in what they lack

2007-09-19T21:40:00.000-06:00

Thanks Justin for actually making me look 10% less un-photogenic.
Oh, and for having the same weird sense of humor as I do.

I can't keep up I can't keep up I can't keep up

2007-09-17T10:45:00.000-06:00

I wish there was some justification for when people "go downhill." Whether in their choices of entertainment, physical appearance, or overall demeanor, it happens more often than not. There are of course the exceptions, but in general I’ll be quoted as saying it to be laziness. Not always the typical “sit around the house” laziness, but the lack of motivation. Lacking motivation to stand up for yourself, make the often hard but right choice, keeping your pride +.
I feel that recently I have let myself go with the way I treat others. I’m filled to the brim with resentment, bitterness and anger. I love letting people feel my wrath, as weak as it always is. The absence of real power and wrath of my words is irrelevant, it is the thought behind that counts. Seniority complex has also caused me to unjustly “death glare” people in the halls of my school, or anywhere else where I feel that sense of rank. I do realize that I’m seventeen years old and know nothing about precedence, so what am I doing?
I’ve seen so many of my peers fall away. From God, from Straightedge, from simple everyday morals. It terrifies me. Scares me for them, and for what is in store for me. I don’t want to be the “what happened to her” girl. I feel like I can’t keep up, and that I’m out of step with the world (Copyright Minor Threat 1981. Dischord Records). Is it part of growing up to dumb yourself down? To make stupid choices just because the law will go easier on you? What does my generation not understand about the feeling of striving for knowledge. To make yourself more intellectual and cultured. The feeling of correcting your mistakes, and how it feels to know you’ve done well. It baffles me, and plenty of others the way my generation uses our media. More than any other time, we have the world at our fingertips, and we seem to put it to waste.
Maybe this is part of growing up. Standing strong and rising up while others might stay stagnant. No one says it is enjoyable to watch the people you love fail. Maybe these are the years that people prove or disprove themselves. I feel like I’m thirty sometimes, really.

+Pride in itself is a hard concept for me. As a Christian, pride is looked down upon, and we are to realize we are all sinners. I also see that the pride I have in most of my elementary choices is a big part of why I don’t backpedal. I feel joy in sticking with my original morals and standards. i.e. : Straightedge. Which in and of itself needs a footnote. The real Straightedge that many people outside of the situation aren’t able to grasp the concept of.

Every time I open my mouth I always wish I had kept it shut I gotta spill my guts

2007-09-14T10:22:00.000-06:00

I just had a very embarrassing run in with my Advisory teacher, and a lit teacher, and a bio teacher.

and a secret crush

hahahahahahahahahha
I hate my life.

Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place If we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday

2007-09-12T13:10:00.000-06:00

Things haven't been going this smoothly in a long time. School is good. I have a shortened schedule, good classes, good teachers. I don't have a lot of old friends in my classes, so I've been forced to meet new people. I really like the juniors in my Advanced Comp class, and the other people around us. I've gotten closer to acquaintances and drifted from people who I really have little care for. My hatred factor is down significantly. I've stopped being so angry, and got over that week of pure disgust in the world. There is one person directly in my life who I can not bring myself to like. I truly try, but I just keep getting more and more annoyed. One other person is not on my good list, not for anything they've done to me. In fact, I've never met this person, I just know how they affected my friend and the effects remain strong enough to break my heart day after day with empathy. My friendships are going great. I have my best friend, who is starting to act like the person I used to know, before the chronic sadness. I have my other best friend, who I see daily, we're always together, and get each other fairly well. I have my newest friend, who I trust more than most people. Another person I don't see often, but last Saturday was absolutely ridiculous and fun. I have my long time friend who I just started to get close to, and we have immense amounts of fun. These four people alone keep me going. Things with Bry are going decently, despite the fact that he is four hours away. I'm starting to get used to it and learn how to deal with the distance. I'm comfortable with the choices I'm making. I've been affirmed in my sobriety, and am more confident in it than ever. I love coming home and eating vegan Pad Thai and drinking some soy milk. I came home from school and had a Tofutti fudgesicle, and it was the best thing of my life. Justin Meyer is doing my senior pictures next week. We're doing ridiculous ones also. I'm stoked, they'll turn out well. Talking to Nick last night made me realize how well things are going, and how long its been since they've actually been this good.

WASSUP HAPPY!?!?

Please take my life and use it, I'm ready

2007-09-06T22:45:00.000-06:00

There is one living person who has been there for me more than anyone else. Who has shown me things and made me truly happy on numerous occasions where I was down. Who has given me an escape, and something to even live for at times.
I told him tonight of the ways he has affected me. Word for word it was:
"I just need to thank you for the way you've shown me how to live a joy filled life for Christ. The way no one else has been able to"
Between sobs and tears I was able to utter the most meaningful statement I've ever come up with. I have never had any confidence to say that sort of thing to someone. I got the most embracing and meaningful hug in a long time, if ever.

It was the first time I had ever met him in person.

Five minutes can make a heck of a difference.

dear missing piece, I've missed you since the day we met.

2007-09-05T15:13:00.000-06:00

One of my best friends did this, and I figured this was a better place for it than MySpace.

These are in random order to make them more discreet?

1. I've known you longer than almost anyone in Iowa and I'm so glad we finally got our problems worked out. You have a big heart that gets in the way of your decisions sometimes, and I hope to never use you as the crutch other people have. You mean more to me than nearly anyone, and I want the best for you.

2. You have shown me what honesty and a little courage can do. You've shown me love you show no one else. I miss your good moods and hope that things do get better one day. You of all people deserve the best. I find it sad that you are one of the most genuine, good hearted people in my life, yet you base your life around superheroes. I'm starting to think introducing Vonnegut to me was also one of the best things you've done.

3. You have my heart. Every emotion I act on, every time I fall, you are there. I don't realize the way you care most of the time, but I know deep down that "cutesy" words aren't what is important. I hope to get a firm grasp on that the way you obviously already have. No matter what I say, I know that the love you show me is so much more valuable than any compliment you can ever give. I do have a hard time forgiving you for a few things, but you have more than proved yourself.

4. I find you so easy to relate to. At first our friendship was based around how much we worry about someone and how much we want him to get better. Then it was connecting on a spiritual level. Having someone who is in my exact situation has helped my confidence in Christianity and my own faith immensely. I know we're nerdy and play video games too much, and hang out primarily in book stores, and bash Young Adult Lit books, but it means a lot to me to have such a solid friend my age with my interests.

5. You used to be such a terrible person. I don't even see you as the same as I used to. I honestly forget I knew you back then. I hate that this change happened after you lost your faith. I hope you can find that again, and I know you were genuine about it. We are so much fun, and I have no problem saying that. People love us. I know you have my back, and I have yours. I love how every time we hang out we walk in circles and talk about stuff. But we also know how to party hard!!

I'm waking up for the first time.

But words mean nothing when you can’t back them up and you’re not worth my time so go get fucked.

2007-09-02T09:35:00.001-06:00

My journey to misanthropy has finally come to a conclusion. It's funny how when Genya tells me "I love you so much Lindsey, please don't give up on people you know that there are good people out there. And I promise you that I'll never let you down, okay?" I can hear myself saying the exact same thing to Cody hundreds upon hundreds of times. And when I think "If I don't depend on anyone, no one can let me down." I hear Cody telling me that hundreds of hundreds of times. I can tell you this much, I don't want to hate everyone. I don't want to turn into the hate filled person Cody is, and I know how miserable he is. We even talked about this on my way home from Ames at four in the morning. Haaaah. I am blessed that I have productive(ish) stable coping mechanisms. Where Cody has the internet, I have Jesus, The Bible, other books, and even Mario Kart. I just can't seem to find good people to surround myself with. Everyone lets me down. I just keep choosing the wrong people to let back into my life. I forgive always, I become friends with the person again all too often. I always choose the wrong ones though. From now on, people have two chances with me. If they blow it, they blow it. I'm not letting people screw me over all the time anymore. I got pushed to the edge when people let me down six different times yesterday. SIX. I've decided against anyone but Bryan, Cody, Dylan, Nick and Genya. No one is worth my time anymore. I just can't trust that I'm not going to end up getting hurt by other people's stupidity. I made a vow never to sleep in my Jeep again. I refuse to wake up in Lot 60 to the sounds of drunk people at 2:30 am. To not be able to sleep because I'm shivering my brains out. I'm at such a loss for words now, I think I'll just sleep the rest of this weekend. All I know is I won't be in Ames until I can find some decent friends.

You've so convinced me theres a life worth living for

2007-08-30T19:41:00.001-06:00

Okay, I avoided it in my last post.

I'm having a really bad week. We don't need to say why, but it sucks. I've wrathed a few undeserving people, and one girl who needed a life lesson. I know in my heart that being mean is not the right thing to do, but between being a senior and trying to compensate for my own hurting has pushed me so far away from what I want to do. I don't know how long I'll let it go on. I'm on an insane power trip and I'm going to let it take its course a little bit longer. I love the friends who have actually been there for me the past two days though. I've had fun times on top of bad days. Not much beats that.

(me and nick fishing in animal crossing!!!)

We are the bright lights in these dark times.

2007-08-30T11:28:00.000-06:00

Hahahahaha.
Sweet sign brah!

I officially have that syndrome so stupidly coined "Senioritis".
I have such easy classes this semester, life is a breeze right now. I feel like skipping first period almost daily. I get out at 1:15 or 1:45 every day. Wednesday I'm at school from 9:45 to 1:15. Not bad at all. I spend first period in Independent Lit Survey reading Mein Kampf, and occasionally playing my DS Lite. My next class is French 3, which I'm re-taking for a better grade and a filler class. Then photo, where I sit and watch how naive all the n00bie sophomores are and look up vegan recipes online. Fifth I have Advanced Contemporary Lit, where I sit and stare at my teacher, haha ;). Sixth I have Advanced Composition, so I actually have homework assignments that I don't mind doing at all. I've been out late every night this week. Enjoying my life as much as possible. Making Thai noodles with tofu and drinkin soy Chai. Today, Genya and I are making Vegan Brownies and Snickerdoodles. So frickin solid.

Sup n00bs.
Make your own KFC sign at peta2.com

Your victims have been voiceless so we've spoken for them

2007-08-23T19:22:00.000-06:00

Vegan: a strict vegetarian : one that consumes no animal food or dairy products

I cut eggs from my diet. Now I've started drinking soy milk only. I next am cutting cheese and yogurt from my diet. Then after that it gets serious. I have to watch everything I eat and avoid all dairy and animal products. I'm more excited for this I have been for anything in a while. One more standard of living for me to hold myself to. One more goal to reach. One more thing to be proud of.

Thanks Iowa State Fair for showcasing the fact that most animals are only raised to be killed. Thanks a lot.

“On November 17, 2003, [an employee] twisted the neck of a live chicken until the
head popped off; he then used what remained of the bloodied body of the chicken to
write graffiti on the wall.”

“On November 17, 2003, [an employee] intentionally squeezed two live chickens so
hard that feces squirted out of them. [He] directed the feces into the eyes of seven
other live chickens, exclaiming, ‘They shit all over us every day.’”

“On December 22, 2003, [an employee] placed a live chicken on the floor and jumped on the bird; the
bird exploded under his weight, and her intestines were visible.”

“On April 9, 2004, [an employee] placed a latex glove over the head of a live chicken and watched as
the chicken gasped for air and then died.”

I refuse to ever step foot into another KFC
heartless.

