Saturday, December 30, 2006

an eye for an eye until no one can see

So you should know Saddam Hussein got executed today. If you don't, I'm sorry. Actually, I didn't find out until about five minutes ago, which technically makes it at 12:09 and yesterday's news. Oh snap!
But it makes me think. This horrible person who had ruined a country, ruined so many lives is dead. And it makes headlines. Yet a person who has suffered through years of living on the streets and eating every three days would most likely not even be missed. Death is death. But is this fair? There's so much controversy over death penalties. Most people would agree Saddam is a horrible person. The way I see things, he's going to suffer a lot more sitting in prison until he dies. He basically gets off the hook this way. If you want to use death to punish him, why not kill his family and loved ones in front of him. Why not make him kill his dog or pour milk in his fish's bowl. Assuming he has a dog and a fish. When it's suicide, death is the easy way out. Well heck, if I were Saddam I'd MUCH rather be hanged than behind bars. I just don't understand why our government and society haven't grown out of "eye for an eye". Its so outdated I think. Ideally, it's great, but when there are people like Saddam Hussein getting to leave this world, and his punishment, compared to people who rob a bank and sit in jail to rot (okay so you'd have to do something more serious... whatever) doesn't seem fair anymore. But what I don't understand, if a man molests a child, is his punishment by "eye for eye" letting the father of the child molest his kid? I'm pretty sure no one would agree to that...

This is completely my opinion, but I know there are probably a million things to counterprove this. Its just common sense to me. But I guess most people's common sense is still death for death.

Friday, December 29, 2006

"this one ain't comin down lit folks"

The title of my blog signifies probably the stupidest thing I've ever said

Here it is on film
it's a short docudrama Kat and I made.
I heard that if you light a corner of a napkin on fire and throw it, it will all be burnt by the time it hits the ground.
observe

Thursday, December 28, 2006

tell all the english boys you meet

Yesterday I saw The Holiday, and I haven't cried that much at a movie in forever.


first and foremost, don't tell me that Jude Law isn't THE most attractive man above the age of 18. I didn't really care when the old guy walked up the stairs, but as soon as Jude started crying, I lost it. I don't know whats so attractive about that British boy shedding a tear or 500, but it was intense. Sure, it could have been the reason he was crying, in fact I'm sure that's why, but I wasn't thinking that much at the time. The character he played was utterly charming and romantic and a great guy to say the least. I want to move to England for Judeeeeeeeeee. PS: he was named after "hey jude". EVEN BETTER.


second, this is Surrey. It's where The Holiday is set in. Honestly the cutest looking town ever. I didn't know places like this existed still, especially in an English speaking country. You know, the forefathers of our country stole ideas and tea from the Brits, but they should have stolen architecture plans as well. Also, the accent and shopping. I don't know what it is about the dreary UK with too much rain, and people with bad teeth, but I have such an urge to go. To London, to Surrey, to Jude Law...haaaaah!

So yeah, the two cutest things in the world in one movie. I kept hoping that whenever music would play it would be Justin Timberlake, because that would be so ironically funny. Man.

Then today, I watched six episodes of Pete and Pete. Danny Tamberelli is the cutest kid ever. Well, was I guess.



Little Pete was always my favorite. I love how chubby he is and how frickin funny he is. "BITE MY NECK HAIR" or getting people to pay to hit golf balls at his brother, he's always got something to say.

POLARIS
this site has the theme song, Hey Sandy, and listen to Summerbaby. Summerbaby is the song Little Pete gets mesmerized with in the first season. The one he starts a band for and can't remember for the life of him. Gah, Little Pete, you slay me!

Monday, December 25, 2006

But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you and I'd probably be happy.

Today was not only the best Christmas of my life but the best day of my life as well.

I got a first edition Charles Bukowski book. 1979. Smells old and everything. My favorite Buk book. The first one I ever read. The book that got me into beat poets.

But in the end, it's the thought and effort behind the book that gets me.

You know what I'm sayin, yo!?

Sunday, December 24, 2006

can't let, another life slip through our hands.

In a half hour it's Christmas.
In one hour it's Bryan and I's five month.

