Isolation is a four letter word

Last night I had some pretty horrible dreams. Bryan cheated on me, I failed junior year and had to go to school again with all the sophomores (ick!), and other stuff. Well, what a fabulous feeling I had when I woke up. I asked Bryan if he ever felt like that after a bad dream and he gave me that "you're nuts" look and said no. So although Bryan's all knowing opinion isn't everyones, I'm starting to feel like I'm the only one who does that. I don't know what it was. But I was so angry today. Because of school and some girl who didn't have a face since she was a dream blur. hahaha. I think its a little bit ridiculous that because of eating cheese or something too close to bed my next day was ruined. If you don't get the cheese thing, watch How The West Was Won with Mary Kate and Ashley. :). So right about now I'm pretty angry at my mind. I'm in a good mood finally, but I'm so mad that unreal things hurt me so badly. But, one thing that never fails to cheer me up is Kayla Lewis. We're obviously really cool when we wake up! We sat on in Luke's basement and took like 839472 pictures last Saturday. Cool life!

And I'm sorry I sound glad, but why always be so sad!

The past month was amazing.

And I walk alone tonight outside my house and outside my mind

Shows quite frankly piss me off. I always seem to be in a bad mood at a show. I just hate the whole scenario. Sometimes I walk around outside to calm me down. Its nice when it's cold because then I'm forced to cheer up fast. Last night I went on a walk. But truly not because I was in a bad mood. Bryan had left his camera in my purse and I figured I'd go take pictures while he was watching some band. So I went outside and started wandering around the East Village. I'm not very smart to do this all the time, seeing as it was dark cold and I'm a 110 pound girl alone downtown. Smoooooth. But I've never been raped killed or kidnapped. So whatever! I was walking around trying to find good stuff to take pictures of. It was kind of hard since it was so dark out, and flash makes everything icky. So I ended up with a lot of neon and streetlight lit signs and parking meters. Taking a picture of the rainbow sign outside of the gay bar (hahah I took that one just so that Bryan would be reallllllly happy when he turned on his camera...hahahahah), I met a girl. She was walking around with a really nice digital SLR and taking pictures as well. Her name is Ashley and she works at Starbucks. Her brother got a camera and doesn't know how to use it and just has it to have one. She spent the past few days taking pictures in the skywalks. Friday she drove past the Historical Building and wanted to take pictures on the top of it, but her camera battery died just then. I'm not stalking this girl, I'll probably never see her again in my life. She's only been to House of Bricks once and seems a little Hot Topic. But just because we were both walking around taking pictures of gay bars and shoes on benches we were able to get a conversation going. It was so weird to me that I learned more about her in about ten minutes than I know about a lot of people I've known for years. I guess that's the way you make friends when you don't have to go to school. I went back inside and of course I was asked what was wrong. I'm obviously not very good at hiding my emotions and people have started to notice I go outside when I'm upset. After a little convincing I proved to them that I was in fact feeling fabulous. And that was that. The pictures I took weren't exactly good by any means. Maybe one of a parking meter with a blurry blood center in the backround was cool, but the others were below mediocre and looked like I was trying too hard. Which I was. But at the end of the night I ended up with a good parking meter picture, frostbite, a break from the smoky air, and a picture that Bryan continued to show off throughout the night. Of course it was of him, but whatever I took it. Hahahah, score. So I guess I shouldn't ever go into shows but rather wander around downtown. I have a feeling I'm going to spend a lot of time alone down there, it's super nice. I love downtown more than anything.

"We used to be pussweeds, but now we're metal!"

There's something to be said about new starts. Two days into the new semester I feel fabulous. I have a free period, and I have a feeling that even if I don't do my homework in it, a break will be nice opposed to a class. I have a feeling that will help me out a lot. It also is great timing. Everything in my life is changing a lot, and I think starting new is exactly what I need. I'm starting to come to terms with why things are the way they are. I understand the reasons I'm friends with certain people, and not friends with certain. I understand why I make certain choices and I understand why God puts me in situations that may not be fun. After realizing all of this, I've realized I'm a spoiled brat and I'm slightly (okay, a lot) on the selfish side. And as much as I don't want to change, I need to at some point. My counselor says she thinks I think things through very well and put things together nicely. I am starting to be more optimistic and open minded and understanding. And I don't know why. All I know is the last few weeks of the last semester I was super stressed out. I had to take tests over material I hadn't learned at all. A whole semester of learning. And with things going on with friends, and future planning. Oy. And to top it off, my parents were all pissy with me, mainly because of my grades. But I still had it easy. I should have done my work from the beginning. I understand that. But I have a whole 180 days to do that now. To prove that I can accomplish something. If I don't have school stressing me out, everything is easier. I don't get so uptight and rude and I get along with my parents. Which is one less thing for me to complain about. So pretty much I'm super psyched for this semester. I'm psyched to get everything back on track. And to top it off, I'm seeing friends who I didn't see at all this summer or first semester. People who have been great friends for me since forever. And with the Pella show Friday, and the HOB show Saturday, this weekend is booked and I'm ready!

