If only time flew like a dove

A wedding and therapy session. Yikes. Talk about an emotional week. I went to Pella with Kayla and we went to THE cutest wedding ever. It was a friend of hers from high school, and I swear, although I didn't know anyone there I wanted to cry. Weddings are so cute. I love seeing people in love, but I couldn't help but think about divorce. That sounds so bad, and I'm not saying anything about the people in this particular wedding. It reminds me of that Paramore line: "I've seen love die, way too many times, when it deserved to be alive". True that Haley Williams. I bet my parents were happy at their wedding. So what happened then? What happened to "love never fails"? It is a scary and controversial topic. I'm taking a risk here, but I'm not sure that anyone in high school has the mental capacity to know what "love" is. I just don't see how it is possible. That is just my opinion, but nothing has changed my mind. But I guess I can't talk about what I'm unexperienced in. Someone prove me wrong, and show me a high school relationship that I can't argue against being love. I know I have NO right to say who loves who and stuff, but when signs are there, I'll see em and call em.
I went in for my last medicine check yesterday. I decided that therapy and medicine are not working for me, and I need to figure my life out myself. I don't want to be on 300mg of an anti-depressant. Age 17 shouldn't hold so many struggles. My doctor said that he is concerned that I show so many apathetic signs. I'm sorry, but there are things I just don't care about. He also said that my emotional state is very "fragile and easy to break". Kaboom. Atomic bomb right there. That is the last thing I'd ever like to hear about myself. I'd rather be called a whore or something. But what Dr. said is too true, and scares me. I want to be a strong person. I want to not have so many ups and downs. But no one wants to be called fragile. In my mind he might as well be calling me so many worse things.
So yeah, it was an emotional few days.
Good days, but emotional.

Ps: Pressure by Paramore is one of my all time favorite songs.

Explain to me, this conspiracy against me

Bryan won't watch Bambi with me. And I just remembered how cute bunny rabbits are. I want a big lot with 15,00 bunnies running around and enjoying themselves.

Some days, they last longer than others

I'm only excited to see two people when I get home. That is majorly depressing. If it weren't for them I'd probably just stay out here all summer. Screw senior pictures, screw Iowa shitty hardcore shows, screw humidity.

"tinted windows don't mean nothin, they know who is inside!"

We all know the weird turn of events my life has taken over the past two weeks. Well, yeah, about that. I'm in California right now and as much as I hate it, I'm really glad I'm here. I feel like things with my friends are nosediving, and I'm really glad to be able just to get out of the situation. Most likely, it is my fault though. But what good are friends when all they do is make you feel bad about yourself and your life. My best friend tells me the stupid choices I make, and gives me advice, but when I don't take it, I don't get called an idiot. I don't get made fun of and called a slut, because most people would make the same choices as I do. It really isn't enjoyable having the people you care about most making you doubt yourself constantly. But I guess I'm too sensitive. I've started reading Mein Kampf. I picked it up just to make myself more cultured, you know? Plus, I think the author is brilliant. And no neo-nazi jokes please, because just because someone is smart doesn't mean you agree with them. I don't agree with Hitler for the main things he is known for. But to take such a crappy idea and convince so many people of it, it takes a lot of intellect. So why can't I do that? I want to learn how to be so persuasive, because I know in my heart that my opinions are not to cause mass genocide. Haha, in fact, if I could persuade people of anything, it would be to end genocide. There is a good quote in the book though: "retain the essential, forget the non-essential". Now, coming from the mouth of Adolf Hitler, it sounds a little harsh. But in any situation it is very true.

In other news, new Rocket Summer soon!

"Some things won't end up your way, but in the end they'll turn out okay!"

I have two easy finals on Monday, so I am considering school out. It is eleven o'clock on a Friday night, one of my first nights of summer. And I'm at home. I've been home for a half hour. Tonight did not go so well. This whole recluse thing I talked about didn't really happen, but it should. I just want to sleep for three months and wake up when the school year starts again. I'm so sick of people screwing with my emotions over and over and over again. It isn't fair to me, and I'm not strong enough to handle it. I had an acquaintance sit and pull me out of my almost disconsolated state. It was really nice. I just want things to be the way they were last week. Not complicated, and hidden from me. I really don't appreciate my friends keeping things from me, even if they know it'll hurt me. But whatever, whats done is done. And all I can think about is how there is nothing to do in Des Moines and I want to sleep for a long long time.