Turn that beat up

My two favorite things. Ames in the summer, and Ames on a Sunday morning. Sunday morning Ames is recovery time. Barely anyone is on the road, and are usually sleeping in. Summer in Ames is half-full, at that. So, on literally zero minutes of sleep, after pedaling back at 7:15 this morning, I turned around and took a ride through campus at 7:30 am. I just went down to Lake LaVerne and rode around that once. It was cold out, but not too cold. I passed two people on the entire trip, and it was a wonderful feeling. I love this city for what it is. I love the weather lately, and the shape I'm getting in. I like being able to ride anywhere in Ames in about 10 minutes, and actually getting a tan. I like parties, and no curfew, and working enough to make bank, but not enough to burn out. I like tights and bandanas and v-neck t-shirts. I love summer. I love Ames. I love old friends. I love love love new friends. I am so content.

Indecisions lasting for years.

I think everything has changed since January. I guess for the better? I live with my best friend. I live in my favorite town. I guess things are awkward around this place though. Two days in and already I feel out of place. But I guess that is just one of those things I will be forced to get over. This is my town, this is where I call home. So I have just as much of a right to it as you do. I sometimes don't know who I am anymore. Then I realize, that I don't care. Right now, I'm in survival mode. I often look at the corruption and failure in this world and seriously just feel on the verge of suicide. You can't escape it. I get worried.

I need God to make boys not my vice anymore. 

lets make this interesting:

You will all suffer as a pig might. You all will suffer as the swine you are.

The good advice that you just didn't take

I fit the female stereotype more than I ever want to admit. Sitting around, being bitchy, eating chocolate, and listening to Alanis Morissette.

mmmm

"feel good" revolution

Today starts a set of blogs. Specific, themed blogs, meant to release some anger, and to get my writing going again.
The first in the series, disorganized at best:

War is unending. Our country began with a war. I'm convinced it will end the same way. We will soon lose our status as the number one empire in the world. Corrupted reasons, nine trillion dollars in debt (and growing every day), and a lack of our own resources will do us in. We borrow, borrow borrow. Print, print, print. When will we have enough! When will it be enough! A war on terror, sans weapons of mass destruction, turned into a war for oil. We need our gasoline and petroleum so badly that we're sacrificing American lives. Our world is a world that would shut down without war. Why? What is the need for such an unsettling force? We are driven by conflict as humans. Plot, controversy, things like that move us along. Driven by murder and scandalous government decisions. So why are we so adamant about the importance of war? Why is peace such a hard concept to grasp? Human nature destroys me. It rips my heart into a million pieces. Genocidal killers, with no heart, where killing is no object, and they block out remorse. What gives? I ask this; why are these people deserving of the ability to block out trauma. Trauma they have caused. They are not. In war, not only are civilians and casualties victims, but everyone involved in a war is a victim in my eyes. Those who fall for the corrupted ideas of war, those who fight for a country with ideals they don't believe in. Whether these soldiers are added to mortality numbers or their souls are just demolished, they are victims. Leaders of war, Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, (in my opinion) George W. Bush, all victims. Misguided victims. Whoever started Vietnam, the generals of the Confederate states. War is a victimizing, humiliating time for all parties involved. What war are we 100% free of shame over? What war were we, or the opposing side completely moral? War is nothing but a blemish on history, that we can't seem to cure.

Hey, how could you love me this way.

Today is the most disappointed I've been in a long long time. I feel betrayed all over. By my country, by my community, by the person I should be closest to. I am really starting to consider moving away and skipping Iowa State. I want out of here. By here, I do not mean Iowa, I mean the country. I have no use for America anymore. I have no use for "friends" who don't have the common courtesy to be decent.

Run where you'll be safe

I'm having a really bad day. I don't use this much anymore. Probably because I have nothing to say anymore. All I talk about is work. I love work. I love my jobs. Thats the only good part of today is my work christmas party. work work work work. yay. I guess I also don't use this because I don't talk to anyone who reads it anymore. Whats the point of personal blogging to strangers? Gay. Gamestop is my safe haven.