Again and again, civilization wraps her hands around the neck of nature with a ceaseless grasp we choke.

So here's my angry rant at the government. Okay, well maybe not the government, but the human services people. Pretty much the jerks (restraining my language a lot there) who drive around with their stupid snow shovels on the front of their trucks. See I was outside shoveling my driveway. And I actually like doing it. I got out of chores for the day for it, and I got to go play in the snow. I loved not having school and having a place to think and freeze my butt off. I was just perfectly content. Then, the stupid jerks pulled up and thought they would help me. It turned out to be one of those things where someone tries to help you, but just makes you so mad you want to throw your snow shovel at them. They shoveled my driveway for me and while that is a great thing to most people, I wanted to pop their tires and ruin their day too. So now I'm stuck doing chores again on my day off, and my snow is dirty. Dirty, icy, and piled up. I tried to stop them, but they just told me to move. I was trying to pull one of those stand in front of the thing you don't want destroyed moves. But when a giant snow shovel is coming toward you you tend to move. I hate those jerks and I want to call the city and complain about them. I'm pretty sure that's called trespassing and they should go to jail. Yes, I'm this angry over my stupid driveway. And all my mom can say is "oh my gosh! who is that!?!" THEY'RE NOT GOING TO KILL YOU MOM. JUST RUIN MY DAY. As you can see I kind of hate them right now. And the next time I see one of their stupid trucks I'm going to throw a snowball at it. Jerks.

Keep it locked up inside like a secret you can't refuse

Those are my Mukluks. They do absolutely nothing but match a rare outfit or two. I wore them yesterday, thinking "Oh, I wore them in a Minnesota semi-blizzard, I can wear them here!" I neglected to realize that in Minnesota I wore them outside maybe three times. Well, by the end of the night my feet were soaked and I was wearing Bryan's socks and Converses. They're something like this:

only red instead of black. So I looked ridiculous no matter which way you spun it. I don't know how much I like looking ridiculous. I love the mukluks, I love the price (8.99!!!), I love the comfort, but I hate the discomfort of having my feet soaking wet. I've come to a big fork in the road. One way points to love for the shoes, the other points to sticking with size 10 Converses and ballet flats. I just don't know what to do. I have a feeling all of this is caused from the subliminal torture of my soul caused by The Lifestyle breaking up. The band I've loved since ninth grade that I make fun of constantly so that people don't know I love them. Gone. Forever. And ever. I don't know what to do, but cry. Cry and wear mukluks.


What is my life coming to.

Creative Writing final.

Final reflection

“Sometimes you walk the line, and sometimes the line walks you.” I think that definitely describes my struggle with writing. I realized that there are some things I’m good at and some I’m just plain terrible at. I just have to deal with it and go with what I know. Over the semester I feel I improved at writing significantly. It might have been the fact that I got new ideas for how to write and what to write. Or it could have been the simple fact that I had a chance to actually write regularly. I realized what types of writing I enjoy, and which ones I’m bad at. I discovered what made me write well, and I also had a wonderful case of writers block for about two to three weeks. I feel like I lived a lifetime of a writer through a semester. Struggling, critiques, hating my own writing, writers block, and occasionally feeling good about what I’ve written.

One thing I don’t feel too fabulous about still is my short story. I chose my story “More Adventurous” just for the simple fact that it was the story I spent the most time on. I struggled with finding ideas and putting them onto paper. I think after a lot of work it came out adequate, but nothing I’d really show off. Stuff like “Being Jenny wasn’t as fun as knowing Jenny.” told more than showing, but I couldn’t seem to figure out how to show that. I think the main idea of the story is good, like if I heard about what it was I’d like it, but after reading it I’d chance my mind drastically. I wish I would have elaborated more on the last two paragraphs. That is where she is actually shown changing and that’s the turning point of the story. I condensed it all into two paragraphs that kind of resembled the “wrap-up” dialogue at the end of movies. You know, so and so went on to do this and this and this. Great for a movie, bad for a story. Re-reading it now, I actually despise this story, but none of my other stories were anywhere near decent, so when your best story is something you hate I guess you realize that short stories just aren’t your thing.

On a less harsh note, I think I used good choices of words when I was doing all that telling. “By the end of the week she had figured out why General Hospital was better than Days of Our Lives.” I like that line, soap operas are known to be entertainment for bored sick kids, and bored mothers. I also think everyone knows a Jenny. The character itself was relatable, everyone knows the person who is so perfect but so alone at the same time. At age sixteen or seventeen, not many teenage girls get along well with parents, so although Jenny was older than that, that was something I think people would connect with. I really like the random “On a cold Thursday in March,” it seems like I was trying to seem all formal and very Plath like. Although the sentence itself is sort of one of those types of “nature crap” I dislike, the fact that I wrote it makes me laugh at myself, and like my variety of writing a little more. Of course when I say like my variety, I mean laugh at the random things I will throw into one story. I also really liked the title I picked. At first you’d think Jenny was adventurous and living life on the “edge” or whatever mature people say. But then you realize that it will take more courage for Jenny to stop destroying her own life, and that makes her much “More Adventurous.” I also learned over this semester that punctuation goes within the quotation marks. I just thought I’d make that clear after thinking about where it goes so many times in this monster of a paragraph.

