MatthewGardiner2: Ok you're a little crazy

I always try to find who I am. Or at least find some sort of reality about myself. Well, thanks to Matt and a lot of alone time this weekend I've come to some conclusions. I am completely happy. Shock, I know. Since I think so negatively and am always complaining. But at the end of the day if I sit down and think about my life, I don't really regret any of it. And it's not just being regret free, it's that I feel like I've made good choices. I end my day with my prayers and a hint of optimism. I'm at a point where I'm kind of losing my belief in everything. Nothing I knew two months ago is the same as it is now. Before I sound too atheistic, let me clarify. Everything except for my faith in Christ. The one thing that I believe more and more in every day. Thats obviously why I'm happy. Because He is the only one who matters anyway. So when I'm sad and whining about how bad my life is, it's all useless. Matt has also deducted that if my life were a picture it'd look like this: me sitting in a lawn chair watching his life go by and me getting mad at Bryan for not giving me enough attention. Hahahahaha, I can't even deny it. It's all so true. So typical of me. So wonderful, I've got to add that to the cat lady rep now. At least I have one good thing out of three to rely on. Even if Matt's life plummets back to the boring state of vegetation it used to be and I get over the attention thing and lose my cat. Not a bad way to live a life, eh?

they're building you up to tear you down.

Kayla and I watched Clarissa Explains it All. There are, however some things she just can not explain. Mainly the things we don't understand. Oh well, we still love her. We also hate Zach Braff in The Last Kiss. That movie made me hate the entire male gender. I hate cheaters. I got a new kitten from Kayla. I named it Brycie, since its a girl. It was great timing. Yesterday Matt and I were talking and he said I'm going to end up alone at age 60 with lots of The Rocket Summer memorabilia. Kind of like a cat lady, but with Bryce instead. He said his girlfriend (wife at age 60 though ahha) would come over for dinner parties and it'd be them, me and a cardboard cutout. It's very true. So adopting a cat and naming it Bryce didn't really help that cat lady motif. Matt just finds it hilarious. Good to know my best friend cares so much. :) I'm starting to turn incredibly apathetic to a lot of things. I'm cynical, whiney and I frankly don't care. But there are definitely things that will bug me so much. Especially when people are so stupid and have no regards for other people's feelings. Especially when they definitely shouldn't be so dumb. I'm also to the point where I don't really trust again. Because once again, just as things start to look up, I find out a good friend tells people things that I tell her. Stupid little things that don't really matter. Which is the weird part, because I'd understand if I told her something important, but it's really not. So why spread it? So much for friendships eh? I'm really sick of being sick. I'm going on two weeks now. And it's getting worse everyday. I wish it was spring or summer. I'm starting to look forward to fall, because once again, I'm apathetic. Thats so vague and doesn't really make any sense, but a few close people should get it. You know, school starts, people leave. People get forgotten about. MMMMMMMM my favorite. In that movie today there was a really good quote. It goes like this: "What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you love. That's what matters. That's the only thing that counts." Life story.

Oh, and happy seven months to me.

Love ya like a fat kid loves cake!

On Sunday Jon was talking about how us Christians need to share our stories. You know what I'm talking about. But he also said that it is kind of difficult to just come out and tell someone, especially when it hasn't come up in a conversation really. And I realized that I have so many great friends, but I don't know their story. And I have so many great friends, but they don't know my story. And I'll be honest, my story is awesome. So this is my invitation, over Blogger, for my friends to tell me whats up. And this is my asking, over Blogger, for my friends to let me tell them whats up. And then my little heart will be as happy as a caterpillar who has just turned into a butterfly. :)

I always do better when you're at the show

This was a great weekend! yay! except the fact that I have no voice and didn't go to school today. I actually stayed home and watched Diff'rent Strokes. Mmmmm. Whatchu talkin about Lindsey!? fhdkslfjdsk. hahfdks. It felt weird to have a really good weekend after having quite a few bad ones. I'm just so negative. Sunday's show was awesome. Solidarity is sweet. I was glad to see them again, I liked them a lot with Stick To Your Guns. But being in Kayla's garage didn't exactly do wonders for my sore throat. And stupid asian zach got my car stuck in the snow. And it was super frustrating. But Bryan and I got into this HILARIOUS argument. It went something like: bryan-"are you mad at me?" me-"no. i thought you were mad at me" "no i'm just mad at the situation" "oh well i can't ever tell if you're pissed at me or the situation" "duh i'm obviously just frustrated with the situation" "yeah well you act the same way either way and it drives me crazy" "i'm a two beat timpani, i'm happy or mad." "yeah well it drives me crazy. you need to fix it" "i'm tellin ya, i'm a two beat timpani" "you suck and confuse me"

ahhaaaah that all took place in like thirty seconds which is the funniest part. and the volume got louder and louder with both of us trying to win. I thought kayla and Danielle were going to pee their pants it was so funny.

