I've spent my life questioning everything

Whoah, long time no blog!
The true sign that things are going well for me.
This school change was the best idea my mother has ever had. I already feel immersed in the love of God and I feel a change already. The reluctance I felt even a week ago is quickly dissipating. A trip to California made me realize a lot of things about my dad, and start to forgive him. Amazingly. I have the most amazing people in my life. I wouldn't have it any other way. In health today we were talking about depression, and I realized I wake up truly happy now. Such a change from sixth grade, from seventh, from eighth, all the way up until May. I remember being such a downer around that time, I don't know what changed. I have had one true bad mood in the past month. It used to be the exact opposite.

Please take my life and use it, I'm ready.

I'm making the choice to come clean about some things. I'm putting this on the internet because it it benefits no one to keep it in my head. I don't want to hide things, nor do I want to keep them this way. That being said, this is not easy for me.


My struggle with faith is coming to a fork in the road. Christianity is always a struggle, but I keep to myself about it, for the most part. A few close friends and I have been talking a lot today about our struggles. Most likely provoked by talking to someone at the show in Ames on Saturday. This guy was going around asking about how we were with our faith. What? No one actually cares about where other people stand with Christ! No one actually out of the blue will offer to help. I'm so envious of the way he goes about his life. While to non-believers, it was annoying and unwanted, to at least three of us it made a huge impact. I am admitting that I have not fully given my life to God. I am holding back huge parts of my soul. Being a Christian is so hard, and I haven't put in the effort. For a couple of months I've been trying to remain a Christian, and failing at that. I know in the back of my mind, and in my heart that I haven't given Christianity the shot it deserves. I was contemplating giving up on something that I never really understood in the first place. I have encouragement now, and have been opened up to people who stand at the same place as I do. One of my closest friends, raised Christian, chose Atheism, is more vocal with his faith now than he ever was. A friend who I used to see eye to eye with, and he fell away, and then I started to slip, now is truly giving it a shot. I'm not going to let these people fail, I will lift them up and encourage them as they will do for me. I am truly choosing God this time, not just giving it a trial run. I really do regret living as a "Christian". I will until I truly have become one with God. I don't want any of this fake Christian stuff anymore. I'm not calling myself a Jesus follower until I actually follow through. I don't want to contribute to the bad name Christians already have at my age. I'm terrified to actually change the way I live my life. I'm terrified to actually do what God tells me to do. I'm terrified to go beyond the realizations of God's work, and the occasional reading of my bible. I'm scared to do more than pray to a God I don't honor every night. Because that is what I truly do.

I'm leaving myself vulnerable and open right now. I need this more than anything.

This is me saying words I actually mean.

This weekend, as always, was amazing. Wii parties, Ames life, accidentally touching tongues with Josh Ladd, Welching it up, the Quaz's house, being with Genya all weekend.

Come on guys, lets get it going on!

I hate when people act like they know everything about something they've only known for less than two months. You don't know jack. Stop acting like it.



^^My Genya

But what I hold in my heart is real

This is my 100th post, just throwing that out there.

I just feel like writing some more, publicly.

I'm sittin in my onesies, about to go watch American Hardcore and eat soy ice cream, and things couldn't be better. I'm excited for the weekend, and excited for life. Did some more senior pictures, s to the toked, STOKED. Just for the record, does everyone think its creepier for Justin to send me private messages about my blogs than actually commenting on them, since he thinks he runs the risk of being "that creepy 25 year old"....oops, sorry J dawg! Cody called me today and told me he bought Halo 3. I instantly knew that I had lost the best friend I've ever had. He said he thought of me while he was buying it and that he felt slightly guilty, but to try calling him in a week. Halo really does ruin lives, Emily. I dyed my hair back to "Dark Ash Brown." Ugh, such a good name.

You know that typical essay your lit teacher will make you do about a book you read in class? The one involving notes on characterization, writing style, what is and isn't effective? Yeah, I did that in my journal today. N to the ERDY. Helter Skelter seriously is my number one non-fiction...ever. It really makes me want to look into being a paralegal or something along those lines. I know right?