As far as my poetry goes, I like this a little more. Most of it I struggled with, and didn’t do well with. Right before my writer’s block I wrote three I liked a lot. I liked the one about water, I think I got that from seeing some of my friends get really drunk and be stupid, I then valued water a lot more. The one about my friend’s mom dying, when Taylor told me that story, it was basically a poem in itself. I managed to make a few friends tear up at that one, in a good way. The one I liked most was “Take It as It Comes.” To be honest, I struggled very hard to create a persona. I managed to do it well, but only with a good amount of help. When I mean a good amount of help, I mean I looked at the life of someone else. If you were to read a biography about Jim Morrison, of the Doors, you could summarize it with my poem. I’m not sure if that fit the assignment or not, so I neglected to say anything until now. I created a persona though, and so I think that’s all that matters. Aside from stealing Jim’s life, I think I wrote the poem well. I liked the juxtaposition between James and Jim. The whole second stanza where he says stuff he should do/be shows two things. It shows what is acceptable and what he should do, and also what he is not. The whole “People know who I am. /People don’t know who I am. /I know who I am. /I have no idea who I am.” was actually original. I realized that people knew who Jim Morrison was, but they didn’t know actually who he was. I think I showed that well. I also think the repetition with slight variation is helpful to understanding the character more. I think a lot about how a person’s motives and ideas are only understood by themselves, and that came out in this poem. I also think the first person form helped believe and understand the character. To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what it is about this poem I like so much, but I do. Maybe that’s a good thing that you can’t analyze what you like, maybe it means it just gives off a good feeling. I’d like to go with that.

On the contrary, the whole unoriginal issue still makes me mad. It frustrates me that I couldn’t think of a persona, and while the poem turned out okay, I maybe could have come up with one on my own. I also don’t think most people my age would understand this poem. Or most people in general. By throwing in references to Nietzsche and Paris and the age twenty-seven could easily throw people off. Of course, hardcore Doors fans would instantly know who this is about. If I read a poem like this, which I do quite often (it’s the downside of being a huge Buk fan), I wouldn’t really understand why Paris and other things were thrown in there. I also don’t like the title of this piece. I just took a title from a Doors song, but I think it contradicts the poem to the fullest. Jim talks about how he just wants to die and how he’s already on his way. The title somewhat encourages optimism, and the mentality of not becoming overwhelmed. Also, the first mini-stanza could be elaborated on much more. I should have put that further in the poem and added things about leaving college and drinking too much. I guess one stanza out of nine isn’t too bad for a poem written between classes though. I know, five minutes to do an assignment, I do what I can.

My favorite narrative is one that I have no use for. I chose “Chaos” because although it was another “type-a-quick-story-at-lunch” kind of deal, it turned out well. If I don’t panic and have time to dwell on my lack of creativity I tend to write better. That’s why I’m writing this assignment three hours before it’s due, and I’m proud of that procrastination. Anyway, I found this assignment to be pretty easy for me. I had actually just re-decorated my room and spent days scouring through Rolling Stone, Vogue, books, The Bible, and old pictures for a new “wallpaper.” Since my personal style is very contradictory of itself, it made the whole juxtaposition deal a lot easier. The whole narrative is based around juxtaposing two very unlike things and word choice. I really like the part about my mirror having lyrics on it where I said “I have no desire to actually see myself in this mirror, but to see This Is Me.” Tricky stuff right there. I feel like if there is someone who actually understands all of my references, they would know me very well by the end of this. At the end though, I talked about not being able to fall asleep in my own bed. The whole tone was sort of changed. It went from learning about things I like and how disorganized I am to realizing that I am still a person and I have a good amount of problems to keep me up all night. I think the part with the mirror foreshadows that. The part about throwing clothes around my room for a date also shows that I’m a real human with emotions and not just literature. I hope that this would make someone use Google an insane amount with an interest of what all the weird things I mention are.

As I said in the poem, I think my references could be destructive though. If you understand a few of them you could probably get the general gist of things, but I don’t explain for people who don’t. I reference Buk and Nietzsche to contrast other things, but without knowing about them and who they are is somewhat useless. “Anti-aids campaign posters from Rolling Stone on the other side of Buk” is a direct reference to his poem “Before AIDS” (The Last Night of the Earth Poems), where he talks about how glad he is he had so much sex before the outbreak of AIDS. Placing Nietzsche next to a Bible is also contrasting views, but unless you know that Nietzsche encourages an Anti-Christian morality, that irony might be lost. I hate that I didn’t elaborate on whose comforter I sleep with. Adding that I sleep on a little bed with my eight year old brother’s blanket probably could have shown what I was talking about littleness even more. I guess I already talked about him where I said “the children’s section of GAP, and my eight year old brother’s sweaters.” and that shows my use of his stuff, but I think the comforter thing is just left out there to hang and conclude itself. I also wish I had separated the last paragraph into two. I could have talked about my cell phone and helping my friends in one paragraph, and then my inability to sleep in the next. I should have put the paragraph about my bed right before that to show why the sheets are always tangled. Although I still could change a lot on this narrative, I don’t have any use for it in the future, so I think I’ll use that time to do something less productive.

