This is me saying words I actually mean.

This weekend, as always, was amazing. Wii parties, Ames life, accidentally touching tongues with Josh Ladd, Welching it up, the Quaz's house, being with Genya all weekend.

Come on guys, lets get it going on!

I hate when people act like they know everything about something they've only known for less than two months. You don't know jack. Stop acting like it.



^^My Genya

But what I hold in my heart is real

This is my 100th post, just throwing that out there.

I just feel like writing some more, publicly.

I'm sittin in my onesies, about to go watch American Hardcore and eat soy ice cream, and things couldn't be better. I'm excited for the weekend, and excited for life. Did some more senior pictures, s to the toked, STOKED. Just for the record, does everyone think its creepier for Justin to send me private messages about my blogs than actually commenting on them, since he thinks he runs the risk of being "that creepy 25 year old"....oops, sorry J dawg! Cody called me today and told me he bought Halo 3. I instantly knew that I had lost the best friend I've ever had. He said he thought of me while he was buying it and that he felt slightly guilty, but to try calling him in a week. Halo really does ruin lives, Emily. I dyed my hair back to "Dark Ash Brown." Ugh, such a good name.

You know that typical essay your lit teacher will make you do about a book you read in class? The one involving notes on characterization, writing style, what is and isn't effective? Yeah, I did that in my journal today. N to the ERDY. Helter Skelter seriously is my number one non-fiction...ever. It really makes me want to look into being a paralegal or something along those lines. I know right?

Are we scared of progression? Sometimes it seems we've lost our sense of direction

Perspective is amazing. Getting over bitterness because you realize you're doing the same exact thing is amazing. Self-actualization is amazing. Realizing things that were in your head is amazing. Starting over is amazing. Starting up is amazing. Relating to people is amazing. Having nothing in common but still having a great time is amazing. Being obvious is amazing. Living away from home 2-3 days a week is amazing.

My life is absolutely fabulous right now, and I have plenty of guilt in saying that. But it's the truth, and I will express it as I see fit.

To live our lives with unwavering intent and in the spirit of a new romance

My life is currently under construction. I'm taking initiative, and self-actualizing by the day. Writing again has helped me with this tremendously. Also, those tough decisions that are hard to make are logistically written in ink, making it nearly impossible for me to ignore the facts. I feel so at peace with everything right now. For the first time in a long time. That being said, I will admit to recently making some not so moral choices. Nothing that society would shun me for, yet things that wouldn't be too happy to hear. No drinking, no drugs, no sex. Just things that I'm not proud of, but are very minor to say the least. I love my life so much right now. The way I can get out of bed in the morning smiling, and go to bed smiling. I love living in Ames on the weekends. I love the friends I have up there, and the pseudo escape from my everyday life. I'm so over high school it's ridiculous. Valley I guess, to be specific. I went to an Ogden football game on Friday and I.........actually didn't hate being there. I just hate the environment of Valley's ridiculous games, and how "West Des Moines" it all is. Next week is homecoming week. Genya and I are not going to the game, but going to Ames, of course. We don't need to see the people we see daily, we need our friends. The typical Friday "Spirit Day" is going to get dominated by Lindsey Adler this year. Wearing Ogden Basketball sweatpants and some Ogden pride shirt, I'm going to show those Valley n00bs what the heck is up. I'm incredibly excited to do it.

If you know of the song "Soulja Boy", I suggest you listen to this.
The breakdown makes my life
Click "Crank That Cavalry Boy"

I find satisfaction in what they lack

Thanks Justin for actually making me look 10% less un-photogenic.
Oh, and for having the same weird sense of humor as I do.

