I hate everyone, and everything

I'm so stressed out I can't handle it. Tropical Sno is ruining my life, day by day. I feel forced to work long hours, with kids who don't know what they're doing in the first place. The kind of people that shouldn't be working there are, and it is the most aggravating situation yet. I miss my friends. I miss working with Aubrey because even though she was lame at working, we had the best time ever. All Bryan and I do is work and sleep. Work work work, sleep sleep sleep. Get up too early, go to bed too late, be crabby the next day. Vicious vicious cycle. I don't want school to start again. I don't like girls my age. I don't like guys my age. Minus like, two. I don't like Valley. I want to be in Ames with all my friends. I know I'm going to need them a lot this year, and I hope I can arrange that. I love my friends so much. I love sitting on bridges over highway 30 at 1 am and just talking about "surprise sex" and other things like that. Having dramatic battles with Cody, and getting home hours after curfew. I love Dylan and Carlos, and being bitter and spiteful, and trying to ruin lives. I have a great senior schedule though, filled with English classes. No math, no science. I just need God to keep me informed on who to know and who not to know. To trust that when I go with my heart, it is for a good reason. We'll see what this year brings. Hopefully not too much lonliness and stupidity.

#23

"He is retarded. There are things that he understands. He can get along on his own ok. The doctors say that his condition is deteriorating rapidly. Last year he understood this, now it isn't clear. He has never touched a woman. He knows that he never will. He eagerly awaits the day when he no longer feels the attraction for them. As it is right now, it hurts so much, so deeply, that he cries and loses control of himself. He has caused many embarrassing moments for his family. They don't what know what his problem is, why all of a sudden he'll cry and start to scream. They can't take him out anymore. He is smart enough to know that he's not like the rest of them. He waits for this deep pain to end."

This is part of a book I wish I hadn't put off buying. You know, a friend tosses the name around, you see it at Barnes and Noble multiple times, pick it up quite a few times. The guy from Black Flag, that band you should listen to, but don't. The band you want to listen to, but don't. You see American Hardcore, you see that this guy isn't another burnout and he knows his stuff. You go to Barnes and Noble. You buy Black Coffee Blues by this guy. You sit at Java Joe's waiting for your vegetarian Canadian Bacon sandwich. You read the first few pages. You want to read more. You eat your sandwich outside of Vaudeville Mews. You read the book. You get offered marijuana. You find the blurbs presented in this section more interesting than the local band, or the pipe five feet away. You show a friend, you tell another friend to read it. You carry it around in your purse. You want more from this author. You write blogs about the book.

Thank you Henry Rollins.

revolution!

Destroy everything.

I've really enjoyed this week. I haven't gotten to see Bry much, but that is the only downfall. I've hung out with Genya a lot, and I'm so glad. She is one of the only girls I can actually stand to be around. I hate females. With a burning passion. I hate being one. So it was nice to have a good week with one, ya know what I mean? Hanging out with Nick was fun today too. It is nice having someone my age who understands where I'm coming from on so many high school frustrations. Like people who read bad literature, and people who get drunk every night. Its also nice to have someone to talk about Christianity with and not feel inferior. Coming from the same religious background helps enormously. I faced my fears and went into Mayhem today. The comic book store on Lincoln Way. The nerds hate me and I went in there, being all brave and stuff. I wish I was brave in other aspects of my life. I wish Cody wasn't so right all the time. About me being too nice and how its stupid I don't stand up for myself. I truly feel like Bryan and Cody are the only people who look out for me and want the best for me. And I'm not saying that to be passive aggressive. But the two most honest people in my life are honest because they're sick of me being upset. I'm freaking out about Bryan going to Minnesota. I'm glad Code will be in Ames this year though. Even if he's being stupid and anti-social, it'll be helpful.

I bought a prepaid phone so that I can text again. Social anxiety outlet!

To look into my heart was to look into hell

hahah, i love my life and love my friendssssssssssssssssss
genya adventures and ames/nick adventures r00l!

You tell me what to say, and when to say it. You tell me what to do, and how to do it.

Probably the best week ever. Get ready. Thats only Monday.

Oh, and P frickin S:
If one more person tells me not to dye my hair and criticizes my choices, I think I'm going to snap. Stay out of my life and my choices, because I can and will make my own decisions. I'm seventeen, I've been dying my hair since the seventh grade. I'm pretty sure I'm more experienced with it that anyone who has told me how bad it is for my STILL HEALTHY hair. I don't understand why my choices are actually supposed to be everyone elses. I just wish people would leave me alone and not tell me who to hang out with, or what to wear, or what to listen to, or how to dye MY fuggin hair. I like the music I listen to, I like the people I hang out with, I like the clothes I wear. Just because its not what you like, or who you like, doesn't mean I don't. I'm so frustrated I just want to get out of here.