Overall, I think this class has been more beneficial to me than any other ones. I don’t see a point in taking math and science when all I want to do is write. I realize that if I hadn’t had a break during the day just to read and write, I would have done even worse this semester in all my other classes. I don’t know if that’s much possible, but I’m sure taking Foods or Film Appreciation wouldn’t have helped me out as much. I am trying to switch out of Mod American Lit for Creative Writing 2, because I really don’t think that class will do much for me. I pretty much consider Bukowski to be the most influential on my writing. I’m not going to be a professional reader, so I’d rather be writing. I think I would focus on the narratives and poems most if I had a choice. I feel like I can only write about my experiences or someone I know. Overall I think I’ve improved a lot this semester on certain things, and stayed the same on some. I want to pursue some sort of writing as a career, but I don’t have enough skill, interest in journalism, or ideas of what to do. I don’t want to end up with an English major and think “haaaaaah, what do I do with this?” So that’s pretty much it. I don’t know if I have any words in my brain left. I still need to shower, eat breakfast and turn this in by noon.

I got a 97% on that. meh.

sometimes you walk the line, and sometimes the line walks you

I've decided Ephesians is my favorite book in the New Testament.

I found peace last night in it.
"Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient." 5:8


I will get what I deserve and so will everyone else.

And as much as I mess up, that's a reassuring thought.

What is love without trust?

The problem that I have with this world is that everyone is going to let you down at some point. I am starting to lose hope in humans. I know this is usually called growing up, but it sucks. I don't like knowing that I will let everyone down. That everyone will let me down. I'm starting to lose interest in the time in between. I'm so confused by hurt that I don't understand why you would set yourself up for that. I mean, if you know there's no fish in a pond you don't fish in it. So if you know you're going to get let down why start a friendship in the first place. Because it's fun to get backstabbed, lied to, and hated? Yeah, real fun to me. I have no faith in people anymore. I think everyone's "good intentions" just don't cut it. Yeah you can have good intentions, but the next day you can have the worst. And it takes a long time to figure that out. So why waste all that time getting to know someone who is going to hurt you. I just don't think that trust is a smart idea. Everything I've ever told anyone is going to get out at some point. So why don't I just post all of my deepest secrets on a billboard. At least I'll be able to blame myself and save six or so months. Here's my secrets:
I don't think many people are worth respect or trust
I respect and trust too many people anyway
I'm forgiving
I dwell on things until they eat me alive
There. It's not such a big deal when I'm the one saying it is it? I will let you down. I will hurt your feelings. Leave me alone and I'll leave you alone. If I don't trust anyone, then I'm the only one who can hurt myself right? Why should I have anyone, let alone two people to confide in? Where does that get me? Eventually we'll drift apart and one of us will screw up the relationship anyway. So why is alone such a bad idea? If I was alone 24 hours, I would have 99% less problems. If I didn't have to go to school, deal with "friends" or family, what would be bad? I wouldn't have to impress anyone. I wouldn't have to "be there" for anyone. I would run out of things to think about, because normally I think about how humans interact. Well, no human contact will eliminate that. I think I'll commit a serious serious serious murder and end up in solitary confinement. But that won't solve anything will it?
So what, my life isn't so bad. I'm not unhappy. Unstable, yes, but unhappy no. Things get built up inside and I just get stressed. And I have no way to release it. And I don't have to worry about people leaving and then me being alone. If you're not going to be there for me in the first place, I'm already alone. And I'd prefer it that way. Because it is impossible to be completely honest and real and sweet and caring at the same time. So why try when you're set up to lose?

hahahahah
case in point.
I look so little.

"so you say the present is just a pleasant interruption to the past and you don't wanna look much closer cause your afraid to find out all this hope you had sent into the sky by now had crashed and it did because of me"


PS: I didn't get into a fight with anyone or anything. This week is just going to be stressful to the max. Poor Bryan. hahahah (I like how those two words contradict this whole entry)

You’re what keeps me believing the world’s not gone dead

That, is me.
The things I care about.
This morning while everyone was still asleep, I was thinking. (see the little thought bubbles.) About what it means to actually know a person. And what leads you to knowing them. And who I truly know. There are people I consider close friends that I would say I'm probably more on the acquaintance level with. I can't hear the emotion in their voice, I can't see the emotion on their face. I don't know when they're lying, and when they're just exaggerating. I don't know what their reaction will be to something I do. Then there are the people who I do. And I can ramble on and on and on for probably five to ten minutes per person on why I know them. I mean like, experiences that have made me understand them better. And they stand out. I'd like to get to know more people. But at this point, understanding one or two people is enough for me. I wonder how many people truly know me. I have my flaws and misgivings. I wonder if people know my complexities, or if I have complexities. And when there are people who do know me well enough why does it frustrate me. Haha, well maybe because I hate when I can't fool anyone. And there's a couple people who when I say "I'm not upset" or something they can confidently say "yes you are. shut up and tell me what's wrong." I know people who get frustrated when I know them too well. So hahahahaha. Maybe I'm just impatient or not actually putting in an effort to get to know people. But I wish I did. I will. Because everyone has a story, and I want to know it.

