MatthewGardiner2: Ok you're a little crazy

I always try to find who I am. Or at least find some sort of reality about myself. Well, thanks to Matt and a lot of alone time this weekend I've come to some conclusions. I am completely happy. Shock, I know. Since I think so negatively and am always complaining. But at the end of the day if I sit down and think about my life, I don't really regret any of it. And it's not just being regret free, it's that I feel like I've made good choices. I end my day with my prayers and a hint of optimism. I'm at a point where I'm kind of losing my belief in everything. Nothing I knew two months ago is the same as it is now. Before I sound too atheistic, let me clarify. Everything except for my faith in Christ. The one thing that I believe more and more in every day. Thats obviously why I'm happy. Because He is the only one who matters anyway. So when I'm sad and whining about how bad my life is, it's all useless. Matt has also deducted that if my life were a picture it'd look like this: me sitting in a lawn chair watching his life go by and me getting mad at Bryan for not giving me enough attention. Hahahahaha, I can't even deny it. It's all so true. So typical of me. So wonderful, I've got to add that to the cat lady rep now. At least I have one good thing out of three to rely on. Even if Matt's life plummets back to the boring state of vegetation it used to be and I get over the attention thing and lose my cat. Not a bad way to live a life, eh?

they're building you up to tear you down.

Kayla and I watched Clarissa Explains it All. There are, however some things she just can not explain. Mainly the things we don't understand. Oh well, we still love her. We also hate Zach Braff in The Last Kiss. That movie made me hate the entire male gender. I hate cheaters. I got a new kitten from Kayla. I named it Brycie, since its a girl. It was great timing. Yesterday Matt and I were talking and he said I'm going to end up alone at age 60 with lots of The Rocket Summer memorabilia. Kind of like a cat lady, but with Bryce instead. He said his girlfriend (wife at age 60 though ahha) would come over for dinner parties and it'd be them, me and a cardboard cutout. It's very true. So adopting a cat and naming it Bryce didn't really help that cat lady motif. Matt just finds it hilarious. Good to know my best friend cares so much. :) I'm starting to turn incredibly apathetic to a lot of things. I'm cynical, whiney and I frankly don't care. But there are definitely things that will bug me so much. Especially when people are so stupid and have no regards for other people's feelings. Especially when they definitely shouldn't be so dumb. I'm also to the point where I don't really trust again. Because once again, just as things start to look up, I find out a good friend tells people things that I tell her. Stupid little things that don't really matter. Which is the weird part, because I'd understand if I told her something important, but it's really not. So why spread it? So much for friendships eh? I'm really sick of being sick. I'm going on two weeks now. And it's getting worse everyday. I wish it was spring or summer. I'm starting to look forward to fall, because once again, I'm apathetic. Thats so vague and doesn't really make any sense, but a few close people should get it. You know, school starts, people leave. People get forgotten about. MMMMMMMM my favorite. In that movie today there was a really good quote. It goes like this: "What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you love. That's what matters. That's the only thing that counts." Life story.

Oh, and happy seven months to me.

Love ya like a fat kid loves cake!

On Sunday Jon was talking about how us Christians need to share our stories. You know what I'm talking about. But he also said that it is kind of difficult to just come out and tell someone, especially when it hasn't come up in a conversation really. And I realized that I have so many great friends, but I don't know their story. And I have so many great friends, but they don't know my story. And I'll be honest, my story is awesome. So this is my invitation, over Blogger, for my friends to tell me whats up. And this is my asking, over Blogger, for my friends to let me tell them whats up. And then my little heart will be as happy as a caterpillar who has just turned into a butterfly. :)