Where is your faith

2007-08-19T21:59:00.001-06:00

Done with Tropical Sno. Done with summer. Done with adolescence. I sort of stole the latter idea from a friend, but it makes sense. In two days I start the last year of high school. And that is so awesome. I'm ready to be a big kid. After spending the night/day in Ames and having it during the school year, I'm itching for it. The past two days were so nice. ATA's last show. Bittersweet, but not dramatic. Typical ATA fashion I guess. Hanging out, getting lost in Friley. Awkward hellos during awkward goodbyes ;). Mario Kart. 3:45 fire drills. 4 am trips to Wallace to hang out. Basically having therapy in that 2.5 hours. Only sleeping less than 3 hours. Cornerstone messages that speak directly to me and make me so full of emotion. Seeing Cliff at the UDCC. Hanging out with Tyler, and Facebooking?

Then, my life snapped back to reality and I had to come back to Des Moines. Bum out.

I hate everyone, and everything

2007-08-18T00:52:00.000-06:00

I'm so stressed out I can't handle it. Tropical Sno is ruining my life, day by day. I feel forced to work long hours, with kids who don't know what they're doing in the first place. The kind of people that shouldn't be working there are, and it is the most aggravating situation yet. I miss my friends. I miss working with Aubrey because even though she was lame at working, we had the best time ever. All Bryan and I do is work and sleep. Work work work, sleep sleep sleep. Get up too early, go to bed too late, be crabby the next day. Vicious vicious cycle. I don't want school to start again. I don't like girls my age. I don't like guys my age. Minus like, two. I don't like Valley. I want to be in Ames with all my friends. I know I'm going to need them a lot this year, and I hope I can arrange that. I love my friends so much. I love sitting on bridges over highway 30 at 1 am and just talking about "surprise sex" and other things like that. Having dramatic battles with Cody, and getting home hours after curfew. I love Dylan and Carlos, and being bitter and spiteful, and trying to ruin lives. I have a great senior schedule though, filled with English classes. No math, no science. I just need God to keep me informed on who to know and who not to know. To trust that when I go with my heart, it is for a good reason. We'll see what this year brings. Hopefully not too much lonliness and stupidity.

#23

2007-08-10T22:57:00.000-06:00

"He is retarded. There are things that he understands. He can get along on his own ok. The doctors say that his condition is deteriorating rapidly. Last year he understood this, now it isn't clear. He has never touched a woman. He knows that he never will. He eagerly awaits the day when he no longer feels the attraction for them. As it is right now, it hurts so much, so deeply, that he cries and loses control of himself. He has caused many embarrassing moments for his family. They don't what know what his problem is, why all of a sudden he'll cry and start to scream. They can't take him out anymore. He is smart enough to know that he's not like the rest of them. He waits for this deep pain to end."

This is part of a book I wish I hadn't put off buying. You know, a friend tosses the name around, you see it at Barnes and Noble multiple times, pick it up quite a few times. The guy from Black Flag, that band you should listen to, but don't. The band you want to listen to, but don't. You see American Hardcore, you see that this guy isn't another burnout and he knows his stuff. You go to Barnes and Noble. You buy Black Coffee Blues by this guy. You sit at Java Joe's waiting for your vegetarian Canadian Bacon sandwich. You read the first few pages. You want to read more. You eat your sandwich outside of Vaudeville Mews. You read the book. You get offered marijuana. You find the blurbs presented in this section more interesting than the local band, or the pipe five feet away. You show a friend, you tell another friend to read it. You carry it around in your purse. You want more from this author. You write blogs about the book.

Thank you Henry Rollins.

revolution!

2007-08-10T12:51:00.001-06:00

Destroy everything.

2007-08-04T02:14:00.000-06:00

I've really enjoyed this week. I haven't gotten to see Bry much, but that is the only downfall. I've hung out with Genya a lot, and I'm so glad. She is one of the only girls I can actually stand to be around. I hate females. With a burning passion. I hate being one. So it was nice to have a good week with one, ya know what I mean? Hanging out with Nick was fun today too. It is nice having someone my age who understands where I'm coming from on so many high school frustrations. Like people who read bad literature, and people who get drunk every night. Its also nice to have someone to talk about Christianity with and not feel inferior. Coming from the same religious background helps enormously. I faced my fears and went into Mayhem today. The comic book store on Lincoln Way. The nerds hate me and I went in there, being all brave and stuff. I wish I was brave in other aspects of my life. I wish Cody wasn't so right all the time. About me being too nice and how its stupid I don't stand up for myself. I truly feel like Bryan and Cody are the only people who look out for me and want the best for me. And I'm not saying that to be passive aggressive. But the two most honest people in my life are honest because they're sick of me being upset. I'm freaking out about Bryan going to Minnesota. I'm glad Code will be in Ames this year though. Even if he's being stupid and anti-social, it'll be helpful.

I bought a prepaid phone so that I can text again. Social anxiety outlet!

To look into my heart was to look into hell

2007-08-04T00:20:00.000-06:00

hahah, i love my life and love my friendssssssssssssssssss
genya adventures and ames/nick adventures r00l!

You tell me what to say, and when to say it. You tell me what to do, and how to do it.

2007-08-01T14:03:00.000-06:00

Probably the best week ever. Get ready. Thats only Monday.

Oh, and P frickin S:
If one more person tells me not to dye my hair and criticizes my choices, I think I'm going to snap. Stay out of my life and my choices, because I can and will make my own decisions. I'm seventeen, I've been dying my hair since the seventh grade. I'm pretty sure I'm more experienced with it that anyone who has told me how bad it is for my STILL HEALTHY hair. I don't understand why my choices are actually supposed to be everyone elses. I just wish people would leave me alone and not tell me who to hang out with, or what to wear, or what to listen to, or how to dye MY fuggin hair. I like the music I listen to, I like the people I hang out with, I like the clothes I wear. Just because its not what you like, or who you like, doesn't mean I don't. I'm so frustrated I just want to get out of here.

...oops. angry rant

A cat is just a cat.

2007-07-29T02:54:00.000-06:00

It is four am.

Histories

2007-07-28T11:55:00.000-06:00

It's coming to a head. Tensions are building up inside, crashing towards an ugly end. I can't think straight and my mind is shut when I'm in this state. I'm just a kid with a key hole heart, locked up and shut down by hate. Sometimes love is not enough to clear my clouded head. Mind like fist, closed and violent. Hands knuckled white, twisting emotions against themselves, stealing form my life. Anger is a loyal companion, it won't leave me alone. We walk the streets together at night, a faithful friend like a thorn in my side. Sometimes love is not enough to clear my clouded heart, strangled by a mistrust. Sometimes love is not enough. I'm trying to sort through the way I feel and getting nowhere quick. This chip on my shoulder feels more like a ten pound brick. You want to know what's smashing through my mind? Well, take a number and get in line. I'm being pulled in two difference directions: love and hate, getting confused inside.

I wish I wrote that.
Thanks Go It Alone for the life story

What makes us strong

2007-07-27T01:55:00.000-06:00

My life is so sweet. Stayin up all night, havin good talks with good dude friends, realizing who really means most to me, sittin in my star wars underwear, discussin politics, facebooking aimlessly, driving to ames daily, eatin Jimmy Johns everyday, only listening to Bane, Modern Life Is War, Go It Alone, Ceremony, and Give Up The Ghost, lovin my kitten.

"I can't sleep while she's lovin me!"

2007-07-19T00:23:00.001-06:00

Controvery. Scandal. Pre-marital sex.
Seriously, I have my opinions on it, and I'm strong on them. I believe that pre-marital sex is stupid and wrong. You can start with the biblical reasons.
Acts 15:29
You are to abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality. You will do well to avoid these things. Farewell.
Romans 1:24
Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.
1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.
Hebrews 13:4
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

And it goes on...and on...and on.
I don't think that if you are ready/have committed yourself to a person, that you are ready to sleep with them. I see it all too often that there are relationships that are ridiculously pointless, and you wonder why someone puts up with that kind of stuff. And then, you find out they're having sex. Attachment. If I'm so attached to someone that I can't break up with them no matter what, I don't want it to be over something physical. And to get married, and know that someone has already been doing whatever they want with someone else, or anyone else, that'd break my little heart. It just isn't fair to the people you're actually going to be with for the rest of your life, in my opinion.

Somewhere, somehow, everything has changed

2007-07-05T18:26:00.000-06:00

"I wish that I could spread my arms so wide that I could wrap them around everyone I've ever known and loved. Protect them from the crashing waves. The storms that will take us all one at a time. The unheard goodbyes that we are never ready to whisper. Turning once strong men into lost little boys, standing well dressed staring into six-foot holes"

Brand New? As Cities Burn? Rilo Kiley?

BANE.

I don't think people give the music I listen to enough credit.

I think I'll leave it at that.
Before I insult Dave Matthews and Dierks Bentley and make myself out to be the total hypocrit I am.

If only time flew like a dove

2007-06-27T09:40:00.000-06:00

A wedding and therapy session. Yikes. Talk about an emotional week. I went to Pella with Kayla and we went to THE cutest wedding ever. It was a friend of hers from high school, and I swear, although I didn't know anyone there I wanted to cry. Weddings are so cute. I love seeing people in love, but I couldn't help but think about divorce. That sounds so bad, and I'm not saying anything about the people in this particular wedding. It reminds me of that Paramore line: "I've seen love die, way too many times, when it deserved to be alive". True that Haley Williams. I bet my parents were happy at their wedding. So what happened then? What happened to "love never fails"? It is a scary and controversial topic. I'm taking a risk here, but I'm not sure that anyone in high school has the mental capacity to know what "love" is. I just don't see how it is possible. That is just my opinion, but nothing has changed my mind. But I guess I can't talk about what I'm unexperienced in. Someone prove me wrong, and show me a high school relationship that I can't argue against being love. I know I have NO right to say who loves who and stuff, but when signs are there, I'll see em and call em.
I went in for my last medicine check yesterday. I decided that therapy and medicine are not working for me, and I need to figure my life out myself. I don't want to be on 300mg of an anti-depressant. Age 17 shouldn't hold so many struggles. My doctor said that he is concerned that I show so many apathetic signs. I'm sorry, but there are things I just don't care about. He also said that my emotional state is very "fragile and easy to break". Kaboom. Atomic bomb right there. That is the last thing I'd ever like to hear about myself. I'd rather be called a whore or something. But what Dr. said is too true, and scares me. I want to be a strong person. I want to not have so many ups and downs. But no one wants to be called fragile. In my mind he might as well be calling me so many worse things.
So yeah, it was an emotional few days.
Good days, but emotional.

Ps: Pressure by Paramore is one of my all time favorite songs.

Explain to me, this conspiracy against me

2007-06-17T11:15:00.000-06:00

Bryan won't watch Bambi with me. And I just remembered how cute bunny rabbits are. I want a big lot with 15,00 bunnies running around and enjoying themselves.

Some days, they last longer than others

2007-06-13T23:49:00.001-06:00

I'm only excited to see two people when I get home. That is majorly depressing. If it weren't for them I'd probably just stay out here all summer. Screw senior pictures, screw Iowa shitty hardcore shows, screw humidity.

"tinted windows don't mean nothin, they know who is inside!"

