dear missing piece, I've missed you since the day we met.

One of my best friends did this, and I figured this was a better place for it than MySpace.

These are in random order to make them more discreet?

1. I've known you longer than almost anyone in Iowa and I'm so glad we finally got our problems worked out. You have a big heart that gets in the way of your decisions sometimes, and I hope to never use you as the crutch other people have. You mean more to me than nearly anyone, and I want the best for you.

2. You have shown me what honesty and a little courage can do. You've shown me love you show no one else. I miss your good moods and hope that things do get better one day. You of all people deserve the best. I find it sad that you are one of the most genuine, good hearted people in my life, yet you base your life around superheroes. I'm starting to think introducing Vonnegut to me was also one of the best things you've done.

3. You have my heart. Every emotion I act on, every time I fall, you are there. I don't realize the way you care most of the time, but I know deep down that "cutesy" words aren't what is important. I hope to get a firm grasp on that the way you obviously already have. No matter what I say, I know that the love you show me is so much more valuable than any compliment you can ever give. I do have a hard time forgiving you for a few things, but you have more than proved yourself.

4. I find you so easy to relate to. At first our friendship was based around how much we worry about someone and how much we want him to get better. Then it was connecting on a spiritual level. Having someone who is in my exact situation has helped my confidence in Christianity and my own faith immensely. I know we're nerdy and play video games too much, and hang out primarily in book stores, and bash Young Adult Lit books, but it means a lot to me to have such a solid friend my age with my interests.

5. You used to be such a terrible person. I don't even see you as the same as I used to. I honestly forget I knew you back then. I hate that this change happened after you lost your faith. I hope you can find that again, and I know you were genuine about it. We are so much fun, and I have no problem saying that. People love us. I know you have my back, and I have yours. I love how every time we hang out we walk in circles and talk about stuff. But we also know how to party hard!!


I'm waking up for the first time.

But words mean nothing when you can’t back them up and you’re not worth my time so go get fucked.

My journey to misanthropy has finally come to a conclusion. It's funny how when Genya tells me "I love you so much Lindsey, please don't give up on people you know that there are good people out there. And I promise you that I'll never let you down, okay?" I can hear myself saying the exact same thing to Cody hundreds upon hundreds of times. And when I think "If I don't depend on anyone, no one can let me down." I hear Cody telling me that hundreds of hundreds of times. I can tell you this much, I don't want to hate everyone. I don't want to turn into the hate filled person Cody is, and I know how miserable he is. We even talked about this on my way home from Ames at four in the morning. Haaaah. I am blessed that I have productive(ish) stable coping mechanisms. Where Cody has the internet, I have Jesus, The Bible, other books, and even Mario Kart. I just can't seem to find good people to surround myself with. Everyone lets me down. I just keep choosing the wrong people to let back into my life. I forgive always, I become friends with the person again all too often. I always choose the wrong ones though. From now on, people have two chances with me. If they blow it, they blow it. I'm not letting people screw me over all the time anymore. I got pushed to the edge when people let me down six different times yesterday. SIX. I've decided against anyone but Bryan, Cody, Dylan, Nick and Genya. No one is worth my time anymore. I just can't trust that I'm not going to end up getting hurt by other people's stupidity. I made a vow never to sleep in my Jeep again. I refuse to wake up in Lot 60 to the sounds of drunk people at 2:30 am. To not be able to sleep because I'm shivering my brains out. I'm at such a loss for words now, I think I'll just sleep the rest of this weekend. All I know is I won't be in Ames until I can find some decent friends.

You've so convinced me theres a life worth living for

Okay, I avoided it in my last post.

I'm having a really bad week. We don't need to say why, but it sucks. I've wrathed a few undeserving people, and one girl who needed a life lesson. I know in my heart that being mean is not the right thing to do, but between being a senior and trying to compensate for my own hurting has pushed me so far away from what I want to do. I don't know how long I'll let it go on. I'm on an insane power trip and I'm going to let it take its course a little bit longer. I love the friends who have actually been there for me the past two days though. I've had fun times on top of bad days. Not much beats that.








(me and nick fishing in animal crossing!!!)

We are the bright lights in these dark times.

Hahahahaha.
Sweet sign brah!