Are we scared of progression? Sometimes it seems we've lost our sense of direction

Perspective is amazing. Getting over bitterness because you realize you're doing the same exact thing is amazing. Self-actualization is amazing. Realizing things that were in your head is amazing. Starting over is amazing. Starting up is amazing. Relating to people is amazing. Having nothing in common but still having a great time is amazing. Being obvious is amazing. Living away from home 2-3 days a week is amazing.

My life is absolutely fabulous right now, and I have plenty of guilt in saying that. But it's the truth, and I will express it as I see fit.

To live our lives with unwavering intent and in the spirit of a new romance

My life is currently under construction. I'm taking initiative, and self-actualizing by the day. Writing again has helped me with this tremendously. Also, those tough decisions that are hard to make are logistically written in ink, making it nearly impossible for me to ignore the facts. I feel so at peace with everything right now. For the first time in a long time. That being said, I will admit to recently making some not so moral choices. Nothing that society would shun me for, yet things that wouldn't be too happy to hear. No drinking, no drugs, no sex. Just things that I'm not proud of, but are very minor to say the least. I love my life so much right now. The way I can get out of bed in the morning smiling, and go to bed smiling. I love living in Ames on the weekends. I love the friends I have up there, and the pseudo escape from my everyday life. I'm so over high school it's ridiculous. Valley I guess, to be specific. I went to an Ogden football game on Friday and I.........actually didn't hate being there. I just hate the environment of Valley's ridiculous games, and how "West Des Moines" it all is. Next week is homecoming week. Genya and I are not going to the game, but going to Ames, of course. We don't need to see the people we see daily, we need our friends. The typical Friday "Spirit Day" is going to get dominated by Lindsey Adler this year. Wearing Ogden Basketball sweatpants and some Ogden pride shirt, I'm going to show those Valley n00bs what the heck is up. I'm incredibly excited to do it.

If you know of the song "Soulja Boy", I suggest you listen to this.
The breakdown makes my life
Click "Crank That Cavalry Boy"

I find satisfaction in what they lack

Thanks Justin for actually making me look 10% less un-photogenic.
Oh, and for having the same weird sense of humor as I do.

I can't keep up I can't keep up I can't keep up

I wish there was some justification for when people "go downhill." Whether in their choices of entertainment, physical appearance, or overall demeanor, it happens more often than not. There are of course the exceptions, but in general I’ll be quoted as saying it to be laziness. Not always the typical “sit around the house” laziness, but the lack of motivation. Lacking motivation to stand up for yourself, make the often hard but right choice, keeping your pride +.
I feel that recently I have let myself go with the way I treat others. I’m filled to the brim with resentment, bitterness and anger. I love letting people feel my wrath, as weak as it always is. The absence of real power and wrath of my words is irrelevant, it is the thought behind that counts. Seniority complex has also caused me to unjustly “death glare” people in the halls of my school, or anywhere else where I feel that sense of rank. I do realize that I’m seventeen years old and know nothing about precedence, so what am I doing?
I’ve seen so many of my peers fall away. From God, from Straightedge, from simple everyday morals. It terrifies me. Scares me for them, and for what is in store for me. I don’t want to be the “what happened to her” girl. I feel like I can’t keep up, and that I’m out of step with the world (Copyright Minor Threat 1981. Dischord Records). Is it part of growing up to dumb yourself down? To make stupid choices just because the law will go easier on you? What does my generation not understand about the feeling of striving for knowledge. To make yourself more intellectual and cultured. The feeling of correcting your mistakes, and how it feels to know you’ve done well. It baffles me, and plenty of others the way my generation uses our media. More than any other time, we have the world at our fingertips, and we seem to put it to waste.
Maybe this is part of growing up. Standing strong and rising up while others might stay stagnant. No one says it is enjoyable to watch the people you love fail. Maybe these are the years that people prove or disprove themselves. I feel like I’m thirty sometimes, really.


+Pride in itself is a hard concept for me. As a Christian, pride is looked down upon, and we are to realize we are all sinners. I also see that the pride I have in most of my elementary choices is a big part of why I don’t backpedal. I feel joy in sticking with my original morals and standards. i.e. : Straightedge. Which in and of itself needs a footnote. The real Straightedge that many people outside of the situation aren’t able to grasp the concept of.