2007-06-07T10:47:00.000-06:00

We all know the weird turn of events my life has taken over the past two weeks. Well, yeah, about that. I'm in California right now and as much as I hate it, I'm really glad I'm here. I feel like things with my friends are nosediving, and I'm really glad to be able just to get out of the situation. Most likely, it is my fault though. But what good are friends when all they do is make you feel bad about yourself and your life. My best friend tells me the stupid choices I make, and gives me advice, but when I don't take it, I don't get called an idiot. I don't get made fun of and called a slut, because most people would make the same choices as I do. It really isn't enjoyable having the people you care about most making you doubt yourself constantly. But I guess I'm too sensitive. I've started reading Mein Kampf. I picked it up just to make myself more cultured, you know? Plus, I think the author is brilliant. And no neo-nazi jokes please, because just because someone is smart doesn't mean you agree with them. I don't agree with Hitler for the main things he is known for. But to take such a crappy idea and convince so many people of it, it takes a lot of intellect. So why can't I do that? I want to learn how to be so persuasive, because I know in my heart that my opinions are not to cause mass genocide. Haha, in fact, if I could persuade people of anything, it would be to end genocide. There is a good quote in the book though: "retain the essential, forget the non-essential". Now, coming from the mouth of Adolf Hitler, it sounds a little harsh. But in any situation it is very true.

In other news, new Rocket Summer soon!

"Some things won't end up your way, but in the end they'll turn out okay!"

2007-06-01T21:52:00.000-06:00

I have two easy finals on Monday, so I am considering school out. It is eleven o'clock on a Friday night, one of my first nights of summer. And I'm at home. I've been home for a half hour. Tonight did not go so well. This whole recluse thing I talked about didn't really happen, but it should. I just want to sleep for three months and wake up when the school year starts again. I'm so sick of people screwing with my emotions over and over and over again. It isn't fair to me, and I'm not strong enough to handle it. I had an acquaintance sit and pull me out of my almost disconsolated state. It was really nice. I just want things to be the way they were last week. Not complicated, and hidden from me. I really don't appreciate my friends keeping things from me, even if they know it'll hurt me. But whatever, whats done is done. And all I can think about is how there is nothing to do in Des Moines and I want to sleep for a long long time.

because I make things hard and you're just trying to help.

2007-05-30T07:39:00.001-06:00

This week I think I might just become totally reclusive and listen to nothing but Rufus Wainwright
I dig myself into holes, and I've got a mighty good one to fall into now. I had a nice talk with two friends last night and they gave me great advice. Yet, I can't follow it because I have no courage. None, nada, zip, zilch. So here I am, sitting in the school library with my World Peace Chai just hoping for some inner peace instead.

Once I find a working scanner I'll have about 10000000 pictures to add to this. Yeah, whatever.

Not sorry, not sorry, not sorry, not sorry.

2007-05-20T12:07:00.000-06:00

These are my girls. I have so much history with both of them. Good, and plenty of bad. We hated each other a few months back. Forget that. We grew up, got over it, and now everything is back to the way it should be. Yesterday we took a road trip to Ames. It was quite possibly the weirdest evening of the past few months. Between boys, Dave Matthews Band, and Facebook notes, there was plenty of conflict. I don't understand how we always pick the wrong boys. Whether it be that they are just plain stupid, or that there is just no possible way we could ever date them, due to circumstances beyond our control. And how we always have to have at least one major let down each. I don't get it. We are cute girls. We are catty and sassy, and have eye conversations, but other than that, we're nice kids.

Look at this girl. We get called twins by almost every new person we meet. We both have a Jewish nose, and a love for vegetarianism. I think she deserves the best of the best. So suck on that.

I love her no matter what. She can be cute and sweet, or bitchy and harsh. AND ITS AWESOME. She never realizes when she is so blatantly obvious about her emotions, and its always a good time to point them out. That little fight we had a few months ago, hilarious.

I love them.

And I'm sorry I put myself through hell, like you didn't have anyone else to tell.

2007-05-19T13:07:00.000-06:00

I dyed my hair.

Mama didn't raise no fool.

2007-05-17T23:24:00.000-06:00

I hate feeling like my friends ignore me and have forgotten about me. The people this year I never thought would abandon me.

I like how my friends change with the seasons. Except not.

dresses, J.D. Salinger, Sylvia Plath, Charles Bukowski, sass, The Lifestyle, Maddie, Amanda, Pom, Bane, Genya, Cody, green tea...

my life.

You may be big but our bodyguard is bigger!

2007-05-12T03:56:00.000-06:00

It's been a good couple of weeks. I love these people + some and its more than they will ever know. My friends mean the world to me.

I've got friends who will help me pull through.

2007-05-06T22:41:00.000-06:00

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends.

John 15:13

Today should have been a really bad day. Luckily, I have friends who actually care. I can't wait for summer.

So yeah, if your name is Maddie, Kayla , Matt, Amanda, Kat, Genya, Cody Josh, Clark, Mackenzie, , Emily, or Mitch, I love you to death.

Only

Tell me that a word like "unity" is not just ink spilled on the page

2007-04-30T23:59:00.000-06:00

The thing about high school is that it is all bullshit. Every second of every day is complete and total bull. The stuff you learn in classes is not what will help you, and we all know that. I know that there are more important things for me to be doing than trigonometry or AP Chemistry. I know that even though I have had a bad teacher experience this year, writing and reading is what I live for. I get so lonely, and the people created on pages always seem to get it. I take that for granted a lot. Holden Caulfield from The Catcher In The Rye and the person Charles Bukowski creates himself to be are essentially the type of person I think of myself as. Aside from their actions though, the thoughts and emotions I see so clearly and feel connected to. I can count the number of people who I have understood and they have understood me on a half a hand. This whole Chuck Palahniuk thing is sort of over my head. I'm not sure if he is just hyped up too much, or if I just don't like his style. That tears me apart every time I pick up Diary. I wish I had a neutral opinion on the guy, but I don't, and it's a crappy thought that I might be missing out. This whole Perks thing needs to be put to rest as well. I loved that book with 50000% of my heart, and then I read Catcher. I think Perks is just written as an updated version, with drugs and language to make it more relatable. Catcher has stood the test of generations and generations, and I still feel the same way Holden does. I do have to admit that Chbotsky probably wrote better than Salinger, but it still doesn't balance anything out. Charles Bukowski as always resides as an alter ego. I find comfort in the fact that although he had success as a writer and had plenty of sex and women in and out of his life, he was real. He was raw and blunt and didn't really care how politically correct he was. His tombstone reads "don't try" and he often speaks about how lazy he is. However, he left his phone number listed in the phone book. Getting fan calls to your house doesn't sound that great of a deal, but he was lonely to the point where he needed interaction. I think that makes him so more real and I completely understand that. I like people with the same warped logic as I and I easily find it in Bukowski. The same with Sylvia Plath. The Bell Jar just proves the fact that she thought it was completely logical to put her head in an oven.
I think through prose we can see a person for who they really are. You can see the vulnerabilities and subconscious thoughts. You can see them reflected through their fiction and you can see the fiction and shame reflected through their truth. I think I'd like to make people understand who I am. I'd like them to understand what I stand for, why, and how I will enforce it. I would like to be able to convey myself on a page and have someone pick it up and know the same feeling. That is the best feeling for me. Feeling so alone until someone writes something that you're convinced is about you. And maybe there are kids out there like me who just need to get out of the confines of their high schools and out of the structure and pressure Americans put on each other to work cubicle jobs and wear a suit to work. I'm sorry, but an accountant is not going to leave a mark on the world. However, a writer could.

Never back down, never give in.

2007-04-26T12:02:00.000-06:00

It's time to stand your ground. The time is now. Don't be another victim. Take back what's yours. Stay true to your convictions.

Yeah thanks Throwdown.

I turned seventeen on Tuesday. My mom made some lame joke about how old I looked. I didn't laugh. Nothing is going to change overnight just because I'm older. I can honestly say that was the most pathetic day of my life. I decided that I needed pity and attention. I didn't tell anyone about my birthday. Nobody remembered. I have no right to be mad about that. I didn't tell anyone, I tried to completely avoid the topic. My friends came over and made my birthday worth it. I am the lamest person ever. Who in their right mind does that? No one. Good thing I'm never in my right mind. I realized that some of the best memories I have are with people who don't really mean that much to me. People you'd consider aquaintances maybe.

I wonder why I let people screw me over so much. Why I let people mess with my head and my emotions and make me absolutely miserable because they can't make up their mind. Why when I finally figure out what I want, or don't want, I can't stick with it. Why I rarely confront people. I mean, it would probably be helping them. You know, character development and stuff. But I just don't want to be mean. Which is the weird thing. Because I can be so malicious and rude sometimes. So why not stick with one or the other. I mean obviously I'd rather be nice all the time, but I have my bitterness. I also wonder why I screw people over so much. Why I mess things up with friendships for no reason. Friends are in and out of my life so quickly it seems. I have steady friends now, but I just get scared I'll screw things up with them too. I seem to not have the ability to not screw up any sort of relationship I have. Friends, boys, family. I just need to stop. I need to breathe and figure it out. I need consistancy and appreciation. Although I do not always deserve appreciation. It happens you know?

Prom is in a couple weeks.
Awsome. Really frickin awesome. Except not at all.

I've got friends who, who will help me pull through.

2007-04-25T07:01:00.000-06:00

I love my friends.

I love being appreciated.

I love As Cities Burn.

I love birthday cake.

I love two bottles of POM.

I love not having to say I'm sixteen anymore.

April 25, 2007

Iowa City, IA
@ The Picador

As Cities Burn, Cool Hand Luke, Olympia

Waterloo, IA
@ Pepsi Pavillion Hatebreed, God Forbid, Terror, Evergreen Terrace, and more...

May 4, 2007

St Paul, MN
@ Myth

Killswitch Engage, DragonForce, Chimaira, He Is Legend

( holy crap!!!!!)

May 17, 2007

Omaha, NE
@ Sokol Underground

Hellogoodbye, Boys Like Girls, The Rocket Summer

June 21, 2007

Omaha, NE
@ Sokol Auditorium

Deftones, Dir En Gray, Fall Of Troy

August 30, 2007

Omaha, NE
@ Sokol Underground

Comeback Kid, Silverstein

this summer is going to be good.

Run DMC is the king of the swing!

2007-04-24T12:11:00.000-06:00

I really really realllllly want these:

AND

those are fakes though.
but yeah
D&G pants and Run DMC shoes
:)

Hey hey, smoke weed everyday.

2007-04-20T07:37:00.000-06:00

So, it's really sweet how some stupid sophomore who needs attention threatened to kill 38+ people. I mean, he had a specific list of thirty eight kids. Sweet how since he has had a past of "mental instability" we should feel sorry for him. That is absolutely no excuse. I know a handful of "mentally instable" people, including myelf, and none of them would ever kill one person. I think it is bullshit how although there were supposedly other kids involved, we still have school today. I think it is bullshit how my parents weren't going to make me go, but now they suddenly decided that I'm old enough to face a gunman. I'm pretty sure age has nothing to do with it. If a kid walks into my school with a gun pointed at my face I don't think that because I'm old enough I'd live. Just a thought. I also think it's bullshit how we have "security" today, yet no police. Only our regular "cops". Don't worry, I feel so safe and protected. They're ninety and don't actually do anything at all. I feel so safe, sitting in my econ class, the seat farthest away from the door. Don't worry, the windows aren't breakable and it's a two story drop anyway. Oh, and there's only one door. Hehe, sounds like a game at the fair to me! See how many econ students you can kill because the school cops do nothing and the administration deemed it safe to come to school on a day where our lives are threatened. I think it's bullshit how when I told my mom my life was threatened she said "whatever. you weren't on the list. stop being overdramatic. shut up." Oh really? Because since some of those kids are in my classes, if I am sitting in there and he just starts randomly shooting at us, my life isn't in danger in any way. The bullets will BEND around me just to kill those 38 kids. Sweet how its 4/20 and I feel like getting high. I'm so stressed out and I really really don't want to be at this place.

heheheheheheheh! anyone else find this as hilarious as I do!?