Living in those days that hold me back, they hold me back, they hold me down

Christmas is coming up soon, but instead of looking forward, I'm looking back. I'm realizing things I am most thankful for, maybe a couple weeks late. First and foremost, I am thankful for ICA. I may complain about the school, but the people there are the most phenomenal and most accepting people I've ever come into contact with. Petty, yes. Judgemental, yes. Corrupt, yes. But not at all to the degree I have seen in others. I've made maybe one or two good friends there, and I don't hang out with ICA kids outside of school, but I really consider them my family. Being grounded has made me really appreciate my other friends also. Cody, the insanity that keeps me sane. Enough said. I could go on for days, but I won't. Genya, my soulmate. I love this girl and miss her so much and can't wait to get ungrounded so we can start our adventures again. I miss Nick more than almost anyone. My best guy friend that isn't Cody. Nick's wacky stories, most probably exaggerated, and just the way things work out in his life always keep me entertained. Josh Ladd has become one of the most important people in my life also. We always used to fight, but now I can tell him anything. And you people, cough Zach, who said we should just date...um ew. Josh and I have always been ridiculously platonic, always will be. I'm thankful for my Nick's Bar and Grill family. The people I work with make my day better, time after time. Eric, the "jolly" waiter, who Genya and I love more than most people on this planet. Because he puts up with our fake flirting, fake flirts back, and think we're funny!!!! Maureen because she is an English teacher, and I'm heavily considering asking her to adopt me. Brett because his initials are B A Champion. hahaha, be a champion. Emily because she's...out of control. Just the entire setting. I don't want to leave that place. I also got hired at Gamestop. I think that job will be a lot of fun. Because just talking to people about games and electronics is pretty fly if you ask me. And last but not least, I am thankful for my little brother. He has kept me company while I'm grounded, helped gang up on our parents, and been the stupidest person ever to come into my life. Oh yeah, and Jude Law for accidentally being naked on the internet.

If I stay awake tonight I'll gain much more than growing old.

MY
EYES
ARE
GLUED
OPEN
I'M
RAMBLING
TO
CODY
ABOUT
WIKIPEDIA
I'M
LISTENING
TO
COMEBACK
KID
ON
REPEAT
ALL
IN
A
YEAR
HAS
THE
BEST
BREAKDOWN
NORTH
OF
BOSTON
AND
LA


I just want to find more people who get as amped as Cody and I do about good tunes. Hardcore lives on at 3:45 AM, suckaaaas. I love insomnia. I've missed it. I'm going to stay up more often. I guess that means no movies for me, heehehahahhooohooooo. I love Ames, I don't love Des Moines. Des Moines is a pile of crap I drive through to get to Ames. I love kids from Boone County apparently. Yay. I'm really tired of school. It is not cool. I just want to get out of herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre. Go to Ames. Save gas. Learn something useful. Sick of high school. Sick of learning crap I could just read about on Wikipedia. So sick of people with crappy music taste. I'm sorry, normally I try to be diplomatic. Dave Matthews likes dong. Yes, dong. OAR? MORE LIKE NO-AR. Boys Like Girls? Lol get me a gr8 escape away from Crappymusicville, population 10000000. Get educated n00bs. You people need to understand subcultures. Hardline Manifesto Get pure!

Look, this is my best friend. He is from Ceremony.



He's tough as nails and has an Out Of Step tattoo. BFFS!!!!!! NO WAI ROSS. I AM OUT OF STEP TOO. CAN YOU NOT KEEP UP? ME TOO.

Ceremony pwns your acoustic crap so hard.
Except Bright Eyes. Conor Oberst I love you.

ITS 4 AM. I WILL NEVER SLEEP. WAHAHA.

My pen is the barrel of the gun.

