What is love without trust?

The problem that I have with this world is that everyone is going to let you down at some point. I am starting to lose hope in humans. I know this is usually called growing up, but it sucks. I don't like knowing that I will let everyone down. That everyone will let me down. I'm starting to lose interest in the time in between. I'm so confused by hurt that I don't understand why you would set yourself up for that. I mean, if you know there's no fish in a pond you don't fish in it. So if you know you're going to get let down why start a friendship in the first place. Because it's fun to get backstabbed, lied to, and hated? Yeah, real fun to me. I have no faith in people anymore. I think everyone's "good intentions" just don't cut it. Yeah you can have good intentions, but the next day you can have the worst. And it takes a long time to figure that out. So why waste all that time getting to know someone who is going to hurt you. I just don't think that trust is a smart idea. Everything I've ever told anyone is going to get out at some point. So why don't I just post all of my deepest secrets on a billboard. At least I'll be able to blame myself and save six or so months. Here's my secrets:
I don't think many people are worth respect or trust
I respect and trust too many people anyway
I'm forgiving
I dwell on things until they eat me alive
There. It's not such a big deal when I'm the one saying it is it? I will let you down. I will hurt your feelings. Leave me alone and I'll leave you alone. If I don't trust anyone, then I'm the only one who can hurt myself right? Why should I have anyone, let alone two people to confide in? Where does that get me? Eventually we'll drift apart and one of us will screw up the relationship anyway. So why is alone such a bad idea? If I was alone 24 hours, I would have 99% less problems. If I didn't have to go to school, deal with "friends" or family, what would be bad? I wouldn't have to impress anyone. I wouldn't have to "be there" for anyone. I would run out of things to think about, because normally I think about how humans interact. Well, no human contact will eliminate that. I think I'll commit a serious serious serious murder and end up in solitary confinement. But that won't solve anything will it?
So what, my life isn't so bad. I'm not unhappy. Unstable, yes, but unhappy no. Things get built up inside and I just get stressed. And I have no way to release it. And I don't have to worry about people leaving and then me being alone. If you're not going to be there for me in the first place, I'm already alone. And I'd prefer it that way. Because it is impossible to be completely honest and real and sweet and caring at the same time. So why try when you're set up to lose?

hahahahah
case in point.
I look so little.

"so you say the present is just a pleasant interruption to the past and you don't wanna look much closer cause your afraid to find out all this hope you had sent into the sky by now had crashed and it did because of me"


PS: I didn't get into a fight with anyone or anything. This week is just going to be stressful to the max. Poor Bryan. hahahah (I like how those two words contradict this whole entry)

You’re what keeps me believing the world’s not gone dead

That, is me.
The things I care about.
This morning while everyone was still asleep, I was thinking. (see the little thought bubbles.) About what it means to actually know a person. And what leads you to knowing them. And who I truly know. There are people I consider close friends that I would say I'm probably more on the acquaintance level with. I can't hear the emotion in their voice, I can't see the emotion on their face. I don't know when they're lying, and when they're just exaggerating. I don't know what their reaction will be to something I do. Then there are the people who I do. And I can ramble on and on and on for probably five to ten minutes per person on why I know them. I mean like, experiences that have made me understand them better. And they stand out. I'd like to get to know more people. But at this point, understanding one or two people is enough for me. I wonder how many people truly know me. I have my flaws and misgivings. I wonder if people know my complexities, or if I have complexities. And when there are people who do know me well enough why does it frustrate me. Haha, well maybe because I hate when I can't fool anyone. And there's a couple people who when I say "I'm not upset" or something they can confidently say "yes you are. shut up and tell me what's wrong." I know people who get frustrated when I know them too well. So hahahahaha. Maybe I'm just impatient or not actually putting in an effort to get to know people. But I wish I did. I will. Because everyone has a story, and I want to know it.