YEAH. ME NEITHER.

The Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes

2007-04-13T07:37:00.000-06:00

So I was looking at Val-Air Ballroom's upcoming concerts and some things struck me as funny.

1. LAZERfest 2007
Featuring Hinder; Buckcherry; Papa Roach; Saliva; Fuel; Facecage; Index Case

-okay. I don't even think this needs any explanation.
Lazer has collected the grossest bands they could possibly find. Hinder? Saliva? Seriously. Add Nickelback to that lineup and you'll have all the bad rock genre covered. Except Nickelback fans don't wear bondage. They'd probably get beat up by all the "metal" kids in their Slipknot shirts and mesh. Okay, enough rippin on these kids. I'm sure hardcore is just as bad...except not.

2. SOLD OUT - The Killers

-Hahahahaha. The Killers. Sold Out. I think that is hilarious. I'm not sure if I'd consider them sellouts necessarily, but come on. Look at the drastic change in their image from Hot Fuss to Sam's Town. Brandon Flowers seems like he has an ego as big as their record sales. He's said bands were riding on the coattails of The Killers, that their new album would be the best album of the past twenty years, and that it was cheap for Green Day to have their DVD in England because the kids there didn't know what it meant. He said that The Killers were a much better symbol of America. Mind you they moved to England to get signed. He also got pissed off that Fall Out Boy was getting huge (not Patrick, the band's success) and said that they were hogging the mutual A&R rep. I'm sorry, but that is so much like Panic! At The Disco (love that band dearly, even after all their bullshit). Have your first album out and expect to outsale a band who has been around for YEARS. Fall Out Boy had a split Ep with Project Rocket, FOB's Evening Out With Your Girlfriend, Take This To Your Grave (by far the best album put out by them. Probably one of the best albums in the past seven years) and then they struck it big with mainstream and not so great From Under The Cork Tree. And The Killers? They released Hot Fuss and made, well, quite a fuss about it. I also don't mean to rip on The Killers. I like Hot Fuss and all. But Flower's attitude pisses me off. Hahaha at FOB who were going to name a song "You Can't Spell STAR Without A&R" HAHAHA. just saying.

You can blame me for everything

2007-04-10T07:57:00.000-06:00

When it comes to school, I will admit one thing: If I spent as much time doing homework as I do complaining about school I'd be a straight A student. But, I'm a whiner, and school sucks.

Besides that, The Almost album is addicting.

I'd have to say my favorite songs on it are Stop It! and Amazing Because It Is.
Myspace
do it, please.
Cara says it's cute and adorable. Hahah

Speaking of MySpace
...I caved like the Twin Towers
I suck, I know.
And I just made a really bad simile. Really really politically incorrect. Whatever, I'll live. Dubya isn't gonna come to my house and tell me to stop comparing a networking site to a national crisis.

That's what I say to you mister Bush.

Bryce Avary is the future of this country.
B. Avary 4 pr3z

Cause the truth you know is that I have just been hating so many things that I do

2007-04-09T09:32:00.000-06:00

"It can be a challenge walking in the world and keeping everything balanced, but I'm trying my hardest to be a light in the darkness."

"So let me get this straight/Cause I have a question/You’re saying he’d listen if I were to speak/Yes that’s what I’m saying, in fact I was just thinking/He’s probably thinking of asking you the same very thing/He wants to say “you’re okay, be my friend/Let me help you and take you out of this lake that you are clearly drowning in/Make me yours and I’ll make your mine”

Truth.

And if I lived until I was 102...

2007-04-06T23:56:00.000-06:00

That was a fun day.
I'm graduating before second semester next year.
See ya Valley.

everything it seems i like's a little bit sweeter, a little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me.

2007-04-06T07:53:00.000-06:00

So, if there is one thing I'm sick of, it's people who think they know everything. People who even though they are in no way involved in a situation think they have the right to talk about it knowingly. People who jump in the middle of a conversation when they have zero previous knowledge. People who say things that supposedly people have said, even though they don't really know the person at all. Especially when it is so incredibly unlike something the person would say. Can you say BUTT OUT? Yeah, I guess not. Bullshit I say. I think most people will know what situation people are getting involved in, but I really don't want to discuss it. I think if you know, you know, and there is no point in BLOGGING about it of all things. I have to say though. Matt and Maddie have been the most amazing friends this week. Haha, Mattie and Maddie. Sweet! I've also been BFFs with The Last Kiss soundtrack. Especially Chocolate (Snow Patrol), Star Mile (Joshua Radin), El Salvador (Athlete), Reason Why (Rachel Yamagata), and especially Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk (Rufus Wainwright). All amazing songs.

So I thought of two things.
People need to stop metal-ing in my business.
Yes, I know its meddling.

L0L GIT 0UTT@ MY BU$IN3$$ DR@G0NF0RC3!!!!
...HAAAAAAAAA OKAY.

I also made a nice Mad Lib today.
I guess I channel my anger very creatively.
Here, use it on your friends!

Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha
Ha, ha-ha, ha
Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha
Ha, ha-ha, ha

[Will.I.Am]
It's funny how a man only thinks about the__________(verb)
You got a real big heart, but I'm looking at your________(noun)
You got real big brains, but I'm looking at your_________(noun)
Girl, there ain't no pain in me looking at your_________(noun)

[PCD]
I don't give a_______(verb)
Keep looking at my_________(noun)
Cause, it don't mean a thing if you're looking at my__________(noun)
Ha, I'm a do my thing while you're playing with your_________(noun)
Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha

sw33t m@d l1bz 1 kn03.
I'll like, probably, like, post, like, the best, like, pussy cat libs. I mean Mad Libs.

Omggggggggg. Anger channeling is st00000pid.
I'm going to take Plant Science next year.
Just so I can have that one cute teacher who I don't want googling his name and my blog coming up on his search...... Oh baby oh baby.

All my friends got flowers in their eyes, but I got none this season.

2007-04-03T07:32:00.000-06:00

I love Zach Braff so much.

"I met Donald Trump today. It was odd because I’ve never met a person while holding a bobble-head doll of them. By coincidence, someone had just given it to me. If you ever get the opportunity to meet a person while holding a bobble-head doll of them, you too will notice it is an odd feeling that is better felt than described. He was nice. I told him that I am a big fan of his show. I don’t watch tons of reality TV, but there’s something about that guy… I don’t know- he makes me laugh. And in an odd/superficial way you do learn a little about big business."

Ew
That woman hasn't washed her hair in 11 years. She's wearing a poncho like thing, thus making her a hippy. I'm sure she doesn't like eating animals and smokes lots of dope. Her hair looks really dry and dead to me. Natural oil also damages your hair. Duh. Every four days isn't so bad. But eleven years? And actually that article is two years old, which makes it 13 years. I think she does it for attention personally. Who in their right mind is too lazy to wash their hair, ever? I think it is pathetic and lazy not to have actual hygiene. Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross.

Save me I am swallowed by the guilt of this

2007-03-31T13:32:00.000-06:00

these are seriously my favorite things in the world
when i'm pms-ing i crave chicken nuggets like none other.
when i eat these, i'm no longer crabby.
i'd say its a fair trade.

I've decided I also really like my job.
In case you don't know, I'm a telemarketer for State Farm
It's not the most exciting job, but I get paid really really well.
I work with my best friend and we steal fruit snacks from the cupboards, write on rubber bands, and take 20 minute breaks whenever we feel like it.

best job ever

Make this moment last like the deepest sleep you never wanted to leave

2007-03-20T19:01:00.000-06:00

a day in the life of lindsey marie adler

"I miss you thiiiiiiiiiis much!"

Don't give up. You're stronger than you know.

2007-03-13T07:06:00.000-06:00

The internet says that Seasonal Depression is rare. I have hypochondriaced out and decided I have something along the lines of that. Yesterday I got in my car and it was so nice outside. And I had a tank top on and the sunroof back and The Rocket Summer on. And it felt like the summer, which was depressing in itself, seeing as we still have like nine weeks left of school, but I remembered how I felt this summer. I seriously felt like I loved everything and everything loved me. I had my Pom juice and Pom tea and my Maylene show. Despite my increasingly bad home life last night went incredibly well for me. One of my favorite bands for over a year and I finally saw them. And Breianna Jessica and Shannon and I were the #1 creeps of the night. It's okay. Dallas Taylor is our BFF. We seriously missed Haste The Day to go talk to D-Tay for an hour. And it was awesome because he kept coming up to us, and he is the least intimidating person ever. I'm really glad that we talked to him, because when I got home things weren't so peachy. But I don't really care. I have other things to think about, good things I mean. I love POM juice and the sun.

I just got a message that said "hey Hell has frozen over"

2007-03-02T12:03:00.000-06:00

I despise snow. I despise it with every bone in my body. So when I get snowed in my house I'm not too happy. Instead of taking my cabin fever out on anyone I decided to attack the problem itself. The snow. So today on my snow day, where I'm not allowed to drive anywhere, I went outside to throw snow around. You know, punching bag white stuff style. Ha, so I was outside all bundled up...

...and headed outside.
I jumped off a lot of things. It was pretty funny just to stick into the ground like that. I jumped off sheds, which got me called psychotic, but whatever. I forgot about my fear of heights for a good five minutes. sweeeeeeeeet! Then I saw it. It was a snow drift. My neighbor's front yard has a fierce hill, and all the snow had just blown straight. My dream came true. I made a snow fort. Its pretty much the best thing of my life. Its all toasty and warm in there. And I made it to basically fit me. So it's mine! MINE. hahah. My own house! Don't worry. I know how sweet that makes me seem. I'm just an (almost) 17 year old girl lookin for a good time! haha, in the non dirtiest way ever.

MatthewGardiner2: Ok you're a little crazy

2007-02-25T20:25:00.000-06:00

I always try to find who I am. Or at least find some sort of reality about myself. Well, thanks to Matt and a lot of alone time this weekend I've come to some conclusions. I am completely happy. Shock, I know. Since I think so negatively and am always complaining. But at the end of the day if I sit down and think about my life, I don't really regret any of it. And it's not just being regret free, it's that I feel like I've made good choices. I end my day with my prayers and a hint of optimism. I'm at a point where I'm kind of losing my belief in everything. Nothing I knew two months ago is the same as it is now. Before I sound too atheistic, let me clarify. Everything except for my faith in Christ. The one thing that I believe more and more in every day. Thats obviously why I'm happy. Because He is the only one who matters anyway. So when I'm sad and whining about how bad my life is, it's all useless. Matt has also deducted that if my life were a picture it'd look like this: me sitting in a lawn chair watching his life go by and me getting mad at Bryan for not giving me enough attention. Hahahahaha, I can't even deny it. It's all so true. So typical of me. So wonderful, I've got to add that to the cat lady rep now. At least I have one good thing out of three to rely on. Even if Matt's life plummets back to the boring state of vegetation it used to be and I get over the attention thing and lose my cat. Not a bad way to live a life, eh?

they're building you up to tear you down.