There are very few things that mean as much to me as writing does. I have so many struggles with it. But it all comes down to my burning passion for writing. I love writing, cutesy love letters, pissed off rants, persuasive speeches, you name it. I have a 4000+ word paper due at the end of December and I'm killing myself over it. I'm seriously having such a hard time because I know I'm going to kill myself if it isn't perfect. Twenty+ pages, and I will make it shine. My topic: genocide in East Africa. That alone is getting me down. I don't sleep, between stressing about solutions, and stressing about homework. I want to go to Africa again. I just want to make a difference, and this paper is pulling at my emotions so hard already. I'm reading a book about a guy's experience in Darfur. The preface alone made me want to cry. He met a woman who's sister had died in the rebel war, and she had her niece and nephew. The one year old had a bullet wound in her back, and although the author gave the paramedics her name specifically, his one regret to this day is not taking that little girl with him. I really wish I didn't take English classes and writing so seriously all the time.

The way we dress disturbs them all

So I was talking to a friend last night. We were reminiscing about our childhood, specifically Peanuts. We were discussing who we liked most and who we were most like.

After serious contemplation, I am...............



LUCY!!
Lucy Van Pelt works hard at being bossy, crabby and selfish. She is loud and yells a lot. Her smiles and motives are rarely pure. She's a know-it-all who dispenses advice whether you want it or not--and for Charlie Brown, there's a charge. She's a fussbudget, in the true sense of the word. She's a real grouch, with only one or two soft spots, and both of them may be Schroeder, who prefers Beethoven. As she sees it, hers is the only way. The absence of logic in her arguments holds a kind of shining lunacy. When it comes to compliments, Lucy only likes receiving them. If she's paying one--or even smiling--she's probably up to something devious.
I highlighted the things that apply, if anything else applies, I probably just don't want to admit it!
As much as I don't want to relate to Lucy, I really do. I mean, I upload a new picture on the space, and I'm almost in that exact pose
Ridiculous!

Someday, we'll look back and laugh

Genya and I have big plans and even bigger enthusiasm for them. April we turn eighteen. May we graduate. Our grad party is going to be awesome. It really is. June-ish we move to Ames. We're getting an apartment and probably missing out on dorm life. Genya's parents are moving to Colorado, so this way she doesn't have to move twice, and gets in state tuition. Plus I need to get out of this house. Honestly, rent will probably equal about what we pay for gas driving to Ames all the time. I'm excited though. Our best friends are there. Then we're going to Iowa State. Everything is amazing. I'm so excited for this all to kick into gear.

In the meantime. I write a darn good speech, and an even better love letter.

When you're 16 you don't know what forever means.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about old people lately.
First and foremost is this man:

I stand behind him 100000%. The quote floating around the internet, "Dr. Paul cured my apathy" is right on the money. I feel like he is the only candidate that can turn this country around. Watching him speak again yesterday again reassured me in his campaign. Working downtown at the headquarters to recruit help is also so validating. Genya went with me to the "Ruckus Rally", which oddly enough, was tamer than any Ron Paul convention I've been to, and decided to join the Revolution. I was so thrilled that I took the opportunity to tell everyone about converting her to "Paulism." Including the man himself, which was followed by the three of us saying "FREEDOM" in unison, and me getting a HIGH FIVE from Ron. Seriously, high fives are the coolest thing ever. I truly feel like the only reason this man is not the front runner is because of ignorance. I highly suggest starting here: Writings of Dr. Paul

Second old person.
There is a man who comes into Nick's Bar and Grill, where I work, quite regularly. I haven't worked many times, but he has been in there almost every time. He is old, and super nice, and likes booths. Friday night Genya and I were working, and Mr. Brown had to be helped to a chair. Everyone was super worried about him, but he was apparently fine enough to drive himself home. Whether it was his three or so glasses of wine, or just old age, we're not sure. Genya heard from a waitress that Mr. Brown and his wife used to come into the restaurant all the time. She had a tube in her nose, and he would always help her around. Then one day, Mr. Brown started coming by himself. Everyone just knew. And he still comes to Nick's, probably because it reminds him of his wife. Gen pointed out that Mr. Brown still wears his wedding ring. I was suddenly in such a sad mood. I didn't know how to feel. I mean, that is what everyone wants in their life. Love that is so unconditional and consuming that after you're gone, your other has to do things to remind them of your presence. I don't know.