Oh so I signed up for this lost thing
doooo it
www.lost.eu/1fc07

and I miss bre. story of my life
.
cooooool ames life.
cooooool summer life.
cooooool keep and confess life.
cooooool water fight life.
cooooool prison cuddling (hahahfdhsklfjds)
cooooool last day of school life.
cooooool sophomore life.
cooooool zach life. (haha. thats how you sum up bre and i)

Cause you're there when you talk and you're there not to stop and you're with me around the clock

I've come to realize I'm very cynical.

This year, I'm lightning up on ole Saint V.

I don't hate it! For one, I didn't have to go to the STUPID dance. I dislike school dances sometimes. Second, Matt and I went on a valentines shopping extravaganza adventure. Imagine this: my best friend, The Rocket Summer, and v-day gifts. Matt got his girlfriend a GIANT stuffed tiger, hahahahahahah. Today I fought with my parents so I was being a little piss-ant. But Bryan picked me up from school around 10 (I had three hours off in the middle of my day... suck) and luckily I was a little refreshed from my nap (AKA AP Chemistry). So that was a good like break in my day, and flowers never hurt! After school we went to Target and his brother got a Wii and then we went out to dinner with his parents.

For cereal, I didn't do too badly this year.

ALRIGHHHHHHHHHT.

We're going down with the ship!

Two years later I have found a new favorite book. The Perks Of Being A Wallflower is replaced! By none other than The Catcher In The Rye. Same basis really, but Catcher is much more timeless. I feel odd that Holden Caulfield, a character from the 1940's can be so much like I am in the 2000's. Bad grades, lying to his parents, he's pretty much the love of my life. Although I say that about Bryce Avary, Jude Law, and probably many other people, he's on the list. And I'd say he's in good company. My Creative Writing 2 teacher (ugh) said that not many people like Catcher anymore and once again, I'm the lone soldier in that class. How many times do I have to be told I have a weird perspective, seriously! The feeling I get when realizing there are other people like me, and there have been for sixty years is very similar to the feeling of listening to After The Burial while doing homework. You just don't feel so alone and you kind of want to dance. And who doesn't like happiness and dancing!? I really hope most people have read Catcher, and I'm going to read Sidharrtha (or however you spell it) next, and my CW2 teacher says thats a good one for me, but what does she know. Yes, I'm a little angry about that class, hahah.

My pain is mine. It's become my friend with time. Chia-like, it grows.

So having lunch with a friend today (who reads this), I managed to do two things. Destroy a good amount of cream cheese nervously poking it with a knife, and to hear things I didn't want to know but at the same time want to know. And it sucks, I hate a lot of things right now, and I'm nonstop listening to The Rocket Summer. But there are just some things I guess I have no control over. And no matter how much I try, how I do my hair, or how I spend my weekends it doesn't matter. Because people will act the way they want to, and I can't change that. I'm certainly not feeling 100% about things at the moment, but I'm not going to sit around and be sad. It just sucks. But I guess what happens happens, and I have to appreciate what I have.

well, thats the end of my non-specific not helpful rant.

edit:
Today I really love/need
-Ephesians
-Matt Gardiner
-sleep
-Catcher In The Rye

See you there one more time and going back

I'm still pushing the organization I feel strongest about.
If you love me read this.
If you hate me read this.
If you're male read this
If you're female read this.
If you're Christian read this.
If you're "Aethiest" read this.
If you're in high school read this.
If you're in college read this.
If you're breathing and alive read this.

And if you listen to The Rocket Summer, listen to Christmas Present. Listen to it all the way through, all eleven minutes of it. And listen to the last two minutes, there is a couple minutes of silence before it. And that is the most powerful two minutes of the album.

Tell me, do they care?