I officially have that syndrome so stupidly coined "Senioritis".
I have such easy classes this semester, life is a breeze right now. I feel like skipping first period almost daily. I get out at 1:15 or 1:45 every day. Wednesday I'm at school from 9:45 to 1:15. Not bad at all. I spend first period in Independent Lit Survey reading Mein Kampf, and occasionally playing my DS Lite. My next class is French 3, which I'm re-taking for a better grade and a filler class. Then photo, where I sit and watch how naive all the n00bie sophomores are and look up vegan recipes online. Fifth I have Advanced Contemporary Lit, where I sit and stare at my teacher, haha ;). Sixth I have Advanced Composition, so I actually have homework assignments that I don't mind doing at all. I've been out late every night this week. Enjoying my life as much as possible. Making Thai noodles with tofu and drinkin soy Chai. Today, Genya and I are making Vegan Brownies and Snickerdoodles. So frickin solid.

Sup n00bs.
Make your own KFC sign at peta2.com

Your victims have been voiceless so we've spoken for them

Vegan: a strict vegetarian : one that consumes no animal food or dairy products

I cut eggs from my diet. Now I've started drinking soy milk only. I next am cutting cheese and yogurt from my diet. Then after that it gets serious. I have to watch everything I eat and avoid all dairy and animal products. I'm more excited for this I have been for anything in a while. One more standard of living for me to hold myself to. One more goal to reach. One more thing to be proud of.

Thanks Iowa State Fair for showcasing the fact that most animals are only raised to be killed. Thanks a lot.


“On November 17, 2003, [an employee] twisted the neck of a live chicken until the
head popped off; he then used what remained of the bloodied body of the chicken to
write graffiti on the wall.”

“On November 17, 2003, [an employee] intentionally squeezed two live chickens so
hard that feces squirted out of them. [He] directed the feces into the eyes of seven
other live chickens, exclaiming, ‘They shit all over us every day.’”

“On December 22, 2003, [an employee] placed a live chicken on the floor and jumped on the bird; the
bird exploded under his weight, and her intestines were visible.”

“On April 9, 2004, [an employee] placed a latex glove over the head of a live chicken and watched as
the chicken gasped for air and then died.”

I refuse to ever step foot into another KFC
heartless.

Where is your faith

Done with Tropical Sno. Done with summer. Done with adolescence. I sort of stole the latter idea from a friend, but it makes sense. In two days I start the last year of high school. And that is so awesome. I'm ready to be a big kid. After spending the night/day in Ames and having it during the school year, I'm itching for it. The past two days were so nice. ATA's last show. Bittersweet, but not dramatic. Typical ATA fashion I guess. Hanging out, getting lost in Friley. Awkward hellos during awkward goodbyes ;). Mario Kart. 3:45 fire drills. 4 am trips to Wallace to hang out. Basically having therapy in that 2.5 hours. Only sleeping less than 3 hours. Cornerstone messages that speak directly to me and make me so full of emotion. Seeing Cliff at the UDCC. Hanging out with Tyler, and Facebooking?

Then, my life snapped back to reality and I had to come back to Des Moines. Bum out.

I hate everyone, and everything

I'm so stressed out I can't handle it. Tropical Sno is ruining my life, day by day. I feel forced to work long hours, with kids who don't know what they're doing in the first place. The kind of people that shouldn't be working there are, and it is the most aggravating situation yet. I miss my friends. I miss working with Aubrey because even though she was lame at working, we had the best time ever. All Bryan and I do is work and sleep. Work work work, sleep sleep sleep. Get up too early, go to bed too late, be crabby the next day. Vicious vicious cycle. I don't want school to start again. I don't like girls my age. I don't like guys my age. Minus like, two. I don't like Valley. I want to be in Ames with all my friends. I know I'm going to need them a lot this year, and I hope I can arrange that. I love my friends so much. I love sitting on bridges over highway 30 at 1 am and just talking about "surprise sex" and other things like that. Having dramatic battles with Cody, and getting home hours after curfew. I love Dylan and Carlos, and being bitter and spiteful, and trying to ruin lives. I have a great senior schedule though, filled with English classes. No math, no science. I just need God to keep me informed on who to know and who not to know. To trust that when I go with my heart, it is for a good reason. We'll see what this year brings. Hopefully not too much lonliness and stupidity.