I can't keep up I can't keep up I can't keep up

I wish there was some justification for when people "go downhill." Whether in their choices of entertainment, physical appearance, or overall demeanor, it happens more often than not. There are of course the exceptions, but in general I’ll be quoted as saying it to be laziness. Not always the typical “sit around the house” laziness, but the lack of motivation. Lacking motivation to stand up for yourself, make the often hard but right choice, keeping your pride +.
I feel that recently I have let myself go with the way I treat others. I’m filled to the brim with resentment, bitterness and anger. I love letting people feel my wrath, as weak as it always is. The absence of real power and wrath of my words is irrelevant, it is the thought behind that counts. Seniority complex has also caused me to unjustly “death glare” people in the halls of my school, or anywhere else where I feel that sense of rank. I do realize that I’m seventeen years old and know nothing about precedence, so what am I doing?
I’ve seen so many of my peers fall away. From God, from Straightedge, from simple everyday morals. It terrifies me. Scares me for them, and for what is in store for me. I don’t want to be the “what happened to her” girl. I feel like I can’t keep up, and that I’m out of step with the world (Copyright Minor Threat 1981. Dischord Records). Is it part of growing up to dumb yourself down? To make stupid choices just because the law will go easier on you? What does my generation not understand about the feeling of striving for knowledge. To make yourself more intellectual and cultured. The feeling of correcting your mistakes, and how it feels to know you’ve done well. It baffles me, and plenty of others the way my generation uses our media. More than any other time, we have the world at our fingertips, and we seem to put it to waste.
Maybe this is part of growing up. Standing strong and rising up while others might stay stagnant. No one says it is enjoyable to watch the people you love fail. Maybe these are the years that people prove or disprove themselves. I feel like I’m thirty sometimes, really.


+Pride in itself is a hard concept for me. As a Christian, pride is looked down upon, and we are to realize we are all sinners. I also see that the pride I have in most of my elementary choices is a big part of why I don’t backpedal. I feel joy in sticking with my original morals and standards. i.e. : Straightedge. Which in and of itself needs a footnote. The real Straightedge that many people outside of the situation aren’t able to grasp the concept of.

Every time I open my mouth I always wish I had kept it shut I gotta spill my guts

I just had a very embarrassing run in with my Advisory teacher, and a lit teacher, and a bio teacher.

and a secret crush

hahahahahahahahahha
I hate my life.

Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place If we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday

Things haven't been going this smoothly in a long time. School is good. I have a shortened schedule, good classes, good teachers. I don't have a lot of old friends in my classes, so I've been forced to meet new people. I really like the juniors in my Advanced Comp class, and the other people around us. I've gotten closer to acquaintances and drifted from people who I really have little care for. My hatred factor is down significantly. I've stopped being so angry, and got over that week of pure disgust in the world. There is one person directly in my life who I can not bring myself to like. I truly try, but I just keep getting more and more annoyed. One other person is not on my good list, not for anything they've done to me. In fact, I've never met this person, I just know how they affected my friend and the effects remain strong enough to break my heart day after day with empathy. My friendships are going great. I have my best friend, who is starting to act like the person I used to know, before the chronic sadness. I have my other best friend, who I see daily, we're always together, and get each other fairly well. I have my newest friend, who I trust more than most people. Another person I don't see often, but last Saturday was absolutely ridiculous and fun. I have my long time friend who I just started to get close to, and we have immense amounts of fun. These four people alone keep me going. Things with Bry are going decently, despite the fact that he is four hours away. I'm starting to get used to it and learn how to deal with the distance. I'm comfortable with the choices I'm making. I've been affirmed in my sobriety, and am more confident in it than ever. I love coming home and eating vegan Pad Thai and drinking some soy milk. I came home from school and had a Tofutti fudgesicle, and it was the best thing of my life. Justin Meyer is doing my senior pictures next week. We're doing ridiculous ones also. I'm stoked, they'll turn out well. Talking to Nick last night made me realize how well things are going, and how long its been since they've actually been this good.

WASSUP HAPPY!?!?