I always do better when you're at the show

This was a great weekend! yay! except the fact that I have no voice and didn't go to school today. I actually stayed home and watched Diff'rent Strokes. Mmmmm. Whatchu talkin about Lindsey!? fhdkslfjdsk. hahfdks. It felt weird to have a really good weekend after having quite a few bad ones. I'm just so negative. Sunday's show was awesome. Solidarity is sweet. I was glad to see them again, I liked them a lot with Stick To Your Guns. But being in Kayla's garage didn't exactly do wonders for my sore throat. And stupid asian zach got my car stuck in the snow. And it was super frustrating. But Bryan and I got into this HILARIOUS argument. It went something like: bryan-"are you mad at me?" me-"no. i thought you were mad at me" "no i'm just mad at the situation" "oh well i can't ever tell if you're pissed at me or the situation" "duh i'm obviously just frustrated with the situation" "yeah well you act the same way either way and it drives me crazy" "i'm a two beat timpani, i'm happy or mad." "yeah well it drives me crazy. you need to fix it" "i'm tellin ya, i'm a two beat timpani" "you suck and confuse me"

ahhaaaah that all took place in like thirty seconds which is the funniest part. and the volume got louder and louder with both of us trying to win. I thought kayla and Danielle were going to pee their pants it was so funny.

Oh so I signed up for this lost thing
doooo it
www.lost.eu/1fc07

and I miss bre. story of my life
.
cooooool ames life.
cooooool summer life.
cooooool keep and confess life.
cooooool water fight life.
cooooool prison cuddling (hahahfdhsklfjds)
cooooool last day of school life.
cooooool sophomore life.
cooooool zach life. (haha. thats how you sum up bre and i)

Cause you're there when you talk and you're there not to stop and you're with me around the clock

I've come to realize I'm very cynical.

This year, I'm lightning up on ole Saint V.

I don't hate it! For one, I didn't have to go to the STUPID dance. I dislike school dances sometimes. Second, Matt and I went on a valentines shopping extravaganza adventure. Imagine this: my best friend, The Rocket Summer, and v-day gifts. Matt got his girlfriend a GIANT stuffed tiger, hahahahahahah. Today I fought with my parents so I was being a little piss-ant. But Bryan picked me up from school around 10 (I had three hours off in the middle of my day... suck) and luckily I was a little refreshed from my nap (AKA AP Chemistry). So that was a good like break in my day, and flowers never hurt! After school we went to Target and his brother got a Wii and then we went out to dinner with his parents.

For cereal, I didn't do too badly this year.

ALRIGHHHHHHHHHT.

We're going down with the ship!

Two years later I have found a new favorite book. The Perks Of Being A Wallflower is replaced! By none other than The Catcher In The Rye. Same basis really, but Catcher is much more timeless. I feel odd that Holden Caulfield, a character from the 1940's can be so much like I am in the 2000's. Bad grades, lying to his parents, he's pretty much the love of my life. Although I say that about Bryce Avary, Jude Law, and probably many other people, he's on the list. And I'd say he's in good company. My Creative Writing 2 teacher (ugh) said that not many people like Catcher anymore and once again, I'm the lone soldier in that class. How many times do I have to be told I have a weird perspective, seriously! The feeling I get when realizing there are other people like me, and there have been for sixty years is very similar to the feeling of listening to After The Burial while doing homework. You just don't feel so alone and you kind of want to dance. And who doesn't like happiness and dancing!? I really hope most people have read Catcher, and I'm going to read Sidharrtha (or however you spell it) next, and my CW2 teacher says thats a good one for me, but what does she know. Yes, I'm a little angry about that class, hahah.

My pain is mine. It's become my friend with time. Chia-like, it grows.

So having lunch with a friend today (who reads this), I managed to do two things. Destroy a good amount of cream cheese nervously poking it with a knife, and to hear things I didn't want to know but at the same time want to know. And it sucks, I hate a lot of things right now, and I'm nonstop listening to The Rocket Summer. But there are just some things I guess I have no control over. And no matter how much I try, how I do my hair, or how I spend my weekends it doesn't matter. Because people will act the way they want to, and I can't change that. I'm certainly not feeling 100% about things at the moment, but I'm not going to sit around and be sad. It just sucks. But I guess what happens happens, and I have to appreciate what I have.

well, thats the end of my non-specific not helpful rant.

edit:
Today I really love/need
-Ephesians
-Matt Gardiner
-sleep
-Catcher In The Rye

See you there one more time and going back

I'm still pushing the organization I feel strongest about.
If you love me read this.
If you hate me read this.
If you're male read this
If you're female read this.
If you're Christian read this.
If you're "Aethiest" read this.
If you're in high school read this.
If you're in college read this.
If you're breathing and alive read this.