#23

"He is retarded. There are things that he understands. He can get along on his own ok. The doctors say that his condition is deteriorating rapidly. Last year he understood this, now it isn't clear. He has never touched a woman. He knows that he never will. He eagerly awaits the day when he no longer feels the attraction for them. As it is right now, it hurts so much, so deeply, that he cries and loses control of himself. He has caused many embarrassing moments for his family. They don't what know what his problem is, why all of a sudden he'll cry and start to scream. They can't take him out anymore. He is smart enough to know that he's not like the rest of them. He waits for this deep pain to end."

This is part of a book I wish I hadn't put off buying. You know, a friend tosses the name around, you see it at Barnes and Noble multiple times, pick it up quite a few times. The guy from Black Flag, that band you should listen to, but don't. The band you want to listen to, but don't. You see American Hardcore, you see that this guy isn't another burnout and he knows his stuff. You go to Barnes and Noble. You buy Black Coffee Blues by this guy. You sit at Java Joe's waiting for your vegetarian Canadian Bacon sandwich. You read the first few pages. You want to read more. You eat your sandwich outside of Vaudeville Mews. You read the book. You get offered marijuana. You find the blurbs presented in this section more interesting than the local band, or the pipe five feet away. You show a friend, you tell another friend to read it. You carry it around in your purse. You want more from this author. You write blogs about the book.

Thank you Henry Rollins.

revolution!

Destroy everything.

I've really enjoyed this week. I haven't gotten to see Bry much, but that is the only downfall. I've hung out with Genya a lot, and I'm so glad. She is one of the only girls I can actually stand to be around. I hate females. With a burning passion. I hate being one. So it was nice to have a good week with one, ya know what I mean? Hanging out with Nick was fun today too. It is nice having someone my age who understands where I'm coming from on so many high school frustrations. Like people who read bad literature, and people who get drunk every night. Its also nice to have someone to talk about Christianity with and not feel inferior. Coming from the same religious background helps enormously. I faced my fears and went into Mayhem today. The comic book store on Lincoln Way. The nerds hate me and I went in there, being all brave and stuff. I wish I was brave in other aspects of my life. I wish Cody wasn't so right all the time. About me being too nice and how its stupid I don't stand up for myself. I truly feel like Bryan and Cody are the only people who look out for me and want the best for me. And I'm not saying that to be passive aggressive. But the two most honest people in my life are honest because they're sick of me being upset. I'm freaking out about Bryan going to Minnesota. I'm glad Code will be in Ames this year though. Even if he's being stupid and anti-social, it'll be helpful.

I bought a prepaid phone so that I can text again. Social anxiety outlet!

To look into my heart was to look into hell

hahah, i love my life and love my friendssssssssssssssssss
genya adventures and ames/nick adventures r00l!

You tell me what to say, and when to say it. You tell me what to do, and how to do it.

Probably the best week ever. Get ready. Thats only Monday.

Oh, and P frickin S:
If one more person tells me not to dye my hair and criticizes my choices, I think I'm going to snap. Stay out of my life and my choices, because I can and will make my own decisions. I'm seventeen, I've been dying my hair since the seventh grade. I'm pretty sure I'm more experienced with it that anyone who has told me how bad it is for my STILL HEALTHY hair. I don't understand why my choices are actually supposed to be everyone elses. I just wish people would leave me alone and not tell me who to hang out with, or what to wear, or what to listen to, or how to dye MY fuggin hair. I like the music I listen to, I like the people I hang out with, I like the clothes I wear. Just because its not what you like, or who you like, doesn't mean I don't. I'm so frustrated I just want to get out of here.


...oops. angry rant

A cat is just a cat.

It is four am.

Histories

It's coming to a head. Tensions are building up inside, crashing towards an ugly end. I can't think straight and my mind is shut when I'm in this state. I'm just a kid with a key hole heart, locked up and shut down by hate. Sometimes love is not enough to clear my clouded head. Mind like fist, closed and violent. Hands knuckled white, twisting emotions against themselves, stealing form my life. Anger is a loyal companion, it won't leave me alone. We walk the streets together at night, a faithful friend like a thorn in my side. Sometimes love is not enough to clear my clouded heart, strangled by a mistrust. Sometimes love is not enough. I'm trying to sort through the way I feel and getting nowhere quick. This chip on my shoulder feels more like a ten pound brick. You want to know what's smashing through my mind? Well, take a number and get in line. I'm being pulled in two difference directions: love and hate, getting confused inside.