Please take my life and use it, I'm ready

There is one living person who has been there for me more than anyone else. Who has shown me things and made me truly happy on numerous occasions where I was down. Who has given me an escape, and something to even live for at times.
I told him tonight of the ways he has affected me. Word for word it was:
"I just need to thank you for the way you've shown me how to live a joy filled life for Christ. The way no one else has been able to"
Between sobs and tears I was able to utter the most meaningful statement I've ever come up with. I have never had any confidence to say that sort of thing to someone. I got the most embracing and meaningful hug in a long time, if ever.

It was the first time I had ever met him in person.

Five minutes can make a heck of a difference.

dear missing piece, I've missed you since the day we met.

One of my best friends did this, and I figured this was a better place for it than MySpace.

These are in random order to make them more discreet?

1. I've known you longer than almost anyone in Iowa and I'm so glad we finally got our problems worked out. You have a big heart that gets in the way of your decisions sometimes, and I hope to never use you as the crutch other people have. You mean more to me than nearly anyone, and I want the best for you.

2. You have shown me what honesty and a little courage can do. You've shown me love you show no one else. I miss your good moods and hope that things do get better one day. You of all people deserve the best. I find it sad that you are one of the most genuine, good hearted people in my life, yet you base your life around superheroes. I'm starting to think introducing Vonnegut to me was also one of the best things you've done.

3. You have my heart. Every emotion I act on, every time I fall, you are there. I don't realize the way you care most of the time, but I know deep down that "cutesy" words aren't what is important. I hope to get a firm grasp on that the way you obviously already have. No matter what I say, I know that the love you show me is so much more valuable than any compliment you can ever give. I do have a hard time forgiving you for a few things, but you have more than proved yourself.

4. I find you so easy to relate to. At first our friendship was based around how much we worry about someone and how much we want him to get better. Then it was connecting on a spiritual level. Having someone who is in my exact situation has helped my confidence in Christianity and my own faith immensely. I know we're nerdy and play video games too much, and hang out primarily in book stores, and bash Young Adult Lit books, but it means a lot to me to have such a solid friend my age with my interests.

5. You used to be such a terrible person. I don't even see you as the same as I used to. I honestly forget I knew you back then. I hate that this change happened after you lost your faith. I hope you can find that again, and I know you were genuine about it. We are so much fun, and I have no problem saying that. People love us. I know you have my back, and I have yours. I love how every time we hang out we walk in circles and talk about stuff. But we also know how to party hard!!


I'm waking up for the first time.

But words mean nothing when you can’t back them up and you’re not worth my time so go get fucked.

My journey to misanthropy has finally come to a conclusion. It's funny how when Genya tells me "I love you so much Lindsey, please don't give up on people you know that there are good people out there. And I promise you that I'll never let you down, okay?" I can hear myself saying the exact same thing to Cody hundreds upon hundreds of times. And when I think "If I don't depend on anyone, no one can let me down." I hear Cody telling me that hundreds of hundreds of times. I can tell you this much, I don't want to hate everyone. I don't want to turn into the hate filled person Cody is, and I know how miserable he is. We even talked about this on my way home from Ames at four in the morning. Haaaah. I am blessed that I have productive(ish) stable coping mechanisms. Where Cody has the internet, I have Jesus, The Bible, other books, and even Mario Kart. I just can't seem to find good people to surround myself with. Everyone lets me down. I just keep choosing the wrong people to let back into my life. I forgive always, I become friends with the person again all too often. I always choose the wrong ones though. From now on, people have two chances with me. If they blow it, they blow it. I'm not letting people screw me over all the time anymore. I got pushed to the edge when people let me down six different times yesterday. SIX. I've decided against anyone but Bryan, Cody, Dylan, Nick and Genya. No one is worth my time anymore. I just can't trust that I'm not going to end up getting hurt by other people's stupidity. I made a vow never to sleep in my Jeep again. I refuse to wake up in Lot 60 to the sounds of drunk people at 2:30 am. To not be able to sleep because I'm shivering my brains out. I'm at such a loss for words now, I think I'll just sleep the rest of this weekend. All I know is I won't be in Ames until I can find some decent friends.