I started off this year thinking I was going to get along great with a certain teacher. She liked Bukowski, and thought I was a good writer. What else do I need right? Well, about 3/4 of the way through the first semester she caught me texting in class. One time. Oops, mistake, learned from it. Second semester rolls around and I'm suddenly on her hit list. Right before the semester ended I turned in a project I had been working on for an entire month. I had taken pictures to relate to a poem and I had put so much effort into it. She gave me a B- and told me to put effort in next time. I'm sorry if I'm not the best photographer in the world, or if I see things differently than other people. Strike one. I went in to turn in my first semester final, and got more than I bargained for. With Bryan and another student standing in the room, she told me that my workshopping comments are horrible and that I'm horrible at feedback...oh and that she liked my bangs. So instead of telling me in private where I STILL would have felt like a real idiot, she decided to embarass me in front of other people. Strike two. She accused me of texting in class when I was writing in my planner, and proceeded to make me stand up in front of the class to make sure my phone didn't fall out of my lap or anything. It didn't. Strike three. I turned in an assignment for class that I had written about things at Valley. I got 20 copies back today telling me revision ideas and such. I got a lot of "try not to make it sound so whiney" and things like that. Fine, point taken. But from my teacher I got "Who cares what the football player in period thre thinks or the person who asks a lot of questions thinks about your essay?" which was sarcasm about how I wrote this horribly, which was followed by "or the teacher who has no doubt bored you to tears and scolded you for texting, which is all you really like to do anyway?" Instead of just insulting my writing viciously, she insults me. Texting is not my life, and I'm pretty sure I'd pay more attention in her class if she didn't constantly pick on me for texting WHICH I DON'T DO. Strike four. Then, another student told me that she went in to talk to her and my teacher had mentioned my essay. She told her it was written poorly and stupid. Since when were teachers allowed to tell other students the quality of my work? Since when were they allowed to insult it and try to ridicule me in front of a class over and over again? Strike five.

I'm pretty pissed, and I'm starting to really hate writing, the one thing I like. Am I being ridiculous or is there something wrong with the way I'm being treated?

The plans we make will open graves with love.

Well, I can happily say I had one good day this weekend. It started out all cranky, but now I feel great. I think I just needed to get my anger out little bit by little bit throughout the day. Thats how it goes I guess. MMM I just realized I have to go to Valley five times this week. See ya good mood. hahaha

Pack your bags, here it comes

I haven't had a weekend this bad in a really long time. It has just been one of those weekends where you start to look into colleges across the pond, aka England. But of course, I had to be a failure for the past three years and I'm doubting I'll get any college admission, let alone a foreign country. I like the idea of this college: Canterbury Christ Church University in Chatham. It's by London, and my beloved Surrey. That'd be a nice place to spend four years.

Love is so direct, you're exactly what I've waited for.

It's odd how one thing can be so different depending on the context. Confusing sentence, bear with me. Yesterday a kid in my AP Chem class bet that this girl could beat me up. She's not that big, I told him I could take her. They laughed. We decided to fight, and it was pretty funny. It was both of us not knowing how to fight at all and our teacher laughing at us. She picked me up and set me on the ground. I lost. Everyone laughed at me. I was obviously no threat at all. Hilarious. Kat and I went to Southwoods sixth period. The school I was at two years ago was completely locked down. Suddenly we were a big threat. We managed to get inside the even more prisonlike school, and headed to the office for a visitors pass. We were told we weren't allowed in the school at all and that we could come back after school was out. Students there, two years ago, and one year ago. And we were a threat? They have a big LCD monitor showing what doors are locked. Wow. And a camera pointed directly at the entrance to the school. What the heck. Stupidest thing ever. So in four hours I had gone from an easy target to a threat. Odd. It's the same thing as lonliness. Opting to be home alone instead of going to a social gathering where you know you'll be alone. I'd rather be home by myself and truly alone than with a bunch of people and still alone. (cue Jack's Mannequin) haha. I just thought yesterday was a big oxymoron for me. Maybe today will be better?

The mean thoughts and cheap shots, they will not weaken me.