It doesn't feel like either.
I wish there was snow on the ground. I had a really crappy experience with gift giving tonight. I'm not too positive on this whole Christmas thing. And I'm bitter about how society is making Christmas. If this holiday was actually what it is supposed to be, then I wouldn't have a problem. I don't need snow to celebrate Jesus. I don't need my brother to like a book to celebrate my faith. I'm quite sick of "atheists" celebrating Christmas. I'm so cynical. But I don't celebrate Hannukah, so why celebrate something you claim to not believe in. I'm sorry, but it's still not about gifts. Clark and I were talking about the way Christianity impacts the way you feel about Christmas. I couldn't think of a single tangible thing I wanted for Christmas. For anyone. I'm sorry that I angered SO many people by my indeciciveness. But what it comes down to is that I don't need or want anything. Anything tangible that is. I want crap like world peace, and happiness, and Rosefield Rivals to stay together. What really ticks me off is when I asked my dad to make a donation to TWLOHA instead he neglected to do it and asked if I wanted a Nintendo Wii instead. NO I DO NOT WANT VIDEO GAMES. I WANT MY FRIENDS AND PEOPLE LIKE MY FRIENDS TO STOP MUTILATING THEMSELVES. I'm sorry if that's too much to ask. I'd rather he spend the $300 dollars or whatever on people who need it. Somebody explain to me why Santa Claus is more important than Jesus.

And July 25th sounds like a long time ago, but it doesn't feel like it. All I know is Bryan is dumb for putting up with me for this long. Actually he's not dumb for it, but great for it. And he watched Pride and Prejudice with me tonight. My mom bought me a new milkshake maker. About a month ago Bryan tried to make a milkshake in our old one and ended up almost swallowing a spring. HA.


Well, tomorrow is going to be busy busy busy.

I fear that I am a slippery slope

Tonight started off with some bad news. Old news, but bad news.
It went up from there. We got all dressed up and went to dinner. And I fell asleep on Emily's couch.

Tonight wins. hahaha.


I love emily!

and kayla!

and emily's room!

and bryan's haircut

and mitch's expressions

and my weird expressions

aaaaaaand looking stoned

and ducks!!!!!!!

AND BEIN AZN

and emily's room!

and emily with a mallard!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

awake! awake in the company of men given something to say

By the time you reach age sixteen, you most likely know anxiety. You can feel it, and it affects you. Maybe not often, maybe only once. At age sixteen I'm becoming a self-diagnosing hypochondriac. I have convinced myself that when I stress or worry, my anxiety kicks in. Maybe it does. But there has to be some underlying problem that triggers it. Here's the thing, I have zero to very minimal subconsciousness. I understand why I do things, and why other people do things. It kills me. I understand my anxiety is likely caused by needing attention, and by insecurity problems. It gets so bad that I have to go take a five minute break in the cold? Why? I am too passive aggressive for my own good. When I do things like that, I have two motives: to clear my head, and to get attention. Don't fall for it. Actually do. haaaaah. I don't like being that stupid about things, and I wish I could get it figured out. Maybe if I truly put my mind to believing that I'm fine I will be. If I can will my brain into problems, can I will them out?

I'm going to make a big stretch and say this is related to anxiety, which it kind of is.




To Write Love On Her Arms
This foundation is doing an amazing job at reaching out to the people who need help for this the most. They help with finding help for cutting and self mutilation. We all know "emo" kids are stereotyped as cutters, so why not create an organization that speaks directly to them. With Switchfoot, Bradley Hathaway, The Rocket Summer, Paramore, Underoath, and many others behind them and sporting gear, their word is spreading. Yes, it is a Christian organization, which is a big bonus for me, but they help anyone. They have "stop the bleeding" tours and profits from merch goes directly to helping kids. I don't usually get behind a foundation like I have with TWLOHA, but it's hard not to for me. Why do my best friends cut themselves? I don't have an answer for that, but I can help them. I can help others in the same situation as me, and as my friends. These are good people helping in the best way they know how. Through MySpace: emo kid hangout, through music: emo kid obsession, merch: emo kid novelty. Why not. It seems to be working pretty well. I'm behind them 100%. There's no reason you shouldn't either.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Because things change and friends leave and time doesn't stop for anyone.