2007-02-24T22:39:00.000-06:00

Kayla and I watched Clarissa Explains it All. There are, however some things she just can not explain. Mainly the things we don't understand. Oh well, we still love her. We also hate Zach Braff in The Last Kiss. That movie made me hate the entire male gender. I hate cheaters. I got a new kitten from Kayla. I named it Brycie, since its a girl. It was great timing. Yesterday Matt and I were talking and he said I'm going to end up alone at age 60 with lots of The Rocket Summer memorabilia. Kind of like a cat lady, but with Bryce instead. He said his girlfriend (wife at age 60 though ahha) would come over for dinner parties and it'd be them, me and a cardboard cutout. It's very true. So adopting a cat and naming it Bryce didn't really help that cat lady motif. Matt just finds it hilarious. Good to know my best friend cares so much. :) I'm starting to turn incredibly apathetic to a lot of things. I'm cynical, whiney and I frankly don't care. But there are definitely things that will bug me so much. Especially when people are so stupid and have no regards for other people's feelings. Especially when they definitely shouldn't be so dumb. I'm also to the point where I don't really trust again. Because once again, just as things start to look up, I find out a good friend tells people things that I tell her. Stupid little things that don't really matter. Which is the weird part, because I'd understand if I told her something important, but it's really not. So why spread it? So much for friendships eh? I'm really sick of being sick. I'm going on two weeks now. And it's getting worse everyday. I wish it was spring or summer. I'm starting to look forward to fall, because once again, I'm apathetic. Thats so vague and doesn't really make any sense, but a few close people should get it. You know, school starts, people leave. People get forgotten about. MMMMMMMM my favorite. In that movie today there was a really good quote. It goes like this: "What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you love. That's what matters. That's the only thing that counts." Life story.

Oh, and happy seven months to me.

Love ya like a fat kid loves cake!

2007-02-22T08:58:00.000-06:00

On Sunday Jon was talking about how us Christians need to share our stories. You know what I'm talking about. But he also said that it is kind of difficult to just come out and tell someone, especially when it hasn't come up in a conversation really. And I realized that I have so many great friends, but I don't know their story. And I have so many great friends, but they don't know my story. And I'll be honest, my story is awesome. So this is my invitation, over Blogger, for my friends to tell me whats up. And this is my asking, over Blogger, for my friends to let me tell them whats up. And then my little heart will be as happy as a caterpillar who has just turned into a butterfly. :)

I always do better when you're at the show

2007-02-19T22:07:00.000-06:00

This was a great weekend! yay! except the fact that I have no voice and didn't go to school today. I actually stayed home and watched Diff'rent Strokes. Mmmmm. Whatchu talkin about Lindsey!? fhdkslfjdsk. hahfdks. It felt weird to have a really good weekend after having quite a few bad ones. I'm just so negative. Sunday's show was awesome. Solidarity is sweet. I was glad to see them again, I liked them a lot with Stick To Your Guns. But being in Kayla's garage didn't exactly do wonders for my sore throat. And stupid asian zach got my car stuck in the snow. And it was super frustrating. But Bryan and I got into this HILARIOUS argument. It went something like: bryan-"are you mad at me?" me-"no. i thought you were mad at me" "no i'm just mad at the situation" "oh well i can't ever tell if you're pissed at me or the situation" "duh i'm obviously just frustrated with the situation" "yeah well you act the same way either way and it drives me crazy" "i'm a two beat timpani, i'm happy or mad." "yeah well it drives me crazy. you need to fix it" "i'm tellin ya, i'm a two beat timpani" "you suck and confuse me"

ahhaaaah that all took place in like thirty seconds which is the funniest part. and the volume got louder and louder with both of us trying to win. I thought kayla and Danielle were going to pee their pants it was so funny.

Oh so I signed up for this lost thing
doooo it
www.lost.eu/1fc07

and I miss bre. story of my life
.
cooooool ames life.
cooooool summer life.
cooooool keep and confess life.
cooooool water fight life.
cooooool prison cuddling (hahahfdhsklfjds)
cooooool last day of school life.
cooooool sophomore life.
cooooool zach life. (haha. thats how you sum up bre and i)

Cause you're there when you talk and you're there not to stop and you're with me around the clock

2007-02-14T20:21:00.000-06:00

I've come to realize I'm very cynical.

This year, I'm lightning up on ole Saint V.

I don't hate it! For one, I didn't have to go to the STUPID dance. I dislike school dances sometimes. Second, Matt and I went on a valentines shopping extravaganza adventure. Imagine this: my best friend, The Rocket Summer, and v-day gifts. Matt got his girlfriend a GIANT stuffed tiger, hahahahahahah. Today I fought with my parents so I was being a little piss-ant. But Bryan picked me up from school around 10 (I had three hours off in the middle of my day... suck) and luckily I was a little refreshed from my nap (AKA AP Chemistry). So that was a good like break in my day, and flowers never hurt! After school we went to Target and his brother got a Wii and then we went out to dinner with his parents.

For cereal, I didn't do too badly this year.

ALRIGHHHHHHHHHT.

We're going down with the ship!

2007-02-12T20:43:00.000-06:00

Two years later I have found a new favorite book. The Perks Of Being A Wallflower is replaced! By none other than The Catcher In The Rye. Same basis really, but Catcher is much more timeless. I feel odd that Holden Caulfield, a character from the 1940's can be so much like I am in the 2000's. Bad grades, lying to his parents, he's pretty much the love of my life. Although I say that about Bryce Avary, Jude Law, and probably many other people, he's on the list. And I'd say he's in good company. My Creative Writing 2 teacher (ugh) said that not many people like Catcher anymore and once again, I'm the lone soldier in that class. How many times do I have to be told I have a weird perspective, seriously! The feeling I get when realizing there are other people like me, and there have been for sixty years is very similar to the feeling of listening to After The Burial while doing homework. You just don't feel so alone and you kind of want to dance. And who doesn't like happiness and dancing!? I really hope most people have read Catcher, and I'm going to read Sidharrtha (or however you spell it) next, and my CW2 teacher says thats a good one for me, but what does she know. Yes, I'm a little angry about that class, hahah.

My pain is mine. It's become my friend with time. Chia-like, it grows.

2007-02-11T15:55:00.000-06:00

So having lunch with a friend today (who reads this), I managed to do two things. Destroy a good amount of cream cheese nervously poking it with a knife, and to hear things I didn't want to know but at the same time want to know. And it sucks, I hate a lot of things right now, and I'm nonstop listening to The Rocket Summer. But there are just some things I guess I have no control over. And no matter how much I try, how I do my hair, or how I spend my weekends it doesn't matter. Because people will act the way they want to, and I can't change that. I'm certainly not feeling 100% about things at the moment, but I'm not going to sit around and be sad. It just sucks. But I guess what happens happens, and I have to appreciate what I have.

well, thats the end of my non-specific not helpful rant.

edit:
Today I really love/need
-Ephesians
-Matt Gardiner
-sleep
-Catcher In The Rye

See you there one more time and going back

2007-02-09T13:23:00.000-06:00

I'm still pushing the organization I feel strongest about.
If you love me read this.
If you hate me read this.
If you're male read this
If you're female read this.
If you're Christian read this.
If you're "Aethiest" read this.
If you're in high school read this.
If you're in college read this.
If you're breathing and alive read this.

And if you listen to The Rocket Summer, listen to Christmas Present. Listen to it all the way through, all eleven minutes of it. And listen to the last two minutes, there is a couple minutes of silence before it. And that is the most powerful two minutes of the album.

Tell me, do they care?

2007-02-08T13:32:00.000-06:00

I started off this year thinking I was going to get along great with a certain teacher. She liked Bukowski, and thought I was a good writer. What else do I need right? Well, about 3/4 of the way through the first semester she caught me texting in class. One time. Oops, mistake, learned from it. Second semester rolls around and I'm suddenly on her hit list. Right before the semester ended I turned in a project I had been working on for an entire month. I had taken pictures to relate to a poem and I had put so much effort into it. She gave me a B- and told me to put effort in next time. I'm sorry if I'm not the best photographer in the world, or if I see things differently than other people. Strike one. I went in to turn in my first semester final, and got more than I bargained for. With Bryan and another student standing in the room, she told me that my workshopping comments are horrible and that I'm horrible at feedback...oh and that she liked my bangs. So instead of telling me in private where I STILL would have felt like a real idiot, she decided to embarass me in front of other people. Strike two. She accused me of texting in class when I was writing in my planner, and proceeded to make me stand up in front of the class to make sure my phone didn't fall out of my lap or anything. It didn't. Strike three. I turned in an assignment for class that I had written about things at Valley. I got 20 copies back today telling me revision ideas and such. I got a lot of "try not to make it sound so whiney" and things like that. Fine, point taken. But from my teacher I got "Who cares what the football player in period thre thinks or the person who asks a lot of questions thinks about your essay?" which was sarcasm about how I wrote this horribly, which was followed by "or the teacher who has no doubt bored you to tears and scolded you for texting, which is all you really like to do anyway?" Instead of just insulting my writing viciously, she insults me. Texting is not my life, and I'm pretty sure I'd pay more attention in her class if she didn't constantly pick on me for texting WHICH I DON'T DO. Strike four. Then, another student told me that she went in to talk to her and my teacher had mentioned my essay. She told her it was written poorly and stupid. Since when were teachers allowed to tell other students the quality of my work? Since when were they allowed to insult it and try to ridicule me in front of a class over and over again? Strike five.

I'm pretty pissed, and I'm starting to really hate writing, the one thing I like. Am I being ridiculous or is there something wrong with the way I'm being treated?

The plans we make will open graves with love.

2007-02-04T21:55:00.000-06:00

Well, I can happily say I had one good day this weekend. It started out all cranky, but now I feel great. I think I just needed to get my anger out little bit by little bit throughout the day. Thats how it goes I guess. MMM I just realized I have to go to Valley five times this week. See ya good mood. hahaha

Pack your bags, here it comes

2007-02-04T08:56:00.000-06:00

I haven't had a weekend this bad in a really long time. It has just been one of those weekends where you start to look into colleges across the pond, aka England. But of course, I had to be a failure for the past three years and I'm doubting I'll get any college admission, let alone a foreign country. I like the idea of this college: Canterbury Christ Church University in Chatham. It's by London, and my beloved Surrey. That'd be a nice place to spend four years.

Love is so direct, you're exactly what I've waited for.

2007-02-03T09:33:00.000-06:00

It's odd how one thing can be so different depending on the context. Confusing sentence, bear with me. Yesterday a kid in my AP Chem class bet that this girl could beat me up. She's not that big, I told him I could take her. They laughed. We decided to fight, and it was pretty funny. It was both of us not knowing how to fight at all and our teacher laughing at us. She picked me up and set me on the ground. I lost. Everyone laughed at me. I was obviously no threat at all. Hilarious. Kat and I went to Southwoods sixth period. The school I was at two years ago was completely locked down. Suddenly we were a big threat. We managed to get inside the even more prisonlike school, and headed to the office for a visitors pass. We were told we weren't allowed in the school at all and that we could come back after school was out. Students there, two years ago, and one year ago. And we were a threat? They have a big LCD monitor showing what doors are locked. Wow. And a camera pointed directly at the entrance to the school. What the heck. Stupidest thing ever. So in four hours I had gone from an easy target to a threat. Odd. It's the same thing as lonliness. Opting to be home alone instead of going to a social gathering where you know you'll be alone. I'd rather be home by myself and truly alone than with a bunch of people and still alone. (cue Jack's Mannequin) haha. I just thought yesterday was a big oxymoron for me. Maybe today will be better?