I think I'm starting to become confident. Not cocky, or even secure, but confident. At the oddest time of my life. The time where sometimes I feel so alone and so unsure about things. I can't find anyone to hang out with 9/10. Well, besides the people I usually do. And I love those people to death, but its an odd feeling. I lost my friends, did horribly in school, and fought with my parents more than ever. But somehow I became happier and more stable (well, that's my opinion). So how does that happen? I'll tell you how: you realize what is important. I know what I want to do in life, not exactly but I've got a general idea. I have good friends with the same morals and choices as me. They don't bring me down and I always have a great time. I stopped being so naive and realized that my family may suck, but I don't have to let it bring me down too. And most importantly I've realized that everything God does is really for a reason. I knew that in the first place, but I suddenly saw it applied to my life all over the place. So I know that if I do what I'm supposed to and I am the person I should be that things will work out. I don't let things make me upset and I have trust that everything will be okay. I'm starting to be able to walk into a room of people I don't know and not have a panic attack. If someone doesn't like me from the get go then that's not a problem. I'm not just having confidence in myself, but in everything. I have confidence that I can do better in school, that people aren't always out to get me, and that I can pull myself out of any situation. I guess that is still confidence in myself, but I meant outside appearances and things. Of course the appearance thing is still the least confident, but I'm not going to pull the pity card like I would have a year ago. I'm used to myself, and anything I don't like I can't change, physically. So why not change the personality glitches and choices I make. In the end, the things that have affected me haven't been fun. But as Amanda told me "if all this crap hadn't been going on you wouldn't be who you are today." So with that, I say boo and yah and head off to bed to get some sleep before another pointless week of school. (I still think school would be 10x funner if Jude Law was my teacher. omgggg)

Isolation is a four letter word

Last night I had some pretty horrible dreams. Bryan cheated on me, I failed junior year and had to go to school again with all the sophomores (ick!), and other stuff. Well, what a fabulous feeling I had when I woke up. I asked Bryan if he ever felt like that after a bad dream and he gave me that "you're nuts" look and said no. So although Bryan's all knowing opinion isn't everyones, I'm starting to feel like I'm the only one who does that. I don't know what it was. But I was so angry today. Because of school and some girl who didn't have a face since she was a dream blur. hahaha. I think its a little bit ridiculous that because of eating cheese or something too close to bed my next day was ruined. If you don't get the cheese thing, watch How The West Was Won with Mary Kate and Ashley. :). So right about now I'm pretty angry at my mind. I'm in a good mood finally, but I'm so mad that unreal things hurt me so badly. But, one thing that never fails to cheer me up is Kayla Lewis. We're obviously really cool when we wake up! We sat on in Luke's basement and took like 839472 pictures last Saturday. Cool life!

And I'm sorry I sound glad, but why always be so sad!

The past month was amazing.

And I walk alone tonight outside my house and outside my mind

Shows quite frankly piss me off. I always seem to be in a bad mood at a show. I just hate the whole scenario. Sometimes I walk around outside to calm me down. Its nice when it's cold because then I'm forced to cheer up fast. Last night I went on a walk. But truly not because I was in a bad mood. Bryan had left his camera in my purse and I figured I'd go take pictures while he was watching some band. So I went outside and started wandering around the East Village. I'm not very smart to do this all the time, seeing as it was dark cold and I'm a 110 pound girl alone downtown. Smoooooth. But I've never been raped killed or kidnapped. So whatever! I was walking around trying to find good stuff to take pictures of. It was kind of hard since it was so dark out, and flash makes everything icky. So I ended up with a lot of neon and streetlight lit signs and parking meters. Taking a picture of the rainbow sign outside of the gay bar (hahah I took that one just so that Bryan would be reallllllly happy when he turned on his camera...hahahahah), I met a girl. She was walking around with a really nice digital SLR and taking pictures as well. Her name is Ashley and she works at Starbucks. Her brother got a camera and doesn't know how to use it and just has it to have one. She spent the past few days taking pictures in the skywalks. Friday she drove past the Historical Building and wanted to take pictures on the top of it, but her camera battery died just then. I'm not stalking this girl, I'll probably never see her again in my life. She's only been to House of Bricks once and seems a little Hot Topic. But just because we were both walking around taking pictures of gay bars and shoes on benches we were able to get a conversation going. It was so weird to me that I learned more about her in about ten minutes than I know about a lot of people I've known for years. I guess that's the way you make friends when you don't have to go to school. I went back inside and of course I was asked what was wrong. I'm obviously not very good at hiding my emotions and people have started to notice I go outside when I'm upset. After a little convincing I proved to them that I was in fact feeling fabulous. And that was that. The pictures I took weren't exactly good by any means. Maybe one of a parking meter with a blurry blood center in the backround was cool, but the others were below mediocre and looked like I was trying too hard. Which I was. But at the end of the night I ended up with a good parking meter picture, frostbite, a break from the smoky air, and a picture that Bryan continued to show off throughout the night. Of course it was of him, but whatever I took it. Hahahah, score. So I guess I shouldn't ever go into shows but rather wander around downtown. I have a feeling I'm going to spend a lot of time alone down there, it's super nice. I love downtown more than anything.