Love is a dog from hell

I think i read too much bukowski. I read Buk in french class. While curling my hair. At ata band practices. During lunch, throughout the night. In the summer, in the fall, in the winter. In the car, on a plane. In iowa. In minnesota. In california. With friends, with a tv. Listening to the rocket summer, listening to the acacia strain. i read novels, i read poems. the last night of the earth poems. post office. play the piano drunk like a percussion instrument until the fingers begin to bleed a bit.love is a dog from hell. i own the post office. i own love is a dog from hell. i own play the piano. that one i own first edition printed 1979. i love Buk. i love books. i love poetry.

"a laundry list of problems doesn't make you interesting."

When i'm at home i'm incredibly lonely. Its a depressing place to be. But today, i found a solution. Bryan and i were at best buy today and i got the brilliant idea to get some fish. So we walked over to petco and picked me out two goldfish. they are orange like pete and pete's hair. therefor, they were named. pete, little pete, bryan and i headed over to the adoption center, aka the checkout. i pulled out a quarter, and with that, i was in ownership of two great friends. three if you include bryan, but this story isn't about him. pete and little pete accompanied us to jimmy john's. bryan wanted to freeze one of my new best friends and then see if he was alive. i told him no way you can't kill my best friends. i had to leave them in the car at target, but once i got home we hung out. i told my fish my problems and they demonstrated the advice i need. ignore it! haha get it? well. bryan says my fish won't last more then a week, but what does he know. i love my fishes and they love me. i personally think bryan is just jealous. who gets jealous of fish? ah. it feels great to introduce my new best friends to everyone. long live pete and little pete!!!!!

Do you wanna get away? Get in the car we can leave today!

I'm finally starting to understand the power of travel, and the power of leaving things behind. This weekend I headed up to Minnesota with some of my best friends for the weekend. Saturday was travel and After The Burial, Sunday was Mall of America, ATA show, and new year's eve! Shopping, shows and fresh starts. Three of my favorite things. But I don't think it was all of the stuff we did that made it so fun. I think it was more what we didn't do. I didn't have to fight with my parents. I didn't have to fight with high school girls. I didn't have to clean my room. I didn't have to deal with anything. I was in a great mood the entire weekend, and I'm not exaggerating. I needed to get out of Iowa so badly. I take little things and build them up to be so horrible. And I had plenty of little things going on. Hah. I had more fun this weekend than I have in a long time. But I could have shopped here, I've seen After The Burial in Iowa. Maybe it was because I didn't know many people at the mall, at the show. There weren't people I was avoiding. I didn't have to worry about people. There. I didn't have to put up with anyone except for the people who I was with. Which for the most part are my only real friends. It was so fun looking at the kids at the shows and realizing "scene kids" are the same everywhere. I saw girls checking out the asian that looked exactly like the ones who check him out here. Yeah. And I got to do whatever I wanted to at the ATA show. I remember seeing girls here that I don't recognize and wishing I could just go into a show and people would have to accept how I dress, how I act, who I'm friends with. I kind of did that. I wore frickin mukluks (something like those. only all woven and no fur!). It was great to be in a new setting for the first day of the year. I started the year off with my boyfriend, who is my favorite person ever, and my best friends. I came back with a clear mind and frankly, I don't care about people. The people who matter to me, matter to me. And I'm finally at peace with that. I also got a bunch of cute clothes no one else will have here. Yay!

That my friends, is why people take vacations.

Check this for videos. there will be a ton

Hahaha, PS: I'm wearing my Hush Sound shirt that Bryan ended up wearing for two days and playing a show in...
ahhhhhhhhhhhh vacation...hahahah!

an eye for an eye until no one can see

So you should know Saddam Hussein got executed today. If you don't, I'm sorry. Actually, I didn't find out until about five minutes ago, which technically makes it at 12:09 and yesterday's news. Oh snap!
But it makes me think. This horrible person who had ruined a country, ruined so many lives is dead. And it makes headlines. Yet a person who has suffered through years of living on the streets and eating every three days would most likely not even be missed. Death is death. But is this fair? There's so much controversy over death penalties. Most people would agree Saddam is a horrible person. The way I see things, he's going to suffer a lot more sitting in prison until he dies. He basically gets off the hook this way. If you want to use death to punish him, why not kill his family and loved ones in front of him. Why not make him kill his dog or pour milk in his fish's bowl. Assuming he has a dog and a fish. When it's suicide, death is the easy way out. Well heck, if I were Saddam I'd MUCH rather be hanged than behind bars. I just don't understand why our government and society haven't grown out of "eye for an eye". Its so outdated I think. Ideally, it's great, but when there are people like Saddam Hussein getting to leave this world, and his punishment, compared to people who rob a bank and sit in jail to rot (okay so you'd have to do something more serious... whatever) doesn't seem fair anymore. But what I don't understand, if a man molests a child, is his punishment by "eye for eye" letting the father of the child molest his kid? I'm pretty sure no one would agree to that...