The mean thoughts and cheap shots, they will not weaken me.

2007-01-28T20:27:00.000-06:00

I think I'm starting to become confident. Not cocky, or even secure, but confident. At the oddest time of my life. The time where sometimes I feel so alone and so unsure about things. I can't find anyone to hang out with 9/10. Well, besides the people I usually do. And I love those people to death, but its an odd feeling. I lost my friends, did horribly in school, and fought with my parents more than ever. But somehow I became happier and more stable (well, that's my opinion). So how does that happen? I'll tell you how: you realize what is important. I know what I want to do in life, not exactly but I've got a general idea. I have good friends with the same morals and choices as me. They don't bring me down and I always have a great time. I stopped being so naive and realized that my family may suck, but I don't have to let it bring me down too. And most importantly I've realized that everything God does is really for a reason. I knew that in the first place, but I suddenly saw it applied to my life all over the place. So I know that if I do what I'm supposed to and I am the person I should be that things will work out. I don't let things make me upset and I have trust that everything will be okay. I'm starting to be able to walk into a room of people I don't know and not have a panic attack. If someone doesn't like me from the get go then that's not a problem. I'm not just having confidence in myself, but in everything. I have confidence that I can do better in school, that people aren't always out to get me, and that I can pull myself out of any situation. I guess that is still confidence in myself, but I meant outside appearances and things. Of course the appearance thing is still the least confident, but I'm not going to pull the pity card like I would have a year ago. I'm used to myself, and anything I don't like I can't change, physically. So why not change the personality glitches and choices I make. In the end, the things that have affected me haven't been fun. But as Amanda told me "if all this crap hadn't been going on you wouldn't be who you are today." So with that, I say boo and yah and head off to bed to get some sleep before another pointless week of school. (I still think school would be 10x funner if Jude Law was my teacher. omgggg)

Isolation is a four letter word

2007-01-27T21:53:00.000-06:00

Last night I had some pretty horrible dreams. Bryan cheated on me, I failed junior year and had to go to school again with all the sophomores (ick!), and other stuff. Well, what a fabulous feeling I had when I woke up. I asked Bryan if he ever felt like that after a bad dream and he gave me that "you're nuts" look and said no. So although Bryan's all knowing opinion isn't everyones, I'm starting to feel like I'm the only one who does that. I don't know what it was. But I was so angry today. Because of school and some girl who didn't have a face since she was a dream blur. hahaha. I think its a little bit ridiculous that because of eating cheese or something too close to bed my next day was ruined. If you don't get the cheese thing, watch How The West Was Won with Mary Kate and Ashley. :). So right about now I'm pretty angry at my mind. I'm in a good mood finally, but I'm so mad that unreal things hurt me so badly. But, one thing that never fails to cheer me up is Kayla Lewis. We're obviously really cool when we wake up! We sat on in Luke's basement and took like 839472 pictures last Saturday. Cool life!

And I'm sorry I sound glad, but why always be so sad!

2007-01-25T16:27:00.000-06:00

The past month was amazing.

And I walk alone tonight outside my house and outside my mind

2007-01-21T13:03:00.000-06:00

Shows quite frankly piss me off. I always seem to be in a bad mood at a show. I just hate the whole scenario. Sometimes I walk around outside to calm me down. Its nice when it's cold because then I'm forced to cheer up fast. Last night I went on a walk. But truly not because I was in a bad mood. Bryan had left his camera in my purse and I figured I'd go take pictures while he was watching some band. So I went outside and started wandering around the East Village. I'm not very smart to do this all the time, seeing as it was dark cold and I'm a 110 pound girl alone downtown. Smoooooth. But I've never been raped killed or kidnapped. So whatever! I was walking around trying to find good stuff to take pictures of. It was kind of hard since it was so dark out, and flash makes everything icky. So I ended up with a lot of neon and streetlight lit signs and parking meters. Taking a picture of the rainbow sign outside of the gay bar (hahah I took that one just so that Bryan would be reallllllly happy when he turned on his camera...hahahahah), I met a girl. She was walking around with a really nice digital SLR and taking pictures as well. Her name is Ashley and she works at Starbucks. Her brother got a camera and doesn't know how to use it and just has it to have one. She spent the past few days taking pictures in the skywalks. Friday she drove past the Historical Building and wanted to take pictures on the top of it, but her camera battery died just then. I'm not stalking this girl, I'll probably never see her again in my life. She's only been to House of Bricks once and seems a little Hot Topic. But just because we were both walking around taking pictures of gay bars and shoes on benches we were able to get a conversation going. It was so weird to me that I learned more about her in about ten minutes than I know about a lot of people I've known for years. I guess that's the way you make friends when you don't have to go to school. I went back inside and of course I was asked what was wrong. I'm obviously not very good at hiding my emotions and people have started to notice I go outside when I'm upset. After a little convincing I proved to them that I was in fact feeling fabulous. And that was that. The pictures I took weren't exactly good by any means. Maybe one of a parking meter with a blurry blood center in the backround was cool, but the others were below mediocre and looked like I was trying too hard. Which I was. But at the end of the night I ended up with a good parking meter picture, frostbite, a break from the smoky air, and a picture that Bryan continued to show off throughout the night. Of course it was of him, but whatever I took it. Hahahah, score. So I guess I shouldn't ever go into shows but rather wander around downtown. I have a feeling I'm going to spend a lot of time alone down there, it's super nice. I love downtown more than anything.

"We used to be pussweeds, but now we're metal!"

2007-01-17T21:21:00.000-06:00

There's something to be said about new starts. Two days into the new semester I feel fabulous. I have a free period, and I have a feeling that even if I don't do my homework in it, a break will be nice opposed to a class. I have a feeling that will help me out a lot. It also is great timing. Everything in my life is changing a lot, and I think starting new is exactly what I need. I'm starting to come to terms with why things are the way they are. I understand the reasons I'm friends with certain people, and not friends with certain. I understand why I make certain choices and I understand why God puts me in situations that may not be fun. After realizing all of this, I've realized I'm a spoiled brat and I'm slightly (okay, a lot) on the selfish side. And as much as I don't want to change, I need to at some point. My counselor says she thinks I think things through very well and put things together nicely. I am starting to be more optimistic and open minded and understanding. And I don't know why. All I know is the last few weeks of the last semester I was super stressed out. I had to take tests over material I hadn't learned at all. A whole semester of learning. And with things going on with friends, and future planning. Oy. And to top it off, my parents were all pissy with me, mainly because of my grades. But I still had it easy. I should have done my work from the beginning. I understand that. But I have a whole 180 days to do that now. To prove that I can accomplish something. If I don't have school stressing me out, everything is easier. I don't get so uptight and rude and I get along with my parents. Which is one less thing for me to complain about. So pretty much I'm super psyched for this semester. I'm psyched to get everything back on track. And to top it off, I'm seeing friends who I didn't see at all this summer or first semester. People who have been great friends for me since forever. And with the Pella show Friday, and the HOB show Saturday, this weekend is booked and I'm ready!

Again and again, civilization wraps her hands around the neck of nature with a ceaseless grasp we choke.

2007-01-15T11:39:00.000-06:00

So here's my angry rant at the government. Okay, well maybe not the government, but the human services people. Pretty much the jerks (restraining my language a lot there) who drive around with their stupid snow shovels on the front of their trucks. See I was outside shoveling my driveway. And I actually like doing it. I got out of chores for the day for it, and I got to go play in the snow. I loved not having school and having a place to think and freeze my butt off. I was just perfectly content. Then, the stupid jerks pulled up and thought they would help me. It turned out to be one of those things where someone tries to help you, but just makes you so mad you want to throw your snow shovel at them. They shoveled my driveway for me and while that is a great thing to most people, I wanted to pop their tires and ruin their day too. So now I'm stuck doing chores again on my day off, and my snow is dirty. Dirty, icy, and piled up. I tried to stop them, but they just told me to move. I was trying to pull one of those stand in front of the thing you don't want destroyed moves. But when a giant snow shovel is coming toward you you tend to move. I hate those jerks and I want to call the city and complain about them. I'm pretty sure that's called trespassing and they should go to jail. Yes, I'm this angry over my stupid driveway. And all my mom can say is "oh my gosh! who is that!?!" THEY'RE NOT GOING TO KILL YOU MOM. JUST RUIN MY DAY. As you can see I kind of hate them right now. And the next time I see one of their stupid trucks I'm going to throw a snowball at it. Jerks.

Keep it locked up inside like a secret you can't refuse

2007-01-14T22:20:00.000-06:00

Those are my Mukluks. They do absolutely nothing but match a rare outfit or two. I wore them yesterday, thinking "Oh, I wore them in a Minnesota semi-blizzard, I can wear them here!" I neglected to realize that in Minnesota I wore them outside maybe three times. Well, by the end of the night my feet were soaked and I was wearing Bryan's socks and Converses. They're something like this:

only red instead of black. So I looked ridiculous no matter which way you spun it. I don't know how much I like looking ridiculous. I love the mukluks, I love the price (8.99!!!), I love the comfort, but I hate the discomfort of having my feet soaking wet. I've come to a big fork in the road. One way points to love for the shoes, the other points to sticking with size 10 Converses and ballet flats. I just don't know what to do. I have a feeling all of this is caused from the subliminal torture of my soul caused by The Lifestyle breaking up. The band I've loved since ninth grade that I make fun of constantly so that people don't know I love them. Gone. Forever. And ever. I don't know what to do, but cry. Cry and wear mukluks.

What is my life coming to.

Creative Writing final.

2007-01-11T09:36:00.000-06:00

Final reflection

“Sometimes you walk the line, and sometimes the line walks you.” I think that definitely describes my struggle with writing. I realized that there are some things I’m good at and some I’m just plain terrible at. I just have to deal with it and go with what I know. Over the semester I feel I improved at writing significantly. It might have been the fact that I got new ideas for how to write and what to write. Or it could have been the simple fact that I had a chance to actually write regularly. I realized what types of writing I enjoy, and which ones I’m bad at. I discovered what made me write well, and I also had a wonderful case of writers block for about two to three weeks. I feel like I lived a lifetime of a writer through a semester. Struggling, critiques, hating my own writing, writers block, and occasionally feeling good about what I’ve written.

One thing I don’t feel too fabulous about still is my short story. I chose my story “More Adventurous” just for the simple fact that it was the story I spent the most time on. I struggled with finding ideas and putting them onto paper. I think after a lot of work it came out adequate, but nothing I’d really show off. Stuff like “Being Jenny wasn’t as fun as knowing Jenny.” told more than showing, but I couldn’t seem to figure out how to show that. I think the main idea of the story is good, like if I heard about what it was I’d like it, but after reading it I’d chance my mind drastically. I wish I would have elaborated more on the last two paragraphs. That is where she is actually shown changing and that’s the turning point of the story. I condensed it all into two paragraphs that kind of resembled the “wrap-up” dialogue at the end of movies. You know, so and so went on to do this and this and this. Great for a movie, bad for a story. Re-reading it now, I actually despise this story, but none of my other stories were anywhere near decent, so when your best story is something you hate I guess you realize that short stories just aren’t your thing.