Every time I open my mouth I always wish I had kept it shut I gotta spill my guts

I just had a very embarrassing run in with my Advisory teacher, and a lit teacher, and a bio teacher.

and a secret crush

hahahahahahahahahha
I hate my life.

Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place If we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday

Things haven't been going this smoothly in a long time. School is good. I have a shortened schedule, good classes, good teachers. I don't have a lot of old friends in my classes, so I've been forced to meet new people. I really like the juniors in my Advanced Comp class, and the other people around us. I've gotten closer to acquaintances and drifted from people who I really have little care for. My hatred factor is down significantly. I've stopped being so angry, and got over that week of pure disgust in the world. There is one person directly in my life who I can not bring myself to like. I truly try, but I just keep getting more and more annoyed. One other person is not on my good list, not for anything they've done to me. In fact, I've never met this person, I just know how they affected my friend and the effects remain strong enough to break my heart day after day with empathy. My friendships are going great. I have my best friend, who is starting to act like the person I used to know, before the chronic sadness. I have my other best friend, who I see daily, we're always together, and get each other fairly well. I have my newest friend, who I trust more than most people. Another person I don't see often, but last Saturday was absolutely ridiculous and fun. I have my long time friend who I just started to get close to, and we have immense amounts of fun. These four people alone keep me going. Things with Bry are going decently, despite the fact that he is four hours away. I'm starting to get used to it and learn how to deal with the distance. I'm comfortable with the choices I'm making. I've been affirmed in my sobriety, and am more confident in it than ever. I love coming home and eating vegan Pad Thai and drinking some soy milk. I came home from school and had a Tofutti fudgesicle, and it was the best thing of my life. Justin Meyer is doing my senior pictures next week. We're doing ridiculous ones also. I'm stoked, they'll turn out well. Talking to Nick last night made me realize how well things are going, and how long its been since they've actually been this good.

WASSUP HAPPY!?!?

Please take my life and use it, I'm ready

There is one living person who has been there for me more than anyone else. Who has shown me things and made me truly happy on numerous occasions where I was down. Who has given me an escape, and something to even live for at times.
I told him tonight of the ways he has affected me. Word for word it was:
"I just need to thank you for the way you've shown me how to live a joy filled life for Christ. The way no one else has been able to"
Between sobs and tears I was able to utter the most meaningful statement I've ever come up with. I have never had any confidence to say that sort of thing to someone. I got the most embracing and meaningful hug in a long time, if ever.

It was the first time I had ever met him in person.

Five minutes can make a heck of a difference.

dear missing piece, I've missed you since the day we met.

One of my best friends did this, and I figured this was a better place for it than MySpace.

These are in random order to make them more discreet?

1. I've known you longer than almost anyone in Iowa and I'm so glad we finally got our problems worked out. You have a big heart that gets in the way of your decisions sometimes, and I hope to never use you as the crutch other people have. You mean more to me than nearly anyone, and I want the best for you.

2. You have shown me what honesty and a little courage can do. You've shown me love you show no one else. I miss your good moods and hope that things do get better one day. You of all people deserve the best. I find it sad that you are one of the most genuine, good hearted people in my life, yet you base your life around superheroes. I'm starting to think introducing Vonnegut to me was also one of the best things you've done.

3. You have my heart. Every emotion I act on, every time I fall, you are there. I don't realize the way you care most of the time, but I know deep down that "cutesy" words aren't what is important. I hope to get a firm grasp on that the way you obviously already have. No matter what I say, I know that the love you show me is so much more valuable than any compliment you can ever give. I do have a hard time forgiving you for a few things, but you have more than proved yourself.

4. I find you so easy to relate to. At first our friendship was based around how much we worry about someone and how much we want him to get better. Then it was connecting on a spiritual level. Having someone who is in my exact situation has helped my confidence in Christianity and my own faith immensely. I know we're nerdy and play video games too much, and hang out primarily in book stores, and bash Young Adult Lit books, but it means a lot to me to have such a solid friend my age with my interests.