This is completely my opinion, but I know there are probably a million things to counterprove this. Its just common sense to me. But I guess most people's common sense is still death for death.

"this one ain't comin down lit folks"

The title of my blog signifies probably the stupidest thing I've ever said

Here it is on film
it's a short docudrama Kat and I made.
I heard that if you light a corner of a napkin on fire and throw it, it will all be burnt by the time it hits the ground.
observe

tell all the english boys you meet

Yesterday I saw The Holiday, and I haven't cried that much at a movie in forever.


first and foremost, don't tell me that Jude Law isn't THE most attractive man above the age of 18. I didn't really care when the old guy walked up the stairs, but as soon as Jude started crying, I lost it. I don't know whats so attractive about that British boy shedding a tear or 500, but it was intense. Sure, it could have been the reason he was crying, in fact I'm sure that's why, but I wasn't thinking that much at the time. The character he played was utterly charming and romantic and a great guy to say the least. I want to move to England for Judeeeeeeeeee. PS: he was named after "hey jude". EVEN BETTER.


second, this is Surrey. It's where The Holiday is set in. Honestly the cutest looking town ever. I didn't know places like this existed still, especially in an English speaking country. You know, the forefathers of our country stole ideas and tea from the Brits, but they should have stolen architecture plans as well. Also, the accent and shopping. I don't know what it is about the dreary UK with too much rain, and people with bad teeth, but I have such an urge to go. To London, to Surrey, to Jude Law...haaaaah!

So yeah, the two cutest things in the world in one movie. I kept hoping that whenever music would play it would be Justin Timberlake, because that would be so ironically funny. Man.

Then today, I watched six episodes of Pete and Pete. Danny Tamberelli is the cutest kid ever. Well, was I guess.



Little Pete was always my favorite. I love how chubby he is and how frickin funny he is. "BITE MY NECK HAIR" or getting people to pay to hit golf balls at his brother, he's always got something to say.

POLARIS
this site has the theme song, Hey Sandy, and listen to Summerbaby. Summerbaby is the song Little Pete gets mesmerized with in the first season. The one he starts a band for and can't remember for the life of him. Gah, Little Pete, you slay me!

But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you and I'd probably be happy.

Today was not only the best Christmas of my life but the best day of my life as well.

I got a first edition Charles Bukowski book. 1979. Smells old and everything. My favorite Buk book. The first one I ever read. The book that got me into beat poets.

But in the end, it's the thought and effort behind the book that gets me.

You know what I'm sayin, yo!?

can't let, another life slip through our hands.

In a half hour it's Christmas.
In one hour it's Bryan and I's five month.

It doesn't feel like either.
I wish there was snow on the ground. I had a really crappy experience with gift giving tonight. I'm not too positive on this whole Christmas thing. And I'm bitter about how society is making Christmas. If this holiday was actually what it is supposed to be, then I wouldn't have a problem. I don't need snow to celebrate Jesus. I don't need my brother to like a book to celebrate my faith. I'm quite sick of "atheists" celebrating Christmas. I'm so cynical. But I don't celebrate Hannukah, so why celebrate something you claim to not believe in. I'm sorry, but it's still not about gifts. Clark and I were talking about the way Christianity impacts the way you feel about Christmas. I couldn't think of a single tangible thing I wanted for Christmas. For anyone. I'm sorry that I angered SO many people by my indeciciveness. But what it comes down to is that I don't need or want anything. Anything tangible that is. I want crap like world peace, and happiness, and Rosefield Rivals to stay together. What really ticks me off is when I asked my dad to make a donation to TWLOHA instead he neglected to do it and asked if I wanted a Nintendo Wii instead. NO I DO NOT WANT VIDEO GAMES. I WANT MY FRIENDS AND PEOPLE LIKE MY FRIENDS TO STOP MUTILATING THEMSELVES. I'm sorry if that's too much to ask. I'd rather he spend the $300 dollars or whatever on people who need it. Somebody explain to me why Santa Claus is more important than Jesus.

And July 25th sounds like a long time ago, but it doesn't feel like it. All I know is Bryan is dumb for putting up with me for this long. Actually he's not dumb for it, but great for it. And he watched Pride and Prejudice with me tonight. My mom bought me a new milkshake maker. About a month ago Bryan tried to make a milkshake in our old one and ended up almost swallowing a spring. HA.


Well, tomorrow is going to be busy busy busy.

I fear that I am a slippery slope

Tonight started off with some bad news. Old news, but bad news.
It went up from there. We got all dressed up and went to dinner. And I fell asleep on Emily's couch.

Tonight wins. hahaha.


I love emily!

and kayla!

and emily's room!

and bryan's haircut

and mitch's expressions

and my weird expressions

aaaaaaand looking stoned

and ducks!!!!!!!