I wish I wrote that.
Thanks Go It Alone for the life story

What makes us strong

My life is so sweet. Stayin up all night, havin good talks with good dude friends, realizing who really means most to me, sittin in my star wars underwear, discussin politics, facebooking aimlessly, driving to ames daily, eatin Jimmy Johns everyday, only listening to Bane, Modern Life Is War, Go It Alone, Ceremony, and Give Up The Ghost, lovin my kitten.

"I can't sleep while she's lovin me!"

Controvery. Scandal. Pre-marital sex.
Seriously, I have my opinions on it, and I'm strong on them. I believe that pre-marital sex is stupid and wrong. You can start with the biblical reasons.
Acts 15:29
You are to abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality. You will do well to avoid these things. Farewell.
Romans 1:24
Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.
1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.
Hebrews 13:4
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

And it goes on...and on...and on.
I don't think that if you are ready/have committed yourself to a person, that you are ready to sleep with them. I see it all too often that there are relationships that are ridiculously pointless, and you wonder why someone puts up with that kind of stuff. And then, you find out they're having sex. Attachment. If I'm so attached to someone that I can't break up with them no matter what, I don't want it to be over something physical. And to get married, and know that someone has already been doing whatever they want with someone else, or anyone else, that'd break my little heart. It just isn't fair to the people you're actually going to be with for the rest of your life, in my opinion.

Somewhere, somehow, everything has changed

"I wish that I could spread my arms so wide that I could wrap them around everyone I've ever known and loved. Protect them from the crashing waves. The storms that will take us all one at a time. The unheard goodbyes that we are never ready to whisper. Turning once strong men into lost little boys, standing well dressed staring into six-foot holes"

Brand New? As Cities Burn? Rilo Kiley?

BANE.



I don't think people give the music I listen to enough credit.

I think I'll leave it at that.
Before I insult Dave Matthews and Dierks Bentley and make myself out to be the total hypocrit I am.

If only time flew like a dove

A wedding and therapy session. Yikes. Talk about an emotional week. I went to Pella with Kayla and we went to THE cutest wedding ever. It was a friend of hers from high school, and I swear, although I didn't know anyone there I wanted to cry. Weddings are so cute. I love seeing people in love, but I couldn't help but think about divorce. That sounds so bad, and I'm not saying anything about the people in this particular wedding. It reminds me of that Paramore line: "I've seen love die, way too many times, when it deserved to be alive". True that Haley Williams. I bet my parents were happy at their wedding. So what happened then? What happened to "love never fails"? It is a scary and controversial topic. I'm taking a risk here, but I'm not sure that anyone in high school has the mental capacity to know what "love" is. I just don't see how it is possible. That is just my opinion, but nothing has changed my mind. But I guess I can't talk about what I'm unexperienced in. Someone prove me wrong, and show me a high school relationship that I can't argue against being love. I know I have NO right to say who loves who and stuff, but when signs are there, I'll see em and call em.
I went in for my last medicine check yesterday. I decided that therapy and medicine are not working for me, and I need to figure my life out myself. I don't want to be on 300mg of an anti-depressant. Age 17 shouldn't hold so many struggles. My doctor said that he is concerned that I show so many apathetic signs. I'm sorry, but there are things I just don't care about. He also said that my emotional state is very "fragile and easy to break". Kaboom. Atomic bomb right there. That is the last thing I'd ever like to hear about myself. I'd rather be called a whore or something. But what Dr. said is too true, and scares me. I want to be a strong person. I want to not have so many ups and downs. But no one wants to be called fragile. In my mind he might as well be calling me so many worse things.
So yeah, it was an emotional few days.
Good days, but emotional.

Ps: Pressure by Paramore is one of my all time favorite songs.

Explain to me, this conspiracy against me

Bryan won't watch Bambi with me. And I just remembered how cute bunny rabbits are. I want a big lot with 15,00 bunnies running around and enjoying themselves.

Some days, they last longer than others

I'm only excited to see two people when I get home. That is majorly depressing. If it weren't for them I'd probably just stay out here all summer. Screw senior pictures, screw Iowa shitty hardcore shows, screw humidity.