5. You used to be such a terrible person. I don't even see you as the same as I used to. I honestly forget I knew you back then. I hate that this change happened after you lost your faith. I hope you can find that again, and I know you were genuine about it. We are so much fun, and I have no problem saying that. People love us. I know you have my back, and I have yours. I love how every time we hang out we walk in circles and talk about stuff. But we also know how to party hard!!


I'm waking up for the first time.

But words mean nothing when you can’t back them up and you’re not worth my time so go get fucked.

My journey to misanthropy has finally come to a conclusion. It's funny how when Genya tells me "I love you so much Lindsey, please don't give up on people you know that there are good people out there. And I promise you that I'll never let you down, okay?" I can hear myself saying the exact same thing to Cody hundreds upon hundreds of times. And when I think "If I don't depend on anyone, no one can let me down." I hear Cody telling me that hundreds of hundreds of times. I can tell you this much, I don't want to hate everyone. I don't want to turn into the hate filled person Cody is, and I know how miserable he is. We even talked about this on my way home from Ames at four in the morning. Haaaah. I am blessed that I have productive(ish) stable coping mechanisms. Where Cody has the internet, I have Jesus, The Bible, other books, and even Mario Kart. I just can't seem to find good people to surround myself with. Everyone lets me down. I just keep choosing the wrong people to let back into my life. I forgive always, I become friends with the person again all too often. I always choose the wrong ones though. From now on, people have two chances with me. If they blow it, they blow it. I'm not letting people screw me over all the time anymore. I got pushed to the edge when people let me down six different times yesterday. SIX. I've decided against anyone but Bryan, Cody, Dylan, Nick and Genya. No one is worth my time anymore. I just can't trust that I'm not going to end up getting hurt by other people's stupidity. I made a vow never to sleep in my Jeep again. I refuse to wake up in Lot 60 to the sounds of drunk people at 2:30 am. To not be able to sleep because I'm shivering my brains out. I'm at such a loss for words now, I think I'll just sleep the rest of this weekend. All I know is I won't be in Ames until I can find some decent friends.

You've so convinced me theres a life worth living for

Okay, I avoided it in my last post.

I'm having a really bad week. We don't need to say why, but it sucks. I've wrathed a few undeserving people, and one girl who needed a life lesson. I know in my heart that being mean is not the right thing to do, but between being a senior and trying to compensate for my own hurting has pushed me so far away from what I want to do. I don't know how long I'll let it go on. I'm on an insane power trip and I'm going to let it take its course a little bit longer. I love the friends who have actually been there for me the past two days though. I've had fun times on top of bad days. Not much beats that.








(me and nick fishing in animal crossing!!!)

We are the bright lights in these dark times.

Hahahahaha.
Sweet sign brah!

I officially have that syndrome so stupidly coined "Senioritis".
I have such easy classes this semester, life is a breeze right now. I feel like skipping first period almost daily. I get out at 1:15 or 1:45 every day. Wednesday I'm at school from 9:45 to 1:15. Not bad at all. I spend first period in Independent Lit Survey reading Mein Kampf, and occasionally playing my DS Lite. My next class is French 3, which I'm re-taking for a better grade and a filler class. Then photo, where I sit and watch how naive all the n00bie sophomores are and look up vegan recipes online. Fifth I have Advanced Contemporary Lit, where I sit and stare at my teacher, haha ;). Sixth I have Advanced Composition, so I actually have homework assignments that I don't mind doing at all. I've been out late every night this week. Enjoying my life as much as possible. Making Thai noodles with tofu and drinkin soy Chai. Today, Genya and I are making Vegan Brownies and Snickerdoodles. So frickin solid.

Sup n00bs.
Make your own KFC sign at peta2.com

Your victims have been voiceless so we've spoken for them

Vegan: a strict vegetarian : one that consumes no animal food or dairy products

I cut eggs from my diet. Now I've started drinking soy milk only. I next am cutting cheese and yogurt from my diet. Then after that it gets serious. I have to watch everything I eat and avoid all dairy and animal products. I'm more excited for this I have been for anything in a while. One more standard of living for me to hold myself to. One more goal to reach. One more thing to be proud of.

Thanks Iowa State Fair for showcasing the fact that most animals are only raised to be killed. Thanks a lot.