And if you listen to The Rocket Summer, listen to Christmas Present. Listen to it all the way through, all eleven minutes of it. And listen to the last two minutes, there is a couple minutes of silence before it. And that is the most powerful two minutes of the album.

Tell me, do they care?

I started off this year thinking I was going to get along great with a certain teacher. She liked Bukowski, and thought I was a good writer. What else do I need right? Well, about 3/4 of the way through the first semester she caught me texting in class. One time. Oops, mistake, learned from it. Second semester rolls around and I'm suddenly on her hit list. Right before the semester ended I turned in a project I had been working on for an entire month. I had taken pictures to relate to a poem and I had put so much effort into it. She gave me a B- and told me to put effort in next time. I'm sorry if I'm not the best photographer in the world, or if I see things differently than other people. Strike one. I went in to turn in my first semester final, and got more than I bargained for. With Bryan and another student standing in the room, she told me that my workshopping comments are horrible and that I'm horrible at feedback...oh and that she liked my bangs. So instead of telling me in private where I STILL would have felt like a real idiot, she decided to embarass me in front of other people. Strike two. She accused me of texting in class when I was writing in my planner, and proceeded to make me stand up in front of the class to make sure my phone didn't fall out of my lap or anything. It didn't. Strike three. I turned in an assignment for class that I had written about things at Valley. I got 20 copies back today telling me revision ideas and such. I got a lot of "try not to make it sound so whiney" and things like that. Fine, point taken. But from my teacher I got "Who cares what the football player in period thre thinks or the person who asks a lot of questions thinks about your essay?" which was sarcasm about how I wrote this horribly, which was followed by "or the teacher who has no doubt bored you to tears and scolded you for texting, which is all you really like to do anyway?" Instead of just insulting my writing viciously, she insults me. Texting is not my life, and I'm pretty sure I'd pay more attention in her class if she didn't constantly pick on me for texting WHICH I DON'T DO. Strike four. Then, another student told me that she went in to talk to her and my teacher had mentioned my essay. She told her it was written poorly and stupid. Since when were teachers allowed to tell other students the quality of my work? Since when were they allowed to insult it and try to ridicule me in front of a class over and over again? Strike five.

I'm pretty pissed, and I'm starting to really hate writing, the one thing I like. Am I being ridiculous or is there something wrong with the way I'm being treated?

The plans we make will open graves with love.

Well, I can happily say I had one good day this weekend. It started out all cranky, but now I feel great. I think I just needed to get my anger out little bit by little bit throughout the day. Thats how it goes I guess. MMM I just realized I have to go to Valley five times this week. See ya good mood. hahaha

Pack your bags, here it comes

I haven't had a weekend this bad in a really long time. It has just been one of those weekends where you start to look into colleges across the pond, aka England. But of course, I had to be a failure for the past three years and I'm doubting I'll get any college admission, let alone a foreign country. I like the idea of this college: Canterbury Christ Church University in Chatham. It's by London, and my beloved Surrey. That'd be a nice place to spend four years.

Love is so direct, you're exactly what I've waited for.

It's odd how one thing can be so different depending on the context. Confusing sentence, bear with me. Yesterday a kid in my AP Chem class bet that this girl could beat me up. She's not that big, I told him I could take her. They laughed. We decided to fight, and it was pretty funny. It was both of us not knowing how to fight at all and our teacher laughing at us. She picked me up and set me on the ground. I lost. Everyone laughed at me. I was obviously no threat at all. Hilarious. Kat and I went to Southwoods sixth period. The school I was at two years ago was completely locked down. Suddenly we were a big threat. We managed to get inside the even more prisonlike school, and headed to the office for a visitors pass. We were told we weren't allowed in the school at all and that we could come back after school was out. Students there, two years ago, and one year ago. And we were a threat? They have a big LCD monitor showing what doors are locked. Wow. And a camera pointed directly at the entrance to the school. What the heck. Stupidest thing ever. So in four hours I had gone from an easy target to a threat. Odd. It's the same thing as lonliness. Opting to be home alone instead of going to a social gathering where you know you'll be alone. I'd rather be home by myself and truly alone than with a bunch of people and still alone. (cue Jack's Mannequin) haha. I just thought yesterday was a big oxymoron for me. Maybe today will be better?