AND BEIN AZN

and emily's room!

and emily with a mallard!

awake! awake in the company of men given something to say

By the time you reach age sixteen, you most likely know anxiety. You can feel it, and it affects you. Maybe not often, maybe only once. At age sixteen I'm becoming a self-diagnosing hypochondriac. I have convinced myself that when I stress or worry, my anxiety kicks in. Maybe it does. But there has to be some underlying problem that triggers it. Here's the thing, I have zero to very minimal subconsciousness. I understand why I do things, and why other people do things. It kills me. I understand my anxiety is likely caused by needing attention, and by insecurity problems. It gets so bad that I have to go take a five minute break in the cold? Why? I am too passive aggressive for my own good. When I do things like that, I have two motives: to clear my head, and to get attention. Don't fall for it. Actually do. haaaaah. I don't like being that stupid about things, and I wish I could get it figured out. Maybe if I truly put my mind to believing that I'm fine I will be. If I can will my brain into problems, can I will them out?

I'm going to make a big stretch and say this is related to anxiety, which it kind of is.




To Write Love On Her Arms
This foundation is doing an amazing job at reaching out to the people who need help for this the most. They help with finding help for cutting and self mutilation. We all know "emo" kids are stereotyped as cutters, so why not create an organization that speaks directly to them. With Switchfoot, Bradley Hathaway, The Rocket Summer, Paramore, Underoath, and many others behind them and sporting gear, their word is spreading. Yes, it is a Christian organization, which is a big bonus for me, but they help anyone. They have "stop the bleeding" tours and profits from merch goes directly to helping kids. I don't usually get behind a foundation like I have with TWLOHA, but it's hard not to for me. Why do my best friends cut themselves? I don't have an answer for that, but I can help them. I can help others in the same situation as me, and as my friends. These are good people helping in the best way they know how. Through MySpace: emo kid hangout, through music: emo kid obsession, merch: emo kid novelty. Why not. It seems to be working pretty well. I'm behind them 100%. There's no reason you shouldn't either.

Because things change and friends leave and time doesn't stop for anyone.

I've been thinking about the way friendships and humans change and evolve. We change so quickly. And we don't see it in ourselves until we're looking back.

Some friendship changes over the past few years:
















For the ones of my friends and I, I didn't pick them by "losing best friends" or whatever. There are people in there who were never more than acquaintances. But it's drastic change anyway.

October thirty-first I wrote "My biggest goal appearance wise is to be one of those girls who ALWAYS looks good. I see girls who I think "ugh I wish I could be that cute. I could never pull that off though." Looks aren't everything. But no one wants to look in the mirror and think "gross! I look horrible. I'm ready for the day!" I should probably stop analyzing these things. Or else I'll end up shallow, bitchy and stupid."

I ended up not cute, but yeah, shallow and mean. How does one person become who they don't want to be in less than two months. I saw Brand New that night. I played Halo the first time. I got a new cell phone. What happened in those months that made me this different. Is it social things? Family problems? Relationship changes? Getting closer to God? (although I'd think that'd make me go the opposite way). Is it deleting my MySpace?

B.F. Skinner said if you gave him a baby and let him create their whole world, have no outside interactions or anything, he could make them into whatever he wants. But is that true? I strongly believe people are shaped by their beliefs and environment. But what about instincts, and the similarity of everything. I can quote The Perks Of Being A Wallflower right now. The part where he says "And I know if that person had gone to another school they would have gotten their heart broken by someone else. So why does it have to be so personal?" Even if I was taken out of Valley, I would still have the same struggles with social and academic pressures. Girls will be girls, US History will be US History. I don't mean to disqualify a psychologist's theories by quoting a fiction book, but times have changed Skinner. So if I wanted to change into a complete fashionista could I be put into a fashion company and would that make me "that person"? If I don't want to fight with friends could I be put somewhere that doesn't have MySpace and cliques? Would that even change anything.

So as much as I accept change, embrace it almost, I have to wonder about why it happens in the first place. I have some concept of reality I just can't see the whole picture. I wish I could take myself out of situations and observe. Change myself for the better. Would I be a different person if I spend two weeks out with friends, instead of two weeks asleep? Is change self motivated? Or is it subconscious. Is it shaped by your friends and family?


And why does it affect everyone so darn much?

this is the last time something a girl says is going to bother me.

i'm sick of it.
i'm sick of being made the bad person.
especially when i'm the one getting trashed.
that doesn't make sense. you're talking bad about me, but i'm in the wrong.
i'm sick of taking things out on bryan, and him having to cheer me up.
i'm sick of girls and their stupid mouths.


and i don't care what crap you say about me after you read this, Hillary and Maddie.
i am done with it.
so say whatever you want to whoever you want.


i can sleep at night knowing i don't get enjoyment from being mean.