I've been thinking about the way friendships and humans change and evolve. We change so quickly. And we don't see it in ourselves until we're looking back.

Some friendship changes over the past few years:
















For the ones of my friends and I, I didn't pick them by "losing best friends" or whatever. There are people in there who were never more than acquaintances. But it's drastic change anyway.

October thirty-first I wrote "My biggest goal appearance wise is to be one of those girls who ALWAYS looks good. I see girls who I think "ugh I wish I could be that cute. I could never pull that off though." Looks aren't everything. But no one wants to look in the mirror and think "gross! I look horrible. I'm ready for the day!" I should probably stop analyzing these things. Or else I'll end up shallow, bitchy and stupid."

I ended up not cute, but yeah, shallow and mean. How does one person become who they don't want to be in less than two months. I saw Brand New that night. I played Halo the first time. I got a new cell phone. What happened in those months that made me this different. Is it social things? Family problems? Relationship changes? Getting closer to God? (although I'd think that'd make me go the opposite way). Is it deleting my MySpace?

B.F. Skinner said if you gave him a baby and let him create their whole world, have no outside interactions or anything, he could make them into whatever he wants. But is that true? I strongly believe people are shaped by their beliefs and environment. But what about instincts, and the similarity of everything. I can quote The Perks Of Being A Wallflower right now. The part where he says "And I know if that person had gone to another school they would have gotten their heart broken by someone else. So why does it have to be so personal?" Even if I was taken out of Valley, I would still have the same struggles with social and academic pressures. Girls will be girls, US History will be US History. I don't mean to disqualify a psychologist's theories by quoting a fiction book, but times have changed Skinner. So if I wanted to change into a complete fashionista could I be put into a fashion company and would that make me "that person"? If I don't want to fight with friends could I be put somewhere that doesn't have MySpace and cliques? Would that even change anything.

So as much as I accept change, embrace it almost, I have to wonder about why it happens in the first place. I have some concept of reality I just can't see the whole picture. I wish I could take myself out of situations and observe. Change myself for the better. Would I be a different person if I spend two weeks out with friends, instead of two weeks asleep? Is change self motivated? Or is it subconscious. Is it shaped by your friends and family?


And why does it affect everyone so darn much?

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

this is the last time something a girl says is going to bother me.

i'm sick of it.
i'm sick of being made the bad person.
especially when i'm the one getting trashed.
that doesn't make sense. you're talking bad about me, but i'm in the wrong.
i'm sick of taking things out on bryan, and him having to cheer me up.
i'm sick of girls and their stupid mouths.


and i don't care what crap you say about me after you read this, Hillary and Maddie.
i am done with it.
so say whatever you want to whoever you want.


i can sleep at night knowing i don't get enjoyment from being mean.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Go to this place you go you don't see how much you mean to me

weekend recap:

Friday: grounded, stayed home watching girl movies
-The Devil Wears Prada
-Must Love Dogs
-Pride and Prejudice
-She's All That
I slept a lot and felt fabulous the next day

Saturday: I did more chores than humanly possible for a little bit of freedom. Bryan Zach and I went to Hy-Vee, got hot dogs and met up with (long list ahead!), Caely, Austin, Mitch, Kayla, Blake, Emily, Luke, Cole, JR over the night. They threw hot dogs at cars and went deer mounting. For as much of a "boys night" it was, it was super fun. I felt fabulous again and slept a lot then too.

Sunday: Bryan woke me up and said he was coming over. We hung out for about an hour and that was great as always. Slept a lot more and then went to the Christmas party for HSM. Fun times fun times. James and I sat there being slightly cynical and making fun of my boyfriend. Nothin new. Great time like always. Bry learned more about my messed up family history and I STILL feel fabulous.

I just don't know!
I'd like to thank chick flicks, sleep, my wonderful boyfriend, Bryce Avary, Kat Huppert, and the weekend for this mood.