Third old person.
Zach's Blog
I read this and it hit home with me. I did telemarketing for State Farm for three or so months. Not only was I so happy to see this side of Zach floating around, this really is my favorite side of him haha, but I was glad someone else could relate. I think part of the reason I'm calling for the Ron Paul campaign is because I miss stories like this. If you're too lazy to click the link and haven't read it yet, in summary:
" “My name is Zach and I am a student here at Iowa State…” BAM I GET CUT OFF
.
“I have told you and told you guys to stop calling! My husband is 83 years old, and he is very sick in the hospital, EIGHTY THREE YEARS OLD! YOU GUYS JUST KEEP CALLING! and I asked the last person to take us off the list…”"

I can testify to that being the worst feeling in the world. Your heart drops, you feel like crying, and sometimes you do. The people who have to tell you "Thats my husband, he passed away *insert amount of time here*" are the people who stand out. Or the old guy who I talked to for ten minutes, because he told me that I was the first and probably last person he'd talk to all day. He told me of a book about a cat named Molly, and how he strikes back against life insurance people and retirement homes who call him. He would act all interested and then once they took him out to a free lunch, never pick up their phone calls again. I told him that I would try my best to get my boss to do the same for him, he obviously found great joy in it. Then there were the old ladies, who always called me "sweetheart" and "honey" and always were eager to give me information for quotes, even though they rarely even knew what kind of cars they owned. A lady I called and said "Saturday mornings are my gardening days sweetheart! Call back in two hours!" brought me so much joy. For as truly CRAPPY cold calling can be, it is also so rewarding and develops character. I feel like the Ron Paul calling will do this even more. It is so easy to relate to people when they want the same man in charge of the country. I already had a conversation with an older lady about why we supported him. It was awesome how we liked him for such different reasons, but also the same ones.

...OH OLD PEOPLE, BEING SO OLD AND FUNNY.

I've spent my life questioning everything

Whoah, long time no blog!
The true sign that things are going well for me.
This school change was the best idea my mother has ever had. I already feel immersed in the love of God and I feel a change already. The reluctance I felt even a week ago is quickly dissipating. A trip to California made me realize a lot of things about my dad, and start to forgive him. Amazingly. I have the most amazing people in my life. I wouldn't have it any other way. In health today we were talking about depression, and I realized I wake up truly happy now. Such a change from sixth grade, from seventh, from eighth, all the way up until May. I remember being such a downer around that time, I don't know what changed. I have had one true bad mood in the past month. It used to be the exact opposite.

Please take my life and use it, I'm ready.

I'm making the choice to come clean about some things. I'm putting this on the internet because it it benefits no one to keep it in my head. I don't want to hide things, nor do I want to keep them this way. That being said, this is not easy for me.


My struggle with faith is coming to a fork in the road. Christianity is always a struggle, but I keep to myself about it, for the most part. A few close friends and I have been talking a lot today about our struggles. Most likely provoked by talking to someone at the show in Ames on Saturday. This guy was going around asking about how we were with our faith. What? No one actually cares about where other people stand with Christ! No one actually out of the blue will offer to help. I'm so envious of the way he goes about his life. While to non-believers, it was annoying and unwanted, to at least three of us it made a huge impact. I am admitting that I have not fully given my life to God. I am holding back huge parts of my soul. Being a Christian is so hard, and I haven't put in the effort. For a couple of months I've been trying to remain a Christian, and failing at that. I know in the back of my mind, and in my heart that I haven't given Christianity the shot it deserves. I was contemplating giving up on something that I never really understood in the first place. I have encouragement now, and have been opened up to people who stand at the same place as I do. One of my closest friends, raised Christian, chose Atheism, is more vocal with his faith now than he ever was. A friend who I used to see eye to eye with, and he fell away, and then I started to slip, now is truly giving it a shot. I'm not going to let these people fail, I will lift them up and encourage them as they will do for me. I am truly choosing God this time, not just giving it a trial run. I really do regret living as a "Christian". I will until I truly have become one with God. I don't want any of this fake Christian stuff anymore. I'm not calling myself a Jesus follower until I actually follow through. I don't want to contribute to the bad name Christians already have at my age. I'm terrified to actually change the way I live my life. I'm terrified to actually do what God tells me to do. I'm terrified to go beyond the realizations of God's work, and the occasional reading of my bible. I'm scared to do more than pray to a God I don't honor every night. Because that is what I truly do.