Go to this place you go you don't see how much you mean to me

weekend recap:

Friday: grounded, stayed home watching girl movies
-The Devil Wears Prada
-Must Love Dogs
-Pride and Prejudice
-She's All That
I slept a lot and felt fabulous the next day

Saturday: I did more chores than humanly possible for a little bit of freedom. Bryan Zach and I went to Hy-Vee, got hot dogs and met up with (long list ahead!), Caely, Austin, Mitch, Kayla, Blake, Emily, Luke, Cole, JR over the night. They threw hot dogs at cars and went deer mounting. For as much of a "boys night" it was, it was super fun. I felt fabulous again and slept a lot then too.

Sunday: Bryan woke me up and said he was coming over. We hung out for about an hour and that was great as always. Slept a lot more and then went to the Christmas party for HSM. Fun times fun times. James and I sat there being slightly cynical and making fun of my boyfriend. Nothin new. Great time like always. Bry learned more about my messed up family history and I STILL feel fabulous.

I just don't know!
I'd like to thank chick flicks, sleep, my wonderful boyfriend, Bryce Avary, Kat Huppert, and the weekend for this mood.

:)

Story of my life

Days don't die down in December

Most of you 90's kids should remember her. Daria. She's the sarcastic high school girl I wish I was. I've recently aqcuired the first season of this show, and I have to say, I like it even more now. I thought she was "TOTALLY AWESOME" when I was younger, but now I actually have been through this stuff. I'd have to say, she's a pretty sweet chick and if you haven't seen the show, or seen it in some time, you should probably ask me for the DVD.


DUH.

The mean thoughts and cheap shots, they will not weaken me

So it's a Saturday afternoon in December. I can hear Bryce Avary singing from upstairs. And there's no snow. 1/2 isn't bad.
I also wonder why I watched so many girl movies last night
and why pride and prejudice was so romantic.

I don't know why I keep getting grounded
or keep getting out of it
or why girls keep talkin smack.


I
DUN
CURRRR.


I'm going out tonight*@^$*(!^!*(

And I'm also wondering how to spell vuluptuous and why I asked Kat if I am.
I'm not wondering why she said "NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST BIT IDIOT"

you win some you lose some

i'm losing my mind
what will i win!

You take in everything with a certainty I envy.

So we all know those internet personality tests are hoaxes right? My step-grandma, who considers sending me chain emails to be a form of communication, sent me one that kind of weirded me out. It is allegedly based off of what the Dalai Lama says about personalities. I'm sure that once I saw the answer I was more prone to believe it, but I went into this with a pretty negative attitude toward it. For the most part, it actually was on track. Here's the link for anyone who's bored, or curious. If you take it you'll understand this part...for the answer for coffee, it put fake happiness. So what if it's two words, the way that turned out was hilarious.

I love pomegranates.
Just so you know...

Think about what you say before you run your mouth.

I really wish more girls had the reasoning boys do. When I think about the people I trust, most of them are male. I don't know what it is. I think it's the honesty I get, instead of the backstabbing. Or the way I have to be honest, instead of backstabbing. I have guy friends who are basically a slightly less emotional version of girls, I have guy friends who don't understand girl problems for the life of them. I have great people in my life that I talk to about anything and everything. Lately, when I'm upset about something, I tell only boys whats going on. Maybe one girl at most. I told a friend something and he really never knows what to say in those situations, and it helped. I didn't have to talk about it excessively. I could vent, and he just thought the same way I did. Or my best friend who I go to with 90% of my problems. He listens and helps me see the good in the situation. Reassures me on things I know somewhere in the back of my mind. Another one is just as much of an insomniac as I am, and when I text him at three in the morning saying "ugh" he'll let me vent. Friends. I tell them (not just those three) almost anything. The only person I tell more to is Bryan. And that's the epitome of a good guy friend. Bryan pisses a lot of girls off. But for me, I have more at stake, and so it's good that he's so brutally honest with me. I need that a lot. I'm sick of being a bad friend, and I'm sick of having bad friends. I just dislike being a girl sometimes.

I've got friends who will help me pull through

I'm so ready for break it's not even funny. I need those days badly! But I've been in a great mood the past week or so, and that's awesome. I love being happy. The only thing weighing me down is a little family drama, okay, big family drama. Luckily I have my two favorite boys on my side. The man upstairs, God (NO NOT MY DAD. HAHA) and the man in waukee, bryan. And I've got my Matt and Amanda and Kat. Even Cody and Cliff listen to me all the time. I am super content right now with friendships. Except I think people are talking bad about me again. UGH.


My mom, not so much.

God and meatless nuggets, yes.

You say I choose sadness that it never once has chosen me. Maybe you're right...

I wonder if anyone else thinks as much as I do.


I'm in a great mood, don't get me wrong, but I seem to think a ridiculously unhealthy amount.

Let me help you and take you out of this lake you are clearly drowning in

Problems come in and out of my life so quickly and so often.
But nothing ever gets so bad that hearing that you've instantly cheered someone up can't fix.

rest assured that with a heart that’s pure we’ll be victorious and not let our hate get the best of us.

I forgot how much I hate big shows.



I always feel so lonely. It's like the Valley effect. Kat snorted a line of sugar tonight at Perkins. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Stick To Your Guns was awesome. I like em a lot.

I wrote a good personal narrative today. It was cool.