:)

Story of my life

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Days don't die down in December



Most of you 90's kids should remember her. Daria. She's the sarcastic high school girl I wish I was. I've recently aqcuired the first season of this show, and I have to say, I like it even more now. I thought she was "TOTALLY AWESOME" when I was younger, but now I actually have been through this stuff. I'd have to say, she's a pretty sweet chick and if you haven't seen the show, or seen it in some time, you should probably ask me for the DVD.


DUH.

The mean thoughts and cheap shots, they will not weaken me

So it's a Saturday afternoon in December. I can hear Bryce Avary singing from upstairs. And there's no snow. 1/2 isn't bad.
I also wonder why I watched so many girl movies last night
and why pride and prejudice was so romantic.

I don't know why I keep getting grounded
or keep getting out of it
or why girls keep talkin smack.


I
DUN
CURRRR.


I'm going out tonight*@^$*(!^!*(

And I'm also wondering how to spell vuluptuous and why I asked Kat if I am.
I'm not wondering why she said "NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST BIT IDIOT"

you win some you lose some

i'm losing my mind
what will i win!

Saturday, December 09, 2006

You take in everything with a certainty I envy.

So we all know those internet personality tests are hoaxes right? My step-grandma, who considers sending me chain emails to be a form of communication, sent me one that kind of weirded me out. It is allegedly based off of what the Dalai Lama says about personalities. I'm sure that once I saw the answer I was more prone to believe it, but I went into this with a pretty negative attitude toward it. For the most part, it actually was on track. Here's the link for anyone who's bored, or curious. If you take it you'll understand this part...for the answer for coffee, it put fake happiness. So what if it's two words, the way that turned out was hilarious.

I love pomegranates.
Just so you know...

Think about what you say before you run your mouth.

I really wish more girls had the reasoning boys do. When I think about the people I trust, most of them are male. I don't know what it is. I think it's the honesty I get, instead of the backstabbing. Or the way I have to be honest, instead of backstabbing. I have guy friends who are basically a slightly less emotional version of girls, I have guy friends who don't understand girl problems for the life of them. I have great people in my life that I talk to about anything and everything. Lately, when I'm upset about something, I tell only boys whats going on. Maybe one girl at most. I told a friend something and he really never knows what to say in those situations, and it helped. I didn't have to talk about it excessively. I could vent, and he just thought the same way I did. Or my best friend who I go to with 90% of my problems. He listens and helps me see the good in the situation. Reassures me on things I know somewhere in the back of my mind. Another one is just as much of an insomniac as I am, and when I text him at three in the morning saying "ugh" he'll let me vent. Friends. I tell them (not just those three) almost anything. The only person I tell more to is Bryan. And that's the epitome of a good guy friend. Bryan pisses a lot of girls off. But for me, I have more at stake, and so it's good that he's so brutally honest with me. I need that a lot. I'm sick of being a bad friend, and I'm sick of having bad friends. I just dislike being a girl sometimes.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

I've got friends who will help me pull through

I'm so ready for break it's not even funny. I need those days badly! But I've been in a great mood the past week or so, and that's awesome. I love being happy. The only thing weighing me down is a little family drama, okay, big family drama. Luckily I have my two favorite boys on my side. The man upstairs, God (NO NOT MY DAD. HAHA) and the man in waukee, bryan. And I've got my Matt and Amanda and Kat. Even Cody and Cliff listen to me all the time. I am super content right now with friendships. Except I think people are talking bad about me again. UGH.


My mom, not so much.

God and meatless nuggets, yes.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

You say I choose sadness that it never once has chosen me. Maybe you're right...

I wonder if anyone else thinks as much as I do.


I'm in a great mood, don't get me wrong, but I seem to think a ridiculously unhealthy amount.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Let me help you and take you out of this lake you are clearly drowning in








Problems come in and out of my life so quickly and so often.
But nothing ever gets so bad that hearing that you've instantly cheered someone up can't fix.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

rest assured that with a heart that’s pure we’ll be victorious and not let our hate get the best of us.

I forgot how much I hate big shows.



I always feel so lonely. It's like the Valley effect. Kat snorted a line of sugar tonight at Perkins. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Stick To Your Guns was awesome. I like em a lot.

I wrote a good personal narrative today. It was cool.