“On November 17, 2003, [an employee] twisted the neck of a live chicken until the
head popped off; he then used what remained of the bloodied body of the chicken to
write graffiti on the wall.”

“On November 17, 2003, [an employee] intentionally squeezed two live chickens so
hard that feces squirted out of them. [He] directed the feces into the eyes of seven
other live chickens, exclaiming, ‘They shit all over us every day.’”

“On December 22, 2003, [an employee] placed a live chicken on the floor and jumped on the bird; the
bird exploded under his weight, and her intestines were visible.”

“On April 9, 2004, [an employee] placed a latex glove over the head of a live chicken and watched as
the chicken gasped for air and then died.”

I refuse to ever step foot into another KFC
heartless.

Where is your faith

Done with Tropical Sno. Done with summer. Done with adolescence. I sort of stole the latter idea from a friend, but it makes sense. In two days I start the last year of high school. And that is so awesome. I'm ready to be a big kid. After spending the night/day in Ames and having it during the school year, I'm itching for it. The past two days were so nice. ATA's last show. Bittersweet, but not dramatic. Typical ATA fashion I guess. Hanging out, getting lost in Friley. Awkward hellos during awkward goodbyes ;). Mario Kart. 3:45 fire drills. 4 am trips to Wallace to hang out. Basically having therapy in that 2.5 hours. Only sleeping less than 3 hours. Cornerstone messages that speak directly to me and make me so full of emotion. Seeing Cliff at the UDCC. Hanging out with Tyler, and Facebooking?

Then, my life snapped back to reality and I had to come back to Des Moines. Bum out.

I hate everyone, and everything

I'm so stressed out I can't handle it. Tropical Sno is ruining my life, day by day. I feel forced to work long hours, with kids who don't know what they're doing in the first place. The kind of people that shouldn't be working there are, and it is the most aggravating situation yet. I miss my friends. I miss working with Aubrey because even though she was lame at working, we had the best time ever. All Bryan and I do is work and sleep. Work work work, sleep sleep sleep. Get up too early, go to bed too late, be crabby the next day. Vicious vicious cycle. I don't want school to start again. I don't like girls my age. I don't like guys my age. Minus like, two. I don't like Valley. I want to be in Ames with all my friends. I know I'm going to need them a lot this year, and I hope I can arrange that. I love my friends so much. I love sitting on bridges over highway 30 at 1 am and just talking about "surprise sex" and other things like that. Having dramatic battles with Cody, and getting home hours after curfew. I love Dylan and Carlos, and being bitter and spiteful, and trying to ruin lives. I have a great senior schedule though, filled with English classes. No math, no science. I just need God to keep me informed on who to know and who not to know. To trust that when I go with my heart, it is for a good reason. We'll see what this year brings. Hopefully not too much lonliness and stupidity.

#23

"He is retarded. There are things that he understands. He can get along on his own ok. The doctors say that his condition is deteriorating rapidly. Last year he understood this, now it isn't clear. He has never touched a woman. He knows that he never will. He eagerly awaits the day when he no longer feels the attraction for them. As it is right now, it hurts so much, so deeply, that he cries and loses control of himself. He has caused many embarrassing moments for his family. They don't what know what his problem is, why all of a sudden he'll cry and start to scream. They can't take him out anymore. He is smart enough to know that he's not like the rest of them. He waits for this deep pain to end."

This is part of a book I wish I hadn't put off buying. You know, a friend tosses the name around, you see it at Barnes and Noble multiple times, pick it up quite a few times. The guy from Black Flag, that band you should listen to, but don't. The band you want to listen to, but don't. You see American Hardcore, you see that this guy isn't another burnout and he knows his stuff. You go to Barnes and Noble. You buy Black Coffee Blues by this guy. You sit at Java Joe's waiting for your vegetarian Canadian Bacon sandwich. You read the first few pages. You want to read more. You eat your sandwich outside of Vaudeville Mews. You read the book. You get offered marijuana. You find the blurbs presented in this section more interesting than the local band, or the pipe five feet away. You show a friend, you tell another friend to read it. You carry it around in your purse. You want more from this author. You write blogs about the book.

Thank you Henry Rollins.