Monday, October 01, 2007

Please take my life and use it, I'm ready.

I'm making the choice to come clean about some things. I'm putting this on the internet because it it benefits no one to keep it in my head. I don't want to hide things, nor do I want to keep them this way. That being said, this is not easy for me.


My struggle with faith is coming to a fork in the road. Christianity is always a struggle, but I keep to myself about it, for the most part. A few close friends and I have been talking a lot today about our struggles. Most likely provoked by talking to someone at the show in Ames on Saturday. This guy was going around asking about how we were with our faith. What? No one actually cares about where other people stand with Christ! No one actually out of the blue will offer to help. I'm so envious of the way he goes about his life. While to non-believers, it was annoying and unwanted, to at least three of us it made a huge impact. I am admitting that I have not fully given my life to God. I am holding back huge parts of my soul. Being a Christian is so hard, and I haven't put in the effort. For a couple of months I've been trying to remain a Christian, and failing at that. I know in the back of my mind, and in my heart that I haven't given Christianity the shot it deserves. I was contemplating giving up on something that I never really understood in the first place. I have encouragement now, and have been opened up to people who stand at the same place as I do. One of my closest friends, raised Christian, chose Atheism, is more vocal with his faith now than he ever was. A friend who I used to see eye to eye with, and he fell away, and then I started to slip, now is truly giving it a shot. I'm not going to let these people fail, I will lift them up and encourage them as they will do for me. I am truly choosing God this time, not just giving it a trial run. I really do regret living as a "Christian". I will until I truly have become one with God. I don't want any of this fake Christian stuff anymore. I'm not calling myself a Jesus follower until I actually follow through. I don't want to contribute to the bad name Christians already have at my age. I'm terrified to actually change the way I live my life. I'm terrified to actually do what God tells me to do. I'm terrified to go beyond the realizations of God's work, and the occasional reading of my bible. I'm scared to do more than pray to a God I don't honor every night. Because that is what I truly do.

I'm leaving myself vulnerable and open right now. I need this more than anything.