"We used to be pussweeds, but now we're metal!"

There's something to be said about new starts. Two days into the new semester I feel fabulous. I have a free period, and I have a feeling that even if I don't do my homework in it, a break will be nice opposed to a class. I have a feeling that will help me out a lot. It also is great timing. Everything in my life is changing a lot, and I think starting new is exactly what I need. I'm starting to come to terms with why things are the way they are. I understand the reasons I'm friends with certain people, and not friends with certain. I understand why I make certain choices and I understand why God puts me in situations that may not be fun. After realizing all of this, I've realized I'm a spoiled brat and I'm slightly (okay, a lot) on the selfish side. And as much as I don't want to change, I need to at some point. My counselor says she thinks I think things through very well and put things together nicely. I am starting to be more optimistic and open minded and understanding. And I don't know why. All I know is the last few weeks of the last semester I was super stressed out. I had to take tests over material I hadn't learned at all. A whole semester of learning. And with things going on with friends, and future planning. Oy. And to top it off, my parents were all pissy with me, mainly because of my grades. But I still had it easy. I should have done my work from the beginning. I understand that. But I have a whole 180 days to do that now. To prove that I can accomplish something. If I don't have school stressing me out, everything is easier. I don't get so uptight and rude and I get along with my parents. Which is one less thing for me to complain about. So pretty much I'm super psyched for this semester. I'm psyched to get everything back on track. And to top it off, I'm seeing friends who I didn't see at all this summer or first semester. People who have been great friends for me since forever. And with the Pella show Friday, and the HOB show Saturday, this weekend is booked and I'm ready!

Again and again, civilization wraps her hands around the neck of nature with a ceaseless grasp we choke.

So here's my angry rant at the government. Okay, well maybe not the government, but the human services people. Pretty much the jerks (restraining my language a lot there) who drive around with their stupid snow shovels on the front of their trucks. See I was outside shoveling my driveway. And I actually like doing it. I got out of chores for the day for it, and I got to go play in the snow. I loved not having school and having a place to think and freeze my butt off. I was just perfectly content. Then, the stupid jerks pulled up and thought they would help me. It turned out to be one of those things where someone tries to help you, but just makes you so mad you want to throw your snow shovel at them. They shoveled my driveway for me and while that is a great thing to most people, I wanted to pop their tires and ruin their day too. So now I'm stuck doing chores again on my day off, and my snow is dirty. Dirty, icy, and piled up. I tried to stop them, but they just told me to move. I was trying to pull one of those stand in front of the thing you don't want destroyed moves. But when a giant snow shovel is coming toward you you tend to move. I hate those jerks and I want to call the city and complain about them. I'm pretty sure that's called trespassing and they should go to jail. Yes, I'm this angry over my stupid driveway. And all my mom can say is "oh my gosh! who is that!?!" THEY'RE NOT GOING TO KILL YOU MOM. JUST RUIN MY DAY. As you can see I kind of hate them right now. And the next time I see one of their stupid trucks I'm going to throw a snowball at it. Jerks.

Keep it locked up inside like a secret you can't refuse

Those are my Mukluks. They do absolutely nothing but match a rare outfit or two. I wore them yesterday, thinking "Oh, I wore them in a Minnesota semi-blizzard, I can wear them here!" I neglected to realize that in Minnesota I wore them outside maybe three times. Well, by the end of the night my feet were soaked and I was wearing Bryan's socks and Converses. They're something like this:

only red instead of black. So I looked ridiculous no matter which way you spun it. I don't know how much I like looking ridiculous. I love the mukluks, I love the price (8.99!!!), I love the comfort, but I hate the discomfort of having my feet soaking wet. I've come to a big fork in the road. One way points to love for the shoes, the other points to sticking with size 10 Converses and ballet flats. I just don't know what to do. I have a feeling all of this is caused from the subliminal torture of my soul caused by The Lifestyle breaking up. The band I've loved since ninth grade that I make fun of constantly so that people don't know I love them. Gone. Forever. And ever. I don't know what to do, but cry. Cry and wear mukluks.


What is my life coming to.

Creative Writing final.