On a less harsh note, I think I used good choices of words when I was doing all that telling. “By the end of the week she had figured out why General Hospital was better than Days of Our Lives.” I like that line, soap operas are known to be entertainment for bored sick kids, and bored mothers. I also think everyone knows a Jenny. The character itself was relatable, everyone knows the person who is so perfect but so alone at the same time. At age sixteen or seventeen, not many teenage girls get along well with parents, so although Jenny was older than that, that was something I think people would connect with. I really like the random “On a cold Thursday in March,” it seems like I was trying to seem all formal and very Plath like. Although the sentence itself is sort of one of those types of “nature crap” I dislike, the fact that I wrote it makes me laugh at myself, and like my variety of writing a little more. Of course when I say like my variety, I mean laugh at the random things I will throw into one story. I also really liked the title I picked. At first you’d think Jenny was adventurous and living life on the “edge” or whatever mature people say. But then you realize that it will take more courage for Jenny to stop destroying her own life, and that makes her much “More Adventurous.” I also learned over this semester that punctuation goes within the quotation marks. I just thought I’d make that clear after thinking about where it goes so many times in this monster of a paragraph.

As far as my poetry goes, I like this a little more. Most of it I struggled with, and didn’t do well with. Right before my writer’s block I wrote three I liked a lot. I liked the one about water, I think I got that from seeing some of my friends get really drunk and be stupid, I then valued water a lot more. The one about my friend’s mom dying, when Taylor told me that story, it was basically a poem in itself. I managed to make a few friends tear up at that one, in a good way. The one I liked most was “Take It as It Comes.” To be honest, I struggled very hard to create a persona. I managed to do it well, but only with a good amount of help. When I mean a good amount of help, I mean I looked at the life of someone else. If you were to read a biography about Jim Morrison, of the Doors, you could summarize it with my poem. I’m not sure if that fit the assignment or not, so I neglected to say anything until now. I created a persona though, and so I think that’s all that matters. Aside from stealing Jim’s life, I think I wrote the poem well. I liked the juxtaposition between James and Jim. The whole second stanza where he says stuff he should do/be shows two things. It shows what is acceptable and what he should do, and also what he is not. The whole “People know who I am. /People don’t know who I am. /I know who I am. /I have no idea who I am.” was actually original. I realized that people knew who Jim Morrison was, but they didn’t know actually who he was. I think I showed that well. I also think the repetition with slight variation is helpful to understanding the character more. I think a lot about how a person’s motives and ideas are only understood by themselves, and that came out in this poem. I also think the first person form helped believe and understand the character. To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what it is about this poem I like so much, but I do. Maybe that’s a good thing that you can’t analyze what you like, maybe it means it just gives off a good feeling. I’d like to go with that.

On the contrary, the whole unoriginal issue still makes me mad. It frustrates me that I couldn’t think of a persona, and while the poem turned out okay, I maybe could have come up with one on my own. I also don’t think most people my age would understand this poem. Or most people in general. By throwing in references to Nietzsche and Paris and the age twenty-seven could easily throw people off. Of course, hardcore Doors fans would instantly know who this is about. If I read a poem like this, which I do quite often (it’s the downside of being a huge Buk fan), I wouldn’t really understand why Paris and other things were thrown in there. I also don’t like the title of this piece. I just took a title from a Doors song, but I think it contradicts the poem to the fullest. Jim talks about how he just wants to die and how he’s already on his way. The title somewhat encourages optimism, and the mentality of not becoming overwhelmed. Also, the first mini-stanza could be elaborated on much more. I should have put that further in the poem and added things about leaving college and drinking too much. I guess one stanza out of nine isn’t too bad for a poem written between classes though. I know, five minutes to do an assignment, I do what I can.

My favorite narrative is one that I have no use for. I chose “Chaos” because although it was another “type-a-quick-story-at-lunch” kind of deal, it turned out well. If I don’t panic and have time to dwell on my lack of creativity I tend to write better. That’s why I’m writing this assignment three hours before it’s due, and I’m proud of that procrastination. Anyway, I found this assignment to be pretty easy for me. I had actually just re-decorated my room and spent days scouring through Rolling Stone, Vogue, books, The Bible, and old pictures for a new “wallpaper.” Since my personal style is very contradictory of itself, it made the whole juxtaposition deal a lot easier. The whole narrative is based around juxtaposing two very unlike things and word choice. I really like the part about my mirror having lyrics on it where I said “I have no desire to actually see myself in this mirror, but to see This Is Me.” Tricky stuff right there. I feel like if there is someone who actually understands all of my references, they would know me very well by the end of this. At the end though, I talked about not being able to fall asleep in my own bed. The whole tone was sort of changed. It went from learning about things I like and how disorganized I am to realizing that I am still a person and I have a good amount of problems to keep me up all night. I think the part with the mirror foreshadows that. The part about throwing clothes around my room for a date also shows that I’m a real human with emotions and not just literature. I hope that this would make someone use Google an insane amount with an interest of what all the weird things I mention are.

As I said in the poem, I think my references could be destructive though. If you understand a few of them you could probably get the general gist of things, but I don’t explain for people who don’t. I reference Buk and Nietzsche to contrast other things, but without knowing about them and who they are is somewhat useless. “Anti-aids campaign posters from Rolling Stone on the other side of Buk” is a direct reference to his poem “Before AIDS” (The Last Night of the Earth Poems), where he talks about how glad he is he had so much sex before the outbreak of AIDS. Placing Nietzsche next to a Bible is also contrasting views, but unless you know that Nietzsche encourages an Anti-Christian morality, that irony might be lost. I hate that I didn’t elaborate on whose comforter I sleep with. Adding that I sleep on a little bed with my eight year old brother’s blanket probably could have shown what I was talking about littleness even more. I guess I already talked about him where I said “the children’s section of GAP, and my eight year old brother’s sweaters.” and that shows my use of his stuff, but I think the comforter thing is just left out there to hang and conclude itself. I also wish I had separated the last paragraph into two. I could have talked about my cell phone and helping my friends in one paragraph, and then my inability to sleep in the next. I should have put the paragraph about my bed right before that to show why the sheets are always tangled. Although I still could change a lot on this narrative, I don’t have any use for it in the future, so I think I’ll use that time to do something less productive.

Overall, I think this class has been more beneficial to me than any other ones. I don’t see a point in taking math and science when all I want to do is write. I realize that if I hadn’t had a break during the day just to read and write, I would have done even worse this semester in all my other classes. I don’t know if that’s much possible, but I’m sure taking Foods or Film Appreciation wouldn’t have helped me out as much. I am trying to switch out of Mod American Lit for Creative Writing 2, because I really don’t think that class will do much for me. I pretty much consider Bukowski to be the most influential on my writing. I’m not going to be a professional reader, so I’d rather be writing. I think I would focus on the narratives and poems most if I had a choice. I feel like I can only write about my experiences or someone I know. Overall I think I’ve improved a lot this semester on certain things, and stayed the same on some. I want to pursue some sort of writing as a career, but I don’t have enough skill, interest in journalism, or ideas of what to do. I don’t want to end up with an English major and think “haaaaaah, what do I do with this?” So that’s pretty much it. I don’t know if I have any words in my brain left. I still need to shower, eat breakfast and turn this in by noon.

I got a 97% on that. meh.

sometimes you walk the line, and sometimes the line walks you

2007-01-08T21:10:00.000-06:00

I've decided Ephesians is my favorite book in the New Testament.

I found peace last night in it.
"Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient." 5:8

I will get what I deserve and so will everyone else.

And as much as I mess up, that's a reassuring thought.

What is love without trust?

2007-01-07T19:07:00.000-06:00

The problem that I have with this world is that everyone is going to let you down at some point. I am starting to lose hope in humans. I know this is usually called growing up, but it sucks. I don't like knowing that I will let everyone down. That everyone will let me down. I'm starting to lose interest in the time in between. I'm so confused by hurt that I don't understand why you would set yourself up for that. I mean, if you know there's no fish in a pond you don't fish in it. So if you know you're going to get let down why start a friendship in the first place. Because it's fun to get backstabbed, lied to, and hated? Yeah, real fun to me. I have no faith in people anymore. I think everyone's "good intentions" just don't cut it. Yeah you can have good intentions, but the next day you can have the worst. And it takes a long time to figure that out. So why waste all that time getting to know someone who is going to hurt you. I just don't think that trust is a smart idea. Everything I've ever told anyone is going to get out at some point. So why don't I just post all of my deepest secrets on a billboard. At least I'll be able to blame myself and save six or so months. Here's my secrets:
I don't think many people are worth respect or trust
I respect and trust too many people anyway
I'm forgiving
I dwell on things until they eat me alive
There. It's not such a big deal when I'm the one saying it is it? I will let you down. I will hurt your feelings. Leave me alone and I'll leave you alone. If I don't trust anyone, then I'm the only one who can hurt myself right? Why should I have anyone, let alone two people to confide in? Where does that get me? Eventually we'll drift apart and one of us will screw up the relationship anyway. So why is alone such a bad idea? If I was alone 24 hours, I would have 99% less problems. If I didn't have to go to school, deal with "friends" or family, what would be bad? I wouldn't have to impress anyone. I wouldn't have to "be there" for anyone. I would run out of things to think about, because normally I think about how humans interact. Well, no human contact will eliminate that. I think I'll commit a serious serious serious murder and end up in solitary confinement. But that won't solve anything will it?
So what, my life isn't so bad. I'm not unhappy. Unstable, yes, but unhappy no. Things get built up inside and I just get stressed. And I have no way to release it. And I don't have to worry about people leaving and then me being alone. If you're not going to be there for me in the first place, I'm already alone. And I'd prefer it that way. Because it is impossible to be completely honest and real and sweet and caring at the same time. So why try when you're set up to lose?

hahahahah
case in point.
I look so little.

"so you say the present is just a pleasant interruption to the past and you don't wanna look much closer cause your afraid to find out all this hope you had sent into the sky by now had crashed and it did because of me"

PS: I didn't get into a fight with anyone or anything. This week is just going to be stressful to the max. Poor Bryan. hahahah (I like how those two words contradict this whole entry)

You’re what keeps me believing the world’s not gone dead

2007-01-07T01:10:00.000-06:00

That, is me.
The things I care about.
This morning while everyone was still asleep, I was thinking. (see the little thought bubbles.) About what it means to actually know a person. And what leads you to knowing them. And who I truly know. There are people I consider close friends that I would say I'm probably more on the acquaintance level with. I can't hear the emotion in their voice, I can't see the emotion on their face. I don't know when they're lying, and when they're just exaggerating. I don't know what their reaction will be to something I do. Then there are the people who I do. And I can ramble on and on and on for probably five to ten minutes per person on why I know them. I mean like, experiences that have made me understand them better. And they stand out. I'd like to get to know more people. But at this point, understanding one or two people is enough for me. I wonder how many people truly know me. I have my flaws and misgivings. I wonder if people know my complexities, or if I have complexities. And when there are people who do know me well enough why does it frustrate me. Haha, well maybe because I hate when I can't fool anyone. And there's a couple people who when I say "I'm not upset" or something they can confidently say "yes you are. shut up and tell me what's wrong." I know people who get frustrated when I know them too well. So hahahahaha. Maybe I'm just impatient or not actually putting in an effort to get to know people. But I wish I did. I will. Because everyone has a story, and I want to know it.

Love is a dog from hell

2007-01-05T14:12:00.001-06:00

I think i read too much bukowski. I read Buk in french class. While curling my hair. At ata band practices. During lunch, throughout the night. In the summer, in the fall, in the winter. In the car, on a plane. In iowa. In minnesota. In california. With friends, with a tv. Listening to the rocket summer, listening to the acacia strain. i read novels, i read poems. the last night of the earth poems. post office. play the piano drunk like a percussion instrument until the fingers begin to bleed a bit.love is a dog from hell. i own the post office. i own love is a dog from hell. i own play the piano. that one i own first edition printed 1979. i love Buk. i love books. i love poetry.