I'm leaving myself vulnerable and open right now. I need this more than anything.

This is me saying words I actually mean.

This weekend, as always, was amazing. Wii parties, Ames life, accidentally touching tongues with Josh Ladd, Welching it up, the Quaz's house, being with Genya all weekend.

Come on guys, lets get it going on!

I hate when people act like they know everything about something they've only known for less than two months. You don't know jack. Stop acting like it.



^^My Genya

But what I hold in my heart is real

This is my 100th post, just throwing that out there.

I just feel like writing some more, publicly.

I'm sittin in my onesies, about to go watch American Hardcore and eat soy ice cream, and things couldn't be better. I'm excited for the weekend, and excited for life. Did some more senior pictures, s to the toked, STOKED. Just for the record, does everyone think its creepier for Justin to send me private messages about my blogs than actually commenting on them, since he thinks he runs the risk of being "that creepy 25 year old"....oops, sorry J dawg! Cody called me today and told me he bought Halo 3. I instantly knew that I had lost the best friend I've ever had. He said he thought of me while he was buying it and that he felt slightly guilty, but to try calling him in a week. Halo really does ruin lives, Emily. I dyed my hair back to "Dark Ash Brown." Ugh, such a good name.

You know that typical essay your lit teacher will make you do about a book you read in class? The one involving notes on characterization, writing style, what is and isn't effective? Yeah, I did that in my journal today. N to the ERDY. Helter Skelter seriously is my number one non-fiction...ever. It really makes me want to look into being a paralegal or something along those lines. I know right?

Are we scared of progression? Sometimes it seems we've lost our sense of direction

Perspective is amazing. Getting over bitterness because you realize you're doing the same exact thing is amazing. Self-actualization is amazing. Realizing things that were in your head is amazing. Starting over is amazing. Starting up is amazing. Relating to people is amazing. Having nothing in common but still having a great time is amazing. Being obvious is amazing. Living away from home 2-3 days a week is amazing.

My life is absolutely fabulous right now, and I have plenty of guilt in saying that. But it's the truth, and I will express it as I see fit.

To live our lives with unwavering intent and in the spirit of a new romance

My life is currently under construction. I'm taking initiative, and self-actualizing by the day. Writing again has helped me with this tremendously. Also, those tough decisions that are hard to make are logistically written in ink, making it nearly impossible for me to ignore the facts. I feel so at peace with everything right now. For the first time in a long time. That being said, I will admit to recently making some not so moral choices. Nothing that society would shun me for, yet things that wouldn't be too happy to hear. No drinking, no drugs, no sex. Just things that I'm not proud of, but are very minor to say the least. I love my life so much right now. The way I can get out of bed in the morning smiling, and go to bed smiling. I love living in Ames on the weekends. I love the friends I have up there, and the pseudo escape from my everyday life. I'm so over high school it's ridiculous. Valley I guess, to be specific. I went to an Ogden football game on Friday and I.........actually didn't hate being there. I just hate the environment of Valley's ridiculous games, and how "West Des Moines" it all is. Next week is homecoming week. Genya and I are not going to the game, but going to Ames, of course. We don't need to see the people we see daily, we need our friends. The typical Friday "Spirit Day" is going to get dominated by Lindsey Adler this year. Wearing Ogden Basketball sweatpants and some Ogden pride shirt, I'm going to show those Valley n00bs what the heck is up. I'm incredibly excited to do it.

If you know of the song "Soulja Boy", I suggest you listen to this.
The breakdown makes my life
Click "Crank That Cavalry Boy"

I find satisfaction in what they lack

Thanks Justin for actually making me look 10% less un-photogenic.
Oh, and for having the same weird sense of humor as I do.