...oops. angry rant

A cat is just a cat.

It is four am.

Histories

It's coming to a head. Tensions are building up inside, crashing towards an ugly end. I can't think straight and my mind is shut when I'm in this state. I'm just a kid with a key hole heart, locked up and shut down by hate. Sometimes love is not enough to clear my clouded head. Mind like fist, closed and violent. Hands knuckled white, twisting emotions against themselves, stealing form my life. Anger is a loyal companion, it won't leave me alone. We walk the streets together at night, a faithful friend like a thorn in my side. Sometimes love is not enough to clear my clouded heart, strangled by a mistrust. Sometimes love is not enough. I'm trying to sort through the way I feel and getting nowhere quick. This chip on my shoulder feels more like a ten pound brick. You want to know what's smashing through my mind? Well, take a number and get in line. I'm being pulled in two difference directions: love and hate, getting confused inside.

I wish I wrote that.
Thanks Go It Alone for the life story

What makes us strong

My life is so sweet. Stayin up all night, havin good talks with good dude friends, realizing who really means most to me, sittin in my star wars underwear, discussin politics, facebooking aimlessly, driving to ames daily, eatin Jimmy Johns everyday, only listening to Bane, Modern Life Is War, Go It Alone, Ceremony, and Give Up The Ghost, lovin my kitten.

"I can't sleep while she's lovin me!"

Controvery. Scandal. Pre-marital sex.
Seriously, I have my opinions on it, and I'm strong on them. I believe that pre-marital sex is stupid and wrong. You can start with the biblical reasons.
Acts 15:29
You are to abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality. You will do well to avoid these things. Farewell.
Romans 1:24
Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.
1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.
Hebrews 13:4
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

And it goes on...and on...and on.
I don't think that if you are ready/have committed yourself to a person, that you are ready to sleep with them. I see it all too often that there are relationships that are ridiculously pointless, and you wonder why someone puts up with that kind of stuff. And then, you find out they're having sex. Attachment. If I'm so attached to someone that I can't break up with them no matter what, I don't want it to be over something physical. And to get married, and know that someone has already been doing whatever they want with someone else, or anyone else, that'd break my little heart. It just isn't fair to the people you're actually going to be with for the rest of your life, in my opinion.

Somewhere, somehow, everything has changed

"I wish that I could spread my arms so wide that I could wrap them around everyone I've ever known and loved. Protect them from the crashing waves. The storms that will take us all one at a time. The unheard goodbyes that we are never ready to whisper. Turning once strong men into lost little boys, standing well dressed staring into six-foot holes"

Brand New? As Cities Burn? Rilo Kiley?

BANE.



I don't think people give the music I listen to enough credit.

I think I'll leave it at that.
Before I insult Dave Matthews and Dierks Bentley and make myself out to be the total hypocrit I am.

If only time flew like a dove

A wedding and therapy session. Yikes. Talk about an emotional week. I went to Pella with Kayla and we went to THE cutest wedding ever. It was a friend of hers from high school, and I swear, although I didn't know anyone there I wanted to cry. Weddings are so cute. I love seeing people in love, but I couldn't help but think about divorce. That sounds so bad, and I'm not saying anything about the people in this particular wedding. It reminds me of that Paramore line: "I've seen love die, way too many times, when it deserved to be alive". True that Haley Williams. I bet my parents were happy at their wedding. So what happened then? What happened to "love never fails"? It is a scary and controversial topic. I'm taking a risk here, but I'm not sure that anyone in high school has the mental capacity to know what "love" is. I just don't see how it is possible. That is just my opinion, but nothing has changed my mind. But I guess I can't talk about what I'm unexperienced in. Someone prove me wrong, and show me a high school relationship that I can't argue against being love. I know I have NO right to say who loves who and stuff, but when signs are there, I'll see em and call em.
I went in for my last medicine check yesterday. I decided that therapy and medicine are not working for me, and I need to figure my life out myself. I don't want to be on 300mg of an anti-depressant. Age 17 shouldn't hold so many struggles. My doctor said that he is concerned that I show so many apathetic signs. I'm sorry, but there are things I just don't care about. He also said that my emotional state is very "fragile and easy to break". Kaboom. Atomic bomb right there. That is the last thing I'd ever like to hear about myself. I'd rather be called a whore or something. But what Dr. said is too true, and scares me. I want to be a strong person. I want to not have so many ups and downs. But no one wants to be called fragile. In my mind he might as well be calling me so many worse things.
So yeah, it was an emotional few days.
Good days, but emotional.

Ps: Pressure by Paramore is one of my all time favorite songs.