Final reflection

“Sometimes you walk the line, and sometimes the line walks you.” I think that definitely describes my struggle with writing. I realized that there are some things I’m good at and some I’m just plain terrible at. I just have to deal with it and go with what I know. Over the semester I feel I improved at writing significantly. It might have been the fact that I got new ideas for how to write and what to write. Or it could have been the simple fact that I had a chance to actually write regularly. I realized what types of writing I enjoy, and which ones I’m bad at. I discovered what made me write well, and I also had a wonderful case of writers block for about two to three weeks. I feel like I lived a lifetime of a writer through a semester. Struggling, critiques, hating my own writing, writers block, and occasionally feeling good about what I’ve written.

One thing I don’t feel too fabulous about still is my short story. I chose my story “More Adventurous” just for the simple fact that it was the story I spent the most time on. I struggled with finding ideas and putting them onto paper. I think after a lot of work it came out adequate, but nothing I’d really show off. Stuff like “Being Jenny wasn’t as fun as knowing Jenny.” told more than showing, but I couldn’t seem to figure out how to show that. I think the main idea of the story is good, like if I heard about what it was I’d like it, but after reading it I’d chance my mind drastically. I wish I would have elaborated more on the last two paragraphs. That is where she is actually shown changing and that’s the turning point of the story. I condensed it all into two paragraphs that kind of resembled the “wrap-up” dialogue at the end of movies. You know, so and so went on to do this and this and this. Great for a movie, bad for a story. Re-reading it now, I actually despise this story, but none of my other stories were anywhere near decent, so when your best story is something you hate I guess you realize that short stories just aren’t your thing.

On a less harsh note, I think I used good choices of words when I was doing all that telling. “By the end of the week she had figured out why General Hospital was better than Days of Our Lives.” I like that line, soap operas are known to be entertainment for bored sick kids, and bored mothers. I also think everyone knows a Jenny. The character itself was relatable, everyone knows the person who is so perfect but so alone at the same time. At age sixteen or seventeen, not many teenage girls get along well with parents, so although Jenny was older than that, that was something I think people would connect with. I really like the random “On a cold Thursday in March,” it seems like I was trying to seem all formal and very Plath like. Although the sentence itself is sort of one of those types of “nature crap” I dislike, the fact that I wrote it makes me laugh at myself, and like my variety of writing a little more. Of course when I say like my variety, I mean laugh at the random things I will throw into one story. I also really liked the title I picked. At first you’d think Jenny was adventurous and living life on the “edge” or whatever mature people say. But then you realize that it will take more courage for Jenny to stop destroying her own life, and that makes her much “More Adventurous.” I also learned over this semester that punctuation goes within the quotation marks. I just thought I’d make that clear after thinking about where it goes so many times in this monster of a paragraph.

As far as my poetry goes, I like this a little more. Most of it I struggled with, and didn’t do well with. Right before my writer’s block I wrote three I liked a lot. I liked the one about water, I think I got that from seeing some of my friends get really drunk and be stupid, I then valued water a lot more. The one about my friend’s mom dying, when Taylor told me that story, it was basically a poem in itself. I managed to make a few friends tear up at that one, in a good way. The one I liked most was “Take It as It Comes.” To be honest, I struggled very hard to create a persona. I managed to do it well, but only with a good amount of help. When I mean a good amount of help, I mean I looked at the life of someone else. If you were to read a biography about Jim Morrison, of the Doors, you could summarize it with my poem. I’m not sure if that fit the assignment or not, so I neglected to say anything until now. I created a persona though, and so I think that’s all that matters. Aside from stealing Jim’s life, I think I wrote the poem well. I liked the juxtaposition between James and Jim. The whole second stanza where he says stuff he should do/be shows two things. It shows what is acceptable and what he should do, and also what he is not. The whole “People know who I am. /People don’t know who I am. /I know who I am. /I have no idea who I am.” was actually original. I realized that people knew who Jim Morrison was, but they didn’t know actually who he was. I think I showed that well. I also think the repetition with slight variation is helpful to understanding the character more. I think a lot about how a person’s motives and ideas are only understood by themselves, and that came out in this poem. I also think the first person form helped believe and understand the character. To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what it is about this poem I like so much, but I do. Maybe that’s a good thing that you can’t analyze what you like, maybe it means it just gives off a good feeling. I’d like to go with that.