"a laundry list of problems doesn't make you interesting."

2007-01-02T19:23:00.000-06:00

When i'm at home i'm incredibly lonely. Its a depressing place to be. But today, i found a solution. Bryan and i were at best buy today and i got the brilliant idea to get some fish. So we walked over to petco and picked me out two goldfish. they are orange like pete and pete's hair. therefor, they were named. pete, little pete, bryan and i headed over to the adoption center, aka the checkout. i pulled out a quarter, and with that, i was in ownership of two great friends. three if you include bryan, but this story isn't about him. pete and little pete accompanied us to jimmy john's. bryan wanted to freeze one of my new best friends and then see if he was alive. i told him no way you can't kill my best friends. i had to leave them in the car at target, but once i got home we hung out. i told my fish my problems and they demonstrated the advice i need. ignore it! haha get it? well. bryan says my fish won't last more then a week, but what does he know. i love my fishes and they love me. i personally think bryan is just jealous. who gets jealous of fish? ah. it feels great to introduce my new best friends to everyone. long live pete and little pete!!!!!

Do you wanna get away? Get in the car we can leave today!

2007-01-01T17:58:00.000-06:00

I'm finally starting to understand the power of travel, and the power of leaving things behind. This weekend I headed up to Minnesota with some of my best friends for the weekend. Saturday was travel and After The Burial, Sunday was Mall of America, ATA show, and new year's eve! Shopping, shows and fresh starts. Three of my favorite things. But I don't think it was all of the stuff we did that made it so fun. I think it was more what we didn't do. I didn't have to fight with my parents. I didn't have to fight with high school girls. I didn't have to clean my room. I didn't have to deal with anything. I was in a great mood the entire weekend, and I'm not exaggerating. I needed to get out of Iowa so badly. I take little things and build them up to be so horrible. And I had plenty of little things going on. Hah. I had more fun this weekend than I have in a long time. But I could have shopped here, I've seen After The Burial in Iowa. Maybe it was because I didn't know many people at the mall, at the show. There weren't people I was avoiding. I didn't have to worry about people. There. I didn't have to put up with anyone except for the people who I was with. Which for the most part are my only real friends. It was so fun looking at the kids at the shows and realizing "scene kids" are the same everywhere. I saw girls checking out the asian that looked exactly like the ones who check him out here. Yeah. And I got to do whatever I wanted to at the ATA show. I remember seeing girls here that I don't recognize and wishing I could just go into a show and people would have to accept how I dress, how I act, who I'm friends with. I kind of did that. I wore frickin mukluks (something like those. only all woven and no fur!). It was great to be in a new setting for the first day of the year. I started the year off with my boyfriend, who is my favorite person ever, and my best friends. I came back with a clear mind and frankly, I don't care about people. The people who matter to me, matter to me. And I'm finally at peace with that. I also got a bunch of cute clothes no one else will have here. Yay!

That my friends, is why people take vacations.

Check this for videos. there will be a ton

Hahaha, PS: I'm wearing my Hush Sound shirt that Bryan ended up wearing for two days and playing a show in...
ahhhhhhhhhhhh vacation...hahahah!

an eye for an eye until no one can see

2006-12-30T00:14:00.000-06:00

So you should know Saddam Hussein got executed today. If you don't, I'm sorry. Actually, I didn't find out until about five minutes ago, which technically makes it at 12:09 and yesterday's news. Oh snap!
But it makes me think. This horrible person who had ruined a country, ruined so many lives is dead. And it makes headlines. Yet a person who has suffered through years of living on the streets and eating every three days would most likely not even be missed. Death is death. But is this fair? There's so much controversy over death penalties. Most people would agree Saddam is a horrible person. The way I see things, he's going to suffer a lot more sitting in prison until he dies. He basically gets off the hook this way. If you want to use death to punish him, why not kill his family and loved ones in front of him. Why not make him kill his dog or pour milk in his fish's bowl. Assuming he has a dog and a fish. When it's suicide, death is the easy way out. Well heck, if I were Saddam I'd MUCH rather be hanged than behind bars. I just don't understand why our government and society haven't grown out of "eye for an eye". Its so outdated I think. Ideally, it's great, but when there are people like Saddam Hussein getting to leave this world, and his punishment, compared to people who rob a bank and sit in jail to rot (okay so you'd have to do something more serious... whatever) doesn't seem fair anymore. But what I don't understand, if a man molests a child, is his punishment by "eye for eye" letting the father of the child molest his kid? I'm pretty sure no one would agree to that...

This is completely my opinion, but I know there are probably a million things to counterprove this. Its just common sense to me. But I guess most people's common sense is still death for death.

"this one ain't comin down lit folks"

2006-12-29T12:02:00.000-06:00

The title of my blog signifies probably the stupidest thing I've ever said

Here it is on film
it's a short docudrama Kat and I made.
I heard that if you light a corner of a napkin on fire and throw it, it will all be burnt by the time it hits the ground.
observe

tell all the english boys you meet

2006-12-28T00:39:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I saw The Holiday, and I haven't cried that much at a movie in forever.

first and foremost, don't tell me that Jude Law isn't THE most attractive man above the age of 18. I didn't really care when the old guy walked up the stairs, but as soon as Jude started crying, I lost it. I don't know whats so attractive about that British boy shedding a tear or 500, but it was intense. Sure, it could have been the reason he was crying, in fact I'm sure that's why, but I wasn't thinking that much at the time. The character he played was utterly charming and romantic and a great guy to say the least. I want to move to England for Judeeeeeeeeee. PS: he was named after "hey jude". EVEN BETTER.

second, this is Surrey. It's where The Holiday is set in. Honestly the cutest looking town ever. I didn't know places like this existed still, especially in an English speaking country. You know, the forefathers of our country stole ideas and tea from the Brits, but they should have stolen architecture plans as well. Also, the accent and shopping. I don't know what it is about the dreary UK with too much rain, and people with bad teeth, but I have such an urge to go. To London, to Surrey, to Jude Law...haaaaah!

So yeah, the two cutest things in the world in one movie. I kept hoping that whenever music would play it would be Justin Timberlake, because that would be so ironically funny. Man.

Then today, I watched six episodes of Pete and Pete. Danny Tamberelli is the cutest kid ever. Well, was I guess.

Little Pete was always my favorite. I love how chubby he is and how frickin funny he is. "BITE MY NECK HAIR" or getting people to pay to hit golf balls at his brother, he's always got something to say.

POLARIS
this site has the theme song, Hey Sandy, and listen to Summerbaby. Summerbaby is the song Little Pete gets mesmerized with in the first season. The one he starts a band for and can't remember for the life of him. Gah, Little Pete, you slay me!

But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you and I'd probably be happy.

2006-12-25T20:40:00.000-06:00

Today was not only the best Christmas of my life but the best day of my life as well.

I got a first edition Charles Bukowski book. 1979. Smells old and everything. My favorite Buk book. The first one I ever read. The book that got me into beat poets.

But in the end, it's the thought and effort behind the book that gets me.

You know what I'm sayin, yo!?

can't let, another life slip through our hands.

2006-12-24T23:24:00.000-06:00

In a half hour it's Christmas.
In one hour it's Bryan and I's five month.

It doesn't feel like either.
I wish there was snow on the ground. I had a really crappy experience with gift giving tonight. I'm not too positive on this whole Christmas thing. And I'm bitter about how society is making Christmas. If this holiday was actually what it is supposed to be, then I wouldn't have a problem. I don't need snow to celebrate Jesus. I don't need my brother to like a book to celebrate my faith. I'm quite sick of "atheists" celebrating Christmas. I'm so cynical. But I don't celebrate Hannukah, so why celebrate something you claim to not believe in. I'm sorry, but it's still not about gifts. Clark and I were talking about the way Christianity impacts the way you feel about Christmas. I couldn't think of a single tangible thing I wanted for Christmas. For anyone. I'm sorry that I angered SO many people by my indeciciveness. But what it comes down to is that I don't need or want anything. Anything tangible that is. I want crap like world peace, and happiness, and Rosefield Rivals to stay together. What really ticks me off is when I asked my dad to make a donation to TWLOHA instead he neglected to do it and asked if I wanted a Nintendo Wii instead. NO I DO NOT WANT VIDEO GAMES. I WANT MY FRIENDS AND PEOPLE LIKE MY FRIENDS TO STOP MUTILATING THEMSELVES. I'm sorry if that's too much to ask. I'd rather he spend the $300 dollars or whatever on people who need it. Somebody explain to me why Santa Claus is more important than Jesus.

And July 25th sounds like a long time ago, but it doesn't feel like it. All I know is Bryan is dumb for putting up with me for this long. Actually he's not dumb for it, but great for it. And he watched Pride and Prejudice with me tonight. My mom bought me a new milkshake maker. About a month ago Bryan tried to make a milkshake in our old one and ended up almost swallowing a spring. HA.

Well, tomorrow is going to be busy busy busy.

I fear that I am a slippery slope

2006-12-24T00:33:00.000-06:00

Tonight started off with some bad news. Old news, but bad news.
It went up from there. We got all dressed up and went to dinner. And I fell asleep on Emily's couch.

Tonight wins. hahaha.

I love emily!

and kayla!

and emily's room!

and bryan's haircut

and mitch's expressions

and my weird expressions

aaaaaaand looking stoned

and ducks!!!!!!!

AND BEIN AZN

and emily's room!

and emily with a mallard!

awake! awake in the company of men given something to say

2006-12-23T09:53:00.000-06:00

By the time you reach age sixteen, you most likely know anxiety. You can feel it, and it affects you. Maybe not often, maybe only once. At age sixteen I'm becoming a self-diagnosing hypochondriac. I have convinced myself that when I stress or worry, my anxiety kicks in. Maybe it does. But there has to be some underlying problem that triggers it. Here's the thing, I have zero to very minimal subconsciousness. I understand why I do things, and why other people do things. It kills me. I understand my anxiety is likely caused by needing attention, and by insecurity problems. It gets so bad that I have to go take a five minute break in the cold? Why? I am too passive aggressive for my own good. When I do things like that, I have two motives: to clear my head, and to get attention. Don't fall for it. Actually do. haaaaah. I don't like being that stupid about things, and I wish I could get it figured out. Maybe if I truly put my mind to believing that I'm fine I will be. If I can will my brain into problems, can I will them out?

I'm going to make a big stretch and say this is related to anxiety, which it kind of is.

To Write Love On Her Arms
This foundation is doing an amazing job at reaching out to the people who need help for this the most. They help with finding help for cutting and self mutilation. We all know "emo" kids are stereotyped as cutters, so why not create an organization that speaks directly to them. With Switchfoot, Bradley Hathaway, The Rocket Summer, Paramore, Underoath, and many others behind them and sporting gear, their word is spreading. Yes, it is a Christian organization, which is a big bonus for me, but they help anyone. They have "stop the bleeding" tours and profits from merch goes directly to helping kids. I don't usually get behind a foundation like I have with TWLOHA, but it's hard not to for me. Why do my best friends cut themselves? I don't have an answer for that, but I can help them. I can help others in the same situation as me, and as my friends. These are good people helping in the best way they know how. Through MySpace: emo kid hangout, through music: emo kid obsession, merch: emo kid novelty. Why not. It seems to be working pretty well. I'm behind them 100%. There's no reason you shouldn't either.