Explain to me, this conspiracy against me

Bryan won't watch Bambi with me. And I just remembered how cute bunny rabbits are. I want a big lot with 15,00 bunnies running around and enjoying themselves.

Some days, they last longer than others

I'm only excited to see two people when I get home. That is majorly depressing. If it weren't for them I'd probably just stay out here all summer. Screw senior pictures, screw Iowa shitty hardcore shows, screw humidity.

"tinted windows don't mean nothin, they know who is inside!"

We all know the weird turn of events my life has taken over the past two weeks. Well, yeah, about that. I'm in California right now and as much as I hate it, I'm really glad I'm here. I feel like things with my friends are nosediving, and I'm really glad to be able just to get out of the situation. Most likely, it is my fault though. But what good are friends when all they do is make you feel bad about yourself and your life. My best friend tells me the stupid choices I make, and gives me advice, but when I don't take it, I don't get called an idiot. I don't get made fun of and called a slut, because most people would make the same choices as I do. It really isn't enjoyable having the people you care about most making you doubt yourself constantly. But I guess I'm too sensitive. I've started reading Mein Kampf. I picked it up just to make myself more cultured, you know? Plus, I think the author is brilliant. And no neo-nazi jokes please, because just because someone is smart doesn't mean you agree with them. I don't agree with Hitler for the main things he is known for. But to take such a crappy idea and convince so many people of it, it takes a lot of intellect. So why can't I do that? I want to learn how to be so persuasive, because I know in my heart that my opinions are not to cause mass genocide. Haha, in fact, if I could persuade people of anything, it would be to end genocide. There is a good quote in the book though: "retain the essential, forget the non-essential". Now, coming from the mouth of Adolf Hitler, it sounds a little harsh. But in any situation it is very true.

In other news, new Rocket Summer soon!

"Some things won't end up your way, but in the end they'll turn out okay!"

I have two easy finals on Monday, so I am considering school out. It is eleven o'clock on a Friday night, one of my first nights of summer. And I'm at home. I've been home for a half hour. Tonight did not go so well. This whole recluse thing I talked about didn't really happen, but it should. I just want to sleep for three months and wake up when the school year starts again. I'm so sick of people screwing with my emotions over and over and over again. It isn't fair to me, and I'm not strong enough to handle it. I had an acquaintance sit and pull me out of my almost disconsolated state. It was really nice. I just want things to be the way they were last week. Not complicated, and hidden from me. I really don't appreciate my friends keeping things from me, even if they know it'll hurt me. But whatever, whats done is done. And all I can think about is how there is nothing to do in Des Moines and I want to sleep for a long long time.

because I make things hard and you're just trying to help.

This week I think I might just become totally reclusive and listen to nothing but Rufus Wainwright
I dig myself into holes, and I've got a mighty good one to fall into now. I had a nice talk with two friends last night and they gave me great advice. Yet, I can't follow it because I have no courage. None, nada, zip, zilch. So here I am, sitting in the school library with my World Peace Chai just hoping for some inner peace instead.

Once I find a working scanner I'll have about 10000000 pictures to add to this. Yeah, whatever.

Not sorry, not sorry, not sorry, not sorry.

These are my girls. I have so much history with both of them. Good, and plenty of bad. We hated each other a few months back. Forget that. We grew up, got over it, and now everything is back to the way it should be. Yesterday we took a road trip to Ames. It was quite possibly the weirdest evening of the past few months. Between boys, Dave Matthews Band, and Facebook notes, there was plenty of conflict. I don't understand how we always pick the wrong boys. Whether it be that they are just plain stupid, or that there is just no possible way we could ever date them, due to circumstances beyond our control. And how we always have to have at least one major let down each. I don't get it. We are cute girls. We are catty and sassy, and have eye conversations, but other than that, we're nice kids.



Look at this girl. We get called twins by almost every new person we meet. We both have a Jewish nose, and a love for vegetarianism. I think she deserves the best of the best. So suck on that.

I love her no matter what. She can be cute and sweet, or bitchy and harsh. AND ITS AWESOME. She never realizes when she is so blatantly obvious about her emotions, and its always a good time to point them out. That little fight we had a few months ago, hilarious.

I love them.

And I'm sorry I put myself through hell, like you didn't have anyone else to tell.

I dyed my hair.

Mama didn't raise no fool.

I hate feeling like my friends ignore me and have forgotten about me. The people this year I never thought would abandon me.

I like how my friends change with the seasons. Except not.

dresses, J.D. Salinger, Sylvia Plath, Charles Bukowski, sass, The Lifestyle, Maddie, Amanda, Pom, Bane, Genya, Cody, green tea...

my life.