On the contrary, the whole unoriginal issue still makes me mad. It frustrates me that I couldn’t think of a persona, and while the poem turned out okay, I maybe could have come up with one on my own. I also don’t think most people my age would understand this poem. Or most people in general. By throwing in references to Nietzsche and Paris and the age twenty-seven could easily throw people off. Of course, hardcore Doors fans would instantly know who this is about. If I read a poem like this, which I do quite often (it’s the downside of being a huge Buk fan), I wouldn’t really understand why Paris and other things were thrown in there. I also don’t like the title of this piece. I just took a title from a Doors song, but I think it contradicts the poem to the fullest. Jim talks about how he just wants to die and how he’s already on his way. The title somewhat encourages optimism, and the mentality of not becoming overwhelmed. Also, the first mini-stanza could be elaborated on much more. I should have put that further in the poem and added things about leaving college and drinking too much. I guess one stanza out of nine isn’t too bad for a poem written between classes though. I know, five minutes to do an assignment, I do what I can.

My favorite narrative is one that I have no use for. I chose “Chaos” because although it was another “type-a-quick-story-at-lunch” kind of deal, it turned out well. If I don’t panic and have time to dwell on my lack of creativity I tend to write better. That’s why I’m writing this assignment three hours before it’s due, and I’m proud of that procrastination. Anyway, I found this assignment to be pretty easy for me. I had actually just re-decorated my room and spent days scouring through Rolling Stone, Vogue, books, The Bible, and old pictures for a new “wallpaper.” Since my personal style is very contradictory of itself, it made the whole juxtaposition deal a lot easier. The whole narrative is based around juxtaposing two very unlike things and word choice. I really like the part about my mirror having lyrics on it where I said “I have no desire to actually see myself in this mirror, but to see This Is Me.” Tricky stuff right there. I feel like if there is someone who actually understands all of my references, they would know me very well by the end of this. At the end though, I talked about not being able to fall asleep in my own bed. The whole tone was sort of changed. It went from learning about things I like and how disorganized I am to realizing that I am still a person and I have a good amount of problems to keep me up all night. I think the part with the mirror foreshadows that. The part about throwing clothes around my room for a date also shows that I’m a real human with emotions and not just literature. I hope that this would make someone use Google an insane amount with an interest of what all the weird things I mention are.

As I said in the poem, I think my references could be destructive though. If you understand a few of them you could probably get the general gist of things, but I don’t explain for people who don’t. I reference Buk and Nietzsche to contrast other things, but without knowing about them and who they are is somewhat useless. “Anti-aids campaign posters from Rolling Stone on the other side of Buk” is a direct reference to his poem “Before AIDS” (The Last Night of the Earth Poems), where he talks about how glad he is he had so much sex before the outbreak of AIDS. Placing Nietzsche next to a Bible is also contrasting views, but unless you know that Nietzsche encourages an Anti-Christian morality, that irony might be lost. I hate that I didn’t elaborate on whose comforter I sleep with. Adding that I sleep on a little bed with my eight year old brother’s blanket probably could have shown what I was talking about littleness even more. I guess I already talked about him where I said “the children’s section of GAP, and my eight year old brother’s sweaters.” and that shows my use of his stuff, but I think the comforter thing is just left out there to hang and conclude itself. I also wish I had separated the last paragraph into two. I could have talked about my cell phone and helping my friends in one paragraph, and then my inability to sleep in the next. I should have put the paragraph about my bed right before that to show why the sheets are always tangled. Although I still could change a lot on this narrative, I don’t have any use for it in the future, so I think I’ll use that time to do something less productive.

Overall, I think this class has been more beneficial to me than any other ones. I don’t see a point in taking math and science when all I want to do is write. I realize that if I hadn’t had a break during the day just to read and write, I would have done even worse this semester in all my other classes. I don’t know if that’s much possible, but I’m sure taking Foods or Film Appreciation wouldn’t have helped me out as much. I am trying to switch out of Mod American Lit for Creative Writing 2, because I really don’t think that class will do much for me. I pretty much consider Bukowski to be the most influential on my writing. I’m not going to be a professional reader, so I’d rather be writing. I think I would focus on the narratives and poems most if I had a choice. I feel like I can only write about my experiences or someone I know. Overall I think I’ve improved a lot this semester on certain things, and stayed the same on some. I want to pursue some sort of writing as a career, but I don’t have enough skill, interest in journalism, or ideas of what to do. I don’t want to end up with an English major and think “haaaaaah, what do I do with this?” So that’s pretty much it. I don’t know if I have any words in my brain left. I still need to shower, eat breakfast and turn this in by noon.

I got